going at it alone

Since becoming a mom, I have never had more respect or admiration for single moms and military wives. How these women manage to parent their children, run their households, earn a reasonable income (especially in the case of single moms), and maintain their sanity and well-being without the support of a loving husband is beyond me.

I'm completely baffled.

Obviously, the grace is there. Obviously there is a strength in women that lurks below the sometimes seemingly vulnerable surface. And obviously we are capable of far more than we often give ourselves credit for.

That being said--as much as I admire and respect these women who are going at it alone (all or most of the time)--I never want to join their ranks.

Being a mom on your own is hard. H.A.R.D.

despite missing ryan, levi and i had a
lovely easter together with friends

I've just passed the half-way mark of Ryan being away for nearly a month. I was glad to see him board a plane to Papua New Guinea where he would join teams of volunteer medical and aid workers on our organization's Medical Ship. Knowing that he's helping bring services and education to those who need it most is wonderful and satisfying. I whole-heartedly believe that it's a privilege to be able to serve others in this way, and if it weren't for the malaria risks associated with pregnancy (potential miscarriage or stillbirth to unborn babies), Levi and I would be right there along with him.

So yes, we are glad--and proud--to have Ryan away representing our family like this.

But I'd be joking if I said that having my husband sail up rivers into remote areas and villages of PNG is all fun and games. It's not.

Not for him... or for me.

To serve is always a sacrifice which must be weighed. It looks different for those who are going as well as those who are left behind. And for us, the sacrifices associated with this outreach are worth it.

photo source: ywam medical ship

But the fact remains that it's hard going at it alone.

Levi and I are doing fine. Of course we miss Ryan terribly--our incredibly kind-hearted husband and hands-on dad--but we will see him soon enough.

In the meantime, I'm seeing how tough I am and how resourceful I can be. I'm having a small taste of a new kind of perseverance and learning a tiny bit about life for the women who are my heros:

Single moms and military wives.

Seriously, these women should all be given medals.

Being a mom is an incredible joy and honor that I would wish for anyone who desires to be one. But it's also a tough gig in the best of times. And it's even tougher when your support system is stripped back to the minimum.

Recently a friend of mine asked me why I thought it was such a big deal to have my husband gone for a month. "What's so hard about it?" she earnestly asked me.

I almost fell off my chair. (Especially considering she is a mom herself.)

I guess we each have different standards and measuring sticks to determine what is difficult and what is not... and I'm ok with that. No need to get into comparisons. But let's just say I have a million answers to that question. In fact, I'd be tempted to ask the question in return: "What's not hard about having my husband away for so long?!"

But I knew she meant well and was just trying to lend a listening ear.

Like I said, Levi and I (and bubs) are doing well. (I can certainly feel the grace factor!) But that doesn't mean we aren't counting down the days until our family is reunited.

In the meantime, single moms and military wives - I salute you! You are amazing and your children should be so proud of you. (Same goes for single dads and military husbands.)

Dear friends, have you ever had a time where you've been a mom going at it alone? Maybe for a long time or maybe just for a "short" time like me? What did you find the hardest and how did you cope?

glad to usually not be alone,


P.S. Do you have any friends who are single moms or military wives? When is the last time you offered some form of support to them or told them how much you admire all they do for their families?

Are you an expecting mom? Have you linked-up yet?

Join the Bloggin' Babes and Babies of 2011.

{"Easter" with Casey}

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission

enough is enough

How do you make room in your life for baby number two?

As much as I feel my heart is big enough for another child, I sometimes feel as if my head is not. (Not to mention my energy supply.)

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about our new baby and how carrying her* is so much different to carrying our first.

{24 weeks pregnant with baby #1}

When I was pregnant with Levi, so much of my little internal world revolved around thoughts of him, thoughts of impending motherhood, thoughts of how our world was turning upside-down.

And yet with the new baby it is so different. So much of my headspace is already taken up with thoughts of how to care for Levi: How can I get him to eat his veggies? Is it possible to make him sleep in a little longer in the mornings? (9:00am would be good *wink*.) When should I start potty training him or moving him from a crib to a bed? How do I discipline well and how do I keep my cool when he’s having a tantrum? How will I take care of him while meeting the demands of a newborn?

So many thoughts and questions… and so often pointing back to him.

And then I feel guilty. Guilty that I think of him far more than I think of my new baby. Or, more accurately, that I don't think of my new baby the same way I thought of Levi throughout my first pregnancy.

I feel like perhaps I should be more aware of my pregnancy… more in tune with my growing baby… more something.

