10 simple ways to lend a hand to stranded moms

"auntie" katie - my sanity while ryan was away.

Recently my husband was away on a work trip for nearly four weeks. It was not easy. During that time there were several things I was wishing for… and while it’s still fresh in my mind I wanted to share with you ten ways to help a mom who's going at it alone.

1.  Invite her over for dinner. Cooking dinner for one adult after a long day of taking care of kids can seem pointless. Spare your friend from having one too many grilled cheese sandwiches and bowls of cereal for dinner and invite her over for a meal. Do it early enough in the evening to not interfere with kids’ bedtimes.

2.  Even better, bring dinner over to her house. Either drop it off, or stay for a quick bite. Either way your friend will thank you.

3.  Mow her lawn. The last thing a busy mom can find time to do is mow the lawn. And besides, when will she be able to do it without little kids underfoot? At naptime? Nope! Not unless she wants a grumpy toddler on her hands after he wakes up prematurely from all the noise. Don’t offer, just show up and do it (unless you aren’t sure when naptimes are then, for heaven’s sake, definitely ask!).

4.  Take her kids for an afternoon play date. Don’t invite mom along, just give her some time to herself. Whether she has some errands to do or just wants to do nothing, the gift of a few hours sans kids will be a welcome blessing.

5.  Call her if you’re headed to the store to see if she needs anything picked up. Often mid-week she'll have one or two things needed from the store (milk!) that hubs would normally be able to quickly pick up on his way home from work. But with him away, a quick 10-minute errand can take a good 45-minutes out of mom’s day. Spare her!

6.  Wash her car. Though not a necessity, having a clean car can help bring peace of mind, and yet it often makes its way to the bottom of the priority list. Grab your own kiddos (or hers) and wash her car for her. Either that or ask to swap cars for an hour and take hers somewhere to have it cleaned.

7.  Offer to babysit one evening, or arrange a trusted sitter for her. See if she’d like to have a night to go out with the girls while hubs is away without having to scramble to find a sitter.

8.  Bring over some snacks and a chick flick for a girls night in. After days and days of being the on-duty parent 24/7 she may not have the energy to go out, but would love a little company and wind-down time in the comfort of her own home.

9.  Call once or twice a week just to see how things are going and if there’s anything you can do. Chances are things are going okay and your friend may say there’s nothing she needs help with, but just giving her that opportunity speaks volumes about how much you care.

10.  Help her clean her house before hubs gets home. Offer to come over the day before he arrives and lend a hand wherever she needs it.

And a BONUS tip:

If her husband is away over a holiday, then go out of your way to make it special for her. Christmas, Easter, Valentines Day, etc… but especially if it’s over her birthday or Mothers Day when she is meant to be queen for the day! Help ease the blow of missing her hubs by going the extra mile and sending her out with a gift card for a coffee and a new book or magazine to relax with while you stay home with her kids and clean her house! And then let her come home and play with her kids while you stay a bit longer and make them all a nice dinner (or order them take-out).

In saying all of this, your friend may be supermom and not need any help at all… but I doubt it. (Especially if she's used to having a partner around.) If that is the case she will be glad for your initiative and your availability even if she doesn’t take you up on any of your offers.

The most important rule of thumb is: INITIATE. Don’t wait for her to ask… ask her first! Make her feel valued and cared for and supported while she’s going at it alone.

Dear friends, have you had your partner away for any period of time more than a couple of days? What is something that would have been a blessing to you while you were solo parenting?

glad that my solo days are over for now,

Current giveaways: Two Peekabooby nursing covers and one copy of The Pregnancy Companion (book).

Pregnant Blogger? Join in with the Bloggin' Babes & Babies of 2011 (a link-up for expecting mamas).

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission

10 tips for hosting an awesome easter egg hunt (without blowing the budget)

Celebrating holidays is one of those things in life that makes my little heart sing. I LOVE holidays. And I love them even more now that I'm married with a growing family of my own. Ryan and I have had so much fun creating our own family traditions... but our Easter traditions are still in their infancy.