And yet I know that baby is tucked up in my womb receiving everything from me that he* needs, and at the same time God is forming and fashioning him to be the person who he is and will be. It’s all happening just right, just perfectly, despite where my headspace is during the whole process.

I know there will come a time when she* is my arms and I will struggle with guilt in the same way related to Levi. I will be breastfeeding her around the clock, changing her diapers a thousand times more than Levi’s, ooo-ing over her little infant milestones like her first smile, holding her head up, and rolling over… while Levi, no doubt, will be vying for some of his old attention back.

It will be a tension to work out then, but it is not one to worry about now.

And I guess parenting is like that. Being a mom is like that.

There will always be a tension between all that I desire to do and the reality of what I actually can do.

I will never think of my babies enough, pray for them enough, nurture them enough, train and teach and coach them enough, listen to them enough, spend time with them enough.

But this I know – I will always love them enough. My love will be as deep and as wide as is humanly possible from a dedicated—yet imperfect—parent. And where I fall short there will be others there to fill in the gaps: their daddy, extended family, dear friends, even God himself.

And that is what gives me comfort when I have those “I will never be enough” thoughts.

Because the amount of my headspace taken up by thoughts of my new baby is no indication of how I feel about him*. As simplistic as it sounds, it really is just a casualty of a very busy, very emotionally and physically draining, and very intense (yet still precious and fun!) season of life that I'm already in as a new(ish) mom of a toddler.

My new baby is loved, incredibly loved, and that—combined with my commitment to parent to the best of my ability—is enough.

Dear friends, do you ever feel like your ‘enough’ isn’t enough? If so, what do you do to tame the negative, guilt-ridden thoughts running through your mind?

loving my babies, parenting as best i can, and believing it's enough,

*Since I don't yet know the gender of baby #2 (and since I don't like to call him/her "it") I have alternated between masculine and feminine pronouns by paragraph. Hopefully it's not too confusing.

Are you an expecting mom? Have you linked-up yet?

Join the Bloggin' Babes and Babies of 2011.

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission

i'm a bona-fide mom now... with a membership card to prove it

Today I felt like such a mom. Not just because I have given birth and am carrying my second child... but because I did a thing that (in my mind) only moms do:

I bought a year's membership to our local aquarium.

The membership was a whopping five dollars more than the day pass, so I decided to "splurge" and lay down the $29.50 for endless trips to the Great Barrier Reef Aquarium for boy wonder and I.

How I didn't know about this steal-of-a-deal before, I have no idea.

But for the next year I know where I will be on scorching hot days (in search of air conditioning) and on rainy days (in search of sanity with my stir-crazy toddler):

I'll be checking out the sharkies and fishies, turtles and crabs with my favorite little dude.

Levi loved it. I loved it. My visiting friend from North America loved it.

And it gets even better.

This weekend they are opening up a whole new children's wing with a ton of interactive stuff and several "touch and feel" pools. A munchkin paradise.

No doubt this kid will be in awe.

Can't wait for our next visit.

Dear friends, what have you done lately that's made you well and truly feel like MOM?

happy to join the ranks of card-carrying moms everywhere,

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Are you pregnant? Link up with the Bloggin' Babes and Babies of 2011.

Share your creativity and Easter inspiration by submitting your Easter card to our Easter card linky (closing April 21).

I know I'm not in jammies... but it's not all that often than I'm in photos with Levi so I wanted to jump at the chance to join in and support Casey's "Momma in Focus" meme.... cuz I just really like Casey and think she has a great thing going. So, here I am (minus the jammies) - just me with my boy! (And Casey - I'll to try and get my face in one next time! No promises... but I'll try! *wink+grin*)

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission

reclaiming sundays... carefree and clothes free

Sometimes life feels like a runaway train and it takes everything from within to make a stand for slowing things down.

Raising kids is like that.

Regardless of jobs and deadlines and finances and responsibilities, just being a parent seems to propel life into fast forward. With each new milestone, developmental leap, and growth spurt the passing of time is amplified.

And so is the challenge of slowing things down, which is why I'm thrilled to say that our last few Sundays have looked a lot like this:

Sun, grass, a cheap wading pool, a garden hose, tall glasses of ice water, thrown together plates of cheese and cracker snacks, sticky, juicy orange slices, lounge chairs, sunscreen, floppy hats, a well-loved swing set, and sweet, mellow playlists providing the perfect soundtrack to the unfolding joy.

They have been lazy; they have been perfect.

No one straining to finish a project. No one sweating to cross things off the list. No one stressing to get one last errand in before the shops close.

Just resting, refreshing, relishing, enjoying.

But one of the best things about this time--these days--of our lives is this:

Little boys with bare naked bums.