Our first Easter together was the week before our wedding. Our second was while we were doing a short training course in Spain. Our third was spent on different continents while I took newborn Levi to America to meet my family. And now we have our fourth...

This year we decided to host an Easter egg hunt and morning tea for several of our friends and their children. We did it the week before Easter (on a Saturday so as not to conflict with church) since several of the families we wanted to invite were headed out of town for the holiday weekend (and so was my husband - boo-hoo).

It was a beautiful morning... Kids running and giggling, parents lounging and chatting, everyone happy and having fun. And we pulled it off on a fairly tight budget. Here's how:


1. Send the parents instructions for the older kids ahead of time. Ask them to prep the the kids so that they won't burst from their cars to scoop up all the obvious eggs (set out for the littlies) before they're supposed to.

2. Ask the kids (parents) to bring their own Easter baskets, but have a couple of spares on hand just in case anyone forgets.

3. Get your group photo of all the children together before the hunt begins. This way the older ones won't be too hyped up on sugar to sit still and the younger ones won't be pining for nap-time. (I learned this one the hard way.) If you're lucky like me you'll get two of the twelve kids actually looking at the camera... only one of which is looking and smiling. Bonus tip: Include nose-picking toddlers (can you spot him?) and sleepy newborns for added interest. Bonus tip #2: Get your husband to put Easter grass on his head and do a little jig... it will at least get you a few genuine smiles from those not ready for nap time (ie: my son).

the "after" group shot. next year i will definitely be getting the "before" shot!

4. Go over the instructions again with the kids once you're ready to start. Keep it short and encourage the big kids to help the littlies.

5. Release the kids in "heats" according to age. Let the littlest kids go first to find all the obvious eggs and then release the bigger kids 10-15 minutes later to storm the yard and collect their bounty. Alternately, if your property is big enough, send the big kids to the front yard and the little ones to the back yard.

6. In addition to a few "real" eggs, use plastic eggs with candy and prizes inside of them. When the hunt is over, the kids can open their eggs, keep all their treasures, and then return the plastic eggs for next year's hunt. (Give them the heads-up during instruction time so they won't be too disappointed to hand back the shells.)

my favorite little hunter. (i'm a tad biased.)

7. Have a spread of yummy treats and make sure there are a few healthy choices to balance out the chocolate overload. We did a potluck-style morning tea, with all of the parents bringing a little something to share.

8. Set out an Easter basket with some candy for the parents just in case the kids don't want to share... and to keep the oversized kids (husbands) from hunting the eggs themselves. (Although I admit, by the end of the morning it was mostly chubby little hands digging into the parents' basket to supplement their own baskets. Clever kids.)

9. Make sure to get lots of photos. Try to get mid-hunt-action shots, showing-off-the-basket shots, detail shots, smiley posed shots, parent shots, chocolate-faced shots, and sweet-girls-in-pretty-dresses shots.

10. Remember the reasons why you celebrate in the first place. Every family is different, but for ours, we celebrate because of our faith. We love the party, we love the chocolate, we love the bunnies, we love the tasty treats... but more importantly, we love what God has done for us. And that is our real reason for celebrating. You may or may not share our faith, but no doubt you celebrate because holidays are a great reason to gather the family together. Whatever your reasons are, remember them and prioritize them!

Dear friends, will you be hosting an Easter egg hunt this year? Or have you hosted one in the past? Please add your tips and tricks to my list or tell me about your own plans.

glad to have so many reasons to celebrate,

Are you an expecting mom? Have you linked-up yet?
Join the Bloggin' Babes and Babies of 2011.

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission

10 easy-peasy design tips for beautifying your blog

How would you like your blog to be submitted to an episode of What Not to Wear?? Read on for some simple tips to ensure your blog stays current and beautiful!

1. Keep your header eye-catching, focused, and reasonably sized. 

Make sure that your design your header in a way that represents what your blog is about, is pleasing to the eye, and is large enough to draw people in, but not so large that it takes up two-thirds of the screen (or the entire screen!) when someone clicks to your sight. At a glance (and without scrolling) they should be able to see your entire header plus the beginning of your first post and anything you deem important from your sidebar. The exception to this might be photography blogs... but in saying that, keep in mind that it's nice for visitors to get a first glimpse of something fresh each time they come. Even if you have a fairly basic layout, a lovely header can go a long way. (If you're stuck visit some of the blogs that you think are most visually appealing and jot down the things that you see and like. Once you do this with several of your favorite blogs, you'll see a pattern emerge as to what you do and don't like. Then, take those ideas and incorporate them into your own. DON'T copy, but DO use the ideas as inspiration!)

2. Create a tag line and use it wisely. 

Once you come up with your tag line (a short description of your site's mission or content or a catch phrase that you'd like to be known by) display it prominently within your header, while still making sure that it doesn't overpower your blog title. This makes it easy for first time readers to know what they can expect to find on your blog. As you're writing it consider the type of audience you're hoping to draw in and the tone you want to set. For example: use humor, a play on words, an instruction, a description, a cliche (but only if it's a clever fit!), or part of a well-known quote. A Sorta Fairytale has a nice, simple tag line: "faith, family, photography" and leaves no doubt in your mind what you'll find on Mandy's blog.

3. Remember that less really is more. 

Although it's tempting to add every cute button and badge and graphic and widget that you come across, the more you load on your blog, the more distracting it becomes. (Not to mention the harder it can be for it to load in your readers' browsers.) Determine what it important to you and cull the rest. (I find I have to do this constantly - every few months or so - or else my side bars grow and grow and soon become extremely cluttered.)

4. Black on white, not white on black. 

Like it or not, light font colors on dark backgrounds are hard to read. You might adore your deep purple background with yellow font, but most of your readers won't. Unless you want to deter people from staying long, stick with the basics - black font on a white or light background - and then use your favorite colors for accents elsewhere. Go ahead and use patterns or photos in your background if you want to, just make sure that you use a solid color behind your posts and important sidebar content. Amy Sullivan's blog is a very cool example of how to use a photograph that blends into a solid background for her site content. This kind of design may be a little advanced for most of us DIYers, but it's a beautiful example nonetheless.

5. Use standard fonts and sizes. 

Your header is where to "wow" people with your awesome artistic skills... so don't try to do your "wow-ing" by getting all fancy with the font in your posts. Choose a basic font that all browsers (and eyes!) will be able to read for your main text (such as Arial, Veranda, Helvetica, Times, Tehoma, Trebuchet, etc.) and then a complimenting one for your post titles. (You can get a little bit more creative with the post titles, but don't go overboard. Make sure it's still very readable.) Try to never use more than two or three different fonts on your blog. More than three varying fonts will start to make things distracting and harder to read. Use one for your posts, one for your post titles, and one for your (sub)headers. If you choose to use the same font for both post and post title (for example) than make sure that the sizes vary and change the post title to another color so that it will stand out. (Also, stay consistent from post to post. Don't constantly change things up with regards to font choices unless you're going for an extremely disheveled look!)

6. Use color. 

In order to mix things up and keep the eyes moving around your page, try choosing 1-3 accent colors that work well together and use them for post titles, sub-header titles, and dividing lines. Make sure they are complimenting one another but not overpowering your page. For example, choose one main accent color and then a secondary accent color (and possibly a third) that is used more sparingly. (Obviously these need to tie in with your blog header as well.) If you're not going for a ultra simple look and would prefer to use lots of color, you can pull it off without looking like Rainbow Brite has decorated your place. A fantastic example of using lots of color well is Kludgy Mom. She has five colors in her header, and yet only three main ones pulled out for accent - blue for the background, orange for the post titles and sub-headers, and green splashed in here and there to tie it all together.

7. Sit still and keep quiet. 

When someone visits your blog only to find glittery dancing graphics and/or automatically playing music, they will often find it annoying and/or distracting from the reason they are there - to read your stories or tips and check out your photos. If you want to put music on your blog, then do it... just let your readers decide if they want to hit "play" or not - don't put it on auto-play. This is very 5+ years ago and became outdated when Myspace gave way to Facebook. (You can disagree with me if you want, but I'm sticking to my guns on this one!) There is nothing worse than rocking out to your favorite itunes playlist as you blog-hop only to be bombarded with someone else's music on top of your own! (And remember, not all of your readers will be sitting in their jammies on the couch. You may have product reps, publishers, PR professionals, etc. checking out your blog.)

8. Use photos and place them well. 

A really good piece of writing with a really good photo becomes a really, really good post! Use the photo to draw people into your writing, or use photos to break up your writing if it's getting long or in order keep your post readable. I love it when blogs use their own photos - it provides another to glimpse into people's lives and I really enjoy that added dimension, even when they are not "professional" quality. Don't worry if you feel like your photos aren't as good as you'd like; the most important thing is that the photo adds to the post visually and thematically. If you're still getting the hang of using your camera or if you feel that personal photos reveal too much information about you or your family, then try using stock photos (just make sure that you're considering copyright issues when selecting them).  If you don't have a photo, use some sort of an image with color in it like a logo or even just your own blog button. Anything is better than nothing. (Well, almost anything!) For an example of stock photos used gloriously, check out Confessions of a Dr. Mom:

9. Personalize with a photo of yourself. 

People love to have a face with the name, so if you're comfortable with sharing your identity, then include a photo of yourself somewhere near the top of your side bar. Include with it a short bio or make it a link to another page or post with more about you. If you write anonymously, then consider using a cartoon avatar or something similar to represent you, or get creative and use a photo that shows a part of you without revealing your entire face/identity.

10. Put some effort into your footer. 

You'd be surprised how many people actually look at the top of your blog, skim around some content, and then scroll down to the footer. Don't overload it but do consider including your copyright information, related websites/blogs/links, a place to contact you or offer suggestions, or anything else you find appropriate (disclaimers, etc.). Melissa's new site Momcomm has a great example of a really stunning footer that includes a lot without going overboard. In fact, her's is similar to mine, but much, much better!

Dear friends, I wanted to cap this post at 10 suggestions... but surely you have more to input! What are things that you think help to beautify a blog and/or what are things that you think make a blog a candidate for What Not to Wear? Did you learn anything new in my easy-peasy tips? Any beautiful-looking blogs you can point us to for inspiration??

still learning ways to keep making my blog more beautiful,

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Are you pregnant? Link up with the Bloggin' Babes and Babies of 2011.

Share your creativity and Easter inspiration by submitting your Easter card to our Easter card linky (closing April 21).

Bloggy bits is a series of very simple tips geared toward newbie bloggers to help you get started. Although I am by no means a techie or a design expert, I often find myself getting emails from beginner bloggers asking for help and advice, and I'm happy to help where I can. (My own blog is still very much a work in progress and I always have long lists of things that I'm hoping to do to improve it.) I thought this series would be a good way to spread the bloggy love and pass on what I know. I hope you will find these simple tips useful in making your blog design just a little more fabulous. 

Future posts in this series:

10 Things your blog can't live without

How to get more interaction from the bloggers you love

Deleting the "Blogger" header for a cleaner look

Finding your writing voice

Branding your blog: What they heck does that mean anyway?

How to get more comments

10 Ways to write your heart out

How to make your post more reader-friendly

Why guest posting is important

*This series will continue throughout the year and will be intermixed among my regular parenting-focused posts. If you have a suggestion for a Bloggy Bits post that you'd like to see included in this series, I'd love to hear it! Please leave it in the comments and I'll see what I can do. If it's not something I feel I can post on with authority, I will consider inviting a guest blogger to share on the subject.

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission

are you pregnant? link up your bump!

I have lost track of how many of my blogging friends are pregnant - there are just so dang many!

To celebrate all of the beautiful babies of 2011 (and their mamas!), I thought we could do a link-up! All you need to do is link-up your blog below and then visit whoever you'd like. (Everyone loves to have buddies to journey through pregnancy with, right?!) Just link-up your blog's url, don't worry about linking to a specific post (unless you'd like to). That way your visitors will get whatever is fresh!

I've left lots of space in the linky for you to enter your title... so when you do so, enter your name, blog title, AND your due date so you have the option to visit people who are going through pregnancy at a similar stage as you.

Feel free to let your other expecting bloggy friends know about this link-up too - I will leave it up until the end of the year. Let's see how much of the pregnant sector of the blogosphere we can round-up!!

Also, while we're on the subject of pregnancy and babies... here are a few of my best pregnancy and birth posts from the archives in case you are new here, or in case you'd just like a refresher:

• A practical and helpful post: A girlfriend's tips and tricks for mamas-to-be
• A mushy and sentimental post: Birth is holy, treat it as such 
• A snarky and sarcastic post: Dear Natural Birth Club
• An all-in-one post: 100 things you've just got to know {about pregnancy, birth, and becoming a mom}

Alright my beautiful mama-to-be friends, happy linking! Here's to healthy, happy pregnancies... and lots and lots of amazing, adorable babies in 2011!! 

glowing with you,

p.s. Feel free to right-click and copy the image url from above if you'd like to use the image in a post. I'm not going to make a button at the moment! :) And if decide to write a post, please make sure to leave the link in a comment and let me know so that I don't miss it!!

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission

Please leave your name, blog title, and due date:

example: Adriel @ the mommyhood memos (due Oct 7)

after the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up

The storm—I mean tantrum—has ceased. The calm has returned. Now... what to do?

Here are some key do's and don'ts in following-up a toddler meltdown:

1.     DO give affirmation for a change of behavior and reinforce your expectations. Example: “Thank you for settling down Levi. I can hear you much better now that you are calm.”

2.     DO give your child validation. Help him identify/name his emotions, but make it clear that it’s not an excuse for poor behavior: “I know you were frustrated because the puzzle is hard, but it’s not okay to throw the pieces. How about mommy helps you next time?” Or “I know you felt angry, but hitting is not okay. It hurts mommy when you hit me.” (Sometimes this is also possible to do during a mild or medium tantrum if they haven’t reached full meltdown yet.)

3.     DON’T hesitate to ask for forgiveness. If you lost your cool and reacted inappropriately, tell your child what you did wrong and ask her for forgiveness. Even if she doesn’t fully understand what you are doing, she will eventually. (This process is just as important for you as it is for your child.) Example: “Mommy should not have yelled at you. That was unkind. I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me?” Then make yourself accountable and share what happened with another adult – tell your husband/partner or mom or friend what you did and ask for their help as you commit to responding better next time. (If reacting inappropriately is a recurring problem, then you should seek the advice of a professional.)

4.     DON’T take it personally. Your young child’s misbehaving should not be taken personally. He doesn't love you any less and, although it sometimes feels like it, he doesn't actually mean to make you feel disrespected when he throws fits.

5.     DON’T hold it against your child. Remember that she is constantly learning new skills and new ways to cope with her changing body, emotions, and surroundings. She is not “bad” or “unruly” or “difficult", she just need lots of practice.

6.     DON’T feel like you’ve failed when it happens again. Even if you do everything “right” in responding to your child’s tantrum, it doesn’t mean it will be his last one. Don’t be discouraged when you have to face the same scenario a second time. And a third. And a twelfth.

7.     DON’T compare your child to other children. Sure, the child down the street always seems to behave perfectly, but don’t underestimate her potential when behind closed doors! Kids are kids and they all need to learn how to manage their emotions and their growing sense of independence. (Keep in mind also that different temperaments can also contribute to more or less tantrums. Again, not a bad thing but something to keep in mind when you need more patience with your own child!)

8.     DON’T get sucked into feelings of false guilt. It’s tempting to think things like, “If I were a better mom my child would be better behaved.” But the reality is that even the best of parents have children that sometimes misbehave. Learning good behavior is a process, it is not inborn within our sweet little cherubs!

9.     DO take heart that your consistency will eventually pay off. When you are in the heat of the moment (and perhaps have had a long or tiring day yourself) it can be easy to think that you’ll never be able to cope with another tantrum. (I've been there!) But you will. And not only will you be able to cope, you will get to the place where your child eventually learns to both manage his emotions and hold himself together behaviorally.

This post is part of a four part series:

1.  The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

2.  Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits

3.  In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums

4.  The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

Dear friends, I hope this series on tackling toddler tantrums been helpful. Have you learned anything new or is there anything you'd like to add to the overall subject? Or how about specifically in regards to the follow-up process?

growing into motherhood one day at a time,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011 
do not reproduce without written permission

in the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums

We try to avoid. We try to avert. We try to redirect. But sometimes… the storm just hits anyway. Toddler tantrums can be a doozy. Here are seven ways of surviving a meltdown:

1.     Distract. The art of distraction is the secret weapon that all parents quickly learn is worth honing and perfecting! If your child is right on the verge of a tantrum but hasn’t quite crossed over yet (or maybe even in the beginning stages of one) a swift swoop to pick her up and give her a change of scenery is invaluable. Head to the window, turn on some music, pretend to be looking for something under the couch, or open the fridge and ask for help finding the apples. Use your imagination and send her tantrum back where it came from.

2.     Ignore. Many tantrums escalate when you “entertain” them and diffuse when you ignore them. If your child is getting physical (throwing his head back, arching his back, hitting, kicking, or pushing away from you) then put him down on the floor in a safe place and either walk away or simply turn your back until he settles down. Levi went through several weeks of this and I would leave the room saying, “I’ll be in the kitchen (or living room, etc.). Come join me when you settle down.” No exaggeration, he would come chattering away down the hall as happy as a clam one or two minutes later with no recollection of what his fit was about. Since that period, he’s rarely had the same type/severity of tantrums again. (I realize there is no guarantee that they won't recur with that same type of fury, but I do believe it shows he's learning!)

3.     Restrain. I’m told that if you find that putting your child on the floor to carry on while you walk away doesn’t work, then you can try restraining her. Gently but firmly place your arms around her or your hands on her shoulders. Quietly and calmly speak reassuring words into her ears until she settles down. (I’ve not used this method myself, but again, you have to find what works best for your child.)

4.     Refrain. You are the adult… so be mature and refrain from “tantruming” back. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to whine back at Levi or to match his fit with one of my own… but we need to remember who the adult is and act like it! Stay calm, keep your volume level, maintain a kind, respectful and firm tone, and always remain in control of your emotions. Never react with violence or anger and remember that you’re modeling to your child the way you’d like him to eventually respond to difficulty or conflict.

5.     Reason. If a child is already in full tantrum mode, remember that she has lost the ability to listen to reason. This is normal. Don’t become frustrated that she won’t listen to an instruction that she would normally respond well to. Leave your reasoning to before and after tantrums, not during. (This can help minimize your own frustration as well!)

6.     Remove. If a child reaches a full meltdown in public, resist the urge to coax them to behave (by giving a toy/treat/etc), and instead remove him to a more private/appropriate place (such as your car or a mothers room) and deal with the tantrum immediately. Your groceries can wait. This is the most loving thing you can do for your child as well as the most considerate thing you can do for other customers. Although it is not a “quick fix” (like giving in to his demand or shoving a cookie into his mouth), no doubt it will serve you much better in the long run.

7.     Breathe. It’s so important to know your own limits so that you don’t end up doing something you’ll regret later. When you get really frustrated, take a deep breath, make sure your child is in a safe, age-appropriate place (such as her crib/playpen or her room if it's completely child-proofed), and then go sit on your front steps for a few minutes, take a walk around the yard or to your mailbox, have a brief shower, get a drink of water, or call someone for a quick word of reassurance or encouragement. Breathe deeply, concentrate on getting your heart rate down, and then go back and attend to your child as needed. (Although it's normal to experience this from time-to-time, if this is a reoccurring problem then you should definitely consider seeking professional help.)

This post is part of a four part series:

1.  The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

2.  Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits

3.  In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums

4.  The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

Dear friends, I hope these tips have been helpful. I’m certainly still in the thick of tantrum territory and, no doubt, still have much to learn. Do you have anything to add to the coping methods above?? I’d love to hear your experience and suggestions!

perfecting my own art of distraction,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011 
do not reproduce without written permission

preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits

Tantrums and toddlerhood go together like sunscreen and sand... creating one frustrating, sticky mess. And although they are a normal part of your child’s development as he learns independence, it doesn’t mean they are easy to deal with. Tantrums can cause even a grown woman to overheat, blow steam from her nostrils, or be reduced to tears.

Navigating through the storm of toddler tantrums is certainly not one of the glamorous aspects of motherhood, but it is a necessary one.

As challenging as it is, I’m learning that tantrums don’t have to rule the roost. Here are some ways to avert toddler tantrums before they form into full scale disasters:

1.     Know and respect your child’s threshold, personality, and temperament. Some children are able to cope with more stimulation and activity than others. For example, if you have a very shy child and have already been to a playgroup in the morning, it’s probably best not to also attempt swimming lessons in the afternoon. If your toddler is easily over-stimulated, limit your errands to a few hours and then wind down with a quieter activity like a walk around the neighborhood. Keeping your child's personality and temperament in mind is not only a way to give them the respect they deserve, but it also aides in avoiding unnecessary melt-downs.

2.     Give warning of what’s ahead. Most adults don’t appreciate being interrupted, so why does it surprise us when our kids react poorly to our demands, especially when they are immersed in something they are enjoying? When possible, give a simple warning of what’s ahead. Example: “It’s almost nap time. Two more minutes and then we will pick up the toys and go read a story.” (Obviously this becomes more and more effective the older a toddler is.)

3.     Be preemptive. If you know that your toddler will want to grab at things in the grocery store, give her a snack or a special toy before her behavior goes awry, not in the midst of your battle. Also, when you can, time your outings to not interfere with meal times and naptimes. (Even adults have much less threshold for frustrations when we are tired or hungry!)

4.     Give your child choices, but not so many that it overwhelms them. Giving your child a choice helps foster his sense of independence, while allowing you to still maintain boundaries around his options. Example: “We have to get some groceries and go to the post office. Would you like to go to the grocery store first or the post office?”

5.     Use independence to your advantage. Example: “Your diaper needs to be changed now. Let’s go to your room. Would you like to walk there yourself like a big girl or shall I pick you up and carry you?”

6.     Make sure your child knows the ground rules. This one goes for older toddlers a little bit more than younger ones, but even very young toddlers understand much more than we often think they do. As they’re able to understand, communicate your expectations with them as you go out or go someplace new. Example: “We’re going to the toy store to get special present for Jack’s birthday, but we aren’t getting any new toys for you today. Would you like to help pick out Jack's present?” Or “We’re going to the library today. Do you remember what voice we use in the library? We use our best quiet voice! When you use your best quiet voice mommy will let you pick out some new stories to read.”

7.     Affirm good behavior on a regular basis. Instead of saying “good boy” or “good girl” when your child is well-behaved or obedient (which inadvertently makes them believe that being “good” is only a behavioral issue and is based on your approval), say things like: "good sharing" or “good listening” or “you made a good choice” or “thank you for being obedient/following instructions/etc”. (Side note: although I understand what people are intending, I hate being asked the question, “Is he a good baby/boy?” as I believe all children are “good”. It’s my belief that we need to separate the behavior from the intrinsic value of the individual and change our language accordingly!)

This post is part of a four part series:

1.  The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

2.  Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits

3.  In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums 

4.  The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

Dear friends, have any of these aversion techniques worked for you? Do you have any that I’ve not yet tried or considered? Please share your experiences! Next we will talk about coping with tantrums when they come and then how to follow them up when they pass...

storm dodging as best i can,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
 do not reproduce without written permission