I know if I'm not careful I'll blink and Levi will be too grown-up to run around the backyard naked without a care in the world.

So for now, we're savoring these days. Carefree and clothes free.

Life is good.

Dear friends, what are you savoring these days?


love,

ANNOUNCEMENTS

Are you pregnant? Link up with the Bloggin' Babes and Babies of 2011.

Share your creativity and Easter inspiration by submitting your Easter card to our Easter card linky (closing April 21).

This post is part of my Reclaiming Sundays project - an intentional effort to carve out family time every week to rest, refresh, breathe, laugh, relax, enjoy... Please feel free to join me if you'd like.

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission

after the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up

The storm—I mean tantrum—has ceased. The calm has returned. Now... what to do?

Here are some key do's and don'ts in following-up a toddler meltdown:

1.     DO give affirmation for a change of behavior and reinforce your expectations. Example: “Thank you for settling down Levi. I can hear you much better now that you are calm.”

2.     DO give your child validation. Help him identify/name his emotions, but make it clear that it’s not an excuse for poor behavior: “I know you were frustrated because the puzzle is hard, but it’s not okay to throw the pieces. How about mommy helps you next time?” Or “I know you felt angry, but hitting is not okay. It hurts mommy when you hit me.” (Sometimes this is also possible to do during a mild or medium tantrum if they haven’t reached full meltdown yet.)

3.     DON’T hesitate to ask for forgiveness. If you lost your cool and reacted inappropriately, tell your child what you did wrong and ask her for forgiveness. Even if she doesn’t fully understand what you are doing, she will eventually. (This process is just as important for you as it is for your child.) Example: “Mommy should not have yelled at you. That was unkind. I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me?” Then make yourself accountable and share what happened with another adult – tell your husband/partner or mom or friend what you did and ask for their help as you commit to responding better next time. (If reacting inappropriately is a recurring problem, then you should seek the advice of a professional.)

4.     DON’T take it personally. Your young child’s misbehaving should not be taken personally. He doesn't love you any less and, although it sometimes feels like it, he doesn't actually mean to make you feel disrespected when he throws fits.

5.     DON’T hold it against your child. Remember that she is constantly learning new skills and new ways to cope with her changing body, emotions, and surroundings. She is not “bad” or “unruly” or “difficult", she just need lots of practice.

6.     DON’T feel like you’ve failed when it happens again. Even if you do everything “right” in responding to your child’s tantrum, it doesn’t mean it will be his last one. Don’t be discouraged when you have to face the same scenario a second time. And a third. And a twelfth.

7.     DON’T compare your child to other children. Sure, the child down the street always seems to behave perfectly, but don’t underestimate her potential when behind closed doors! Kids are kids and they all need to learn how to manage their emotions and their growing sense of independence. (Keep in mind also that different temperaments can also contribute to more or less tantrums. Again, not a bad thing but something to keep in mind when you need more patience with your own child!)

8.     DON’T get sucked into feelings of false guilt. It’s tempting to think things like, “If I were a better mom my child would be better behaved.” But the reality is that even the best of parents have children that sometimes misbehave. Learning good behavior is a process, it is not inborn within our sweet little cherubs!

9.     DO take heart that your consistency will eventually pay off. When you are in the heat of the moment (and perhaps have had a long or tiring day yourself) it can be easy to think that you’ll never be able to cope with another tantrum. (I've been there!) But you will. And not only will you be able to cope, you will get to the place where your child eventually learns to both manage his emotions and hold himself together behaviorally.

This post is part of a four part series:

1.  The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

2.  Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits

3.  In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums

4.  The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

Dear friends, I hope this series on tackling toddler tantrums been helpful. Have you learned anything new or is there anything you'd like to add to the overall subject? Or how about specifically in regards to the follow-up process?

growing into motherhood one day at a time,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011 
do not reproduce without written permission

in the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums

We try to avoid. We try to avert. We try to redirect. But sometimes… the storm just hits anyway. Toddler tantrums can be a doozy. Here are seven ways of surviving a meltdown:

1.     Distract. The art of distraction is the secret weapon that all parents quickly learn is worth honing and perfecting! If your child is right on the verge of a tantrum but hasn’t quite crossed over yet (or maybe even in the beginning stages of one) a swift swoop to pick her up and give her a change of scenery is invaluable. Head to the window, turn on some music, pretend to be looking for something under the couch, or open the fridge and ask for help finding the apples. Use your imagination and send her tantrum back where it came from.

2.     Ignore. Many tantrums escalate when you “entertain” them and diffuse when you ignore them. If your child is getting physical (throwing his head back, arching his back, hitting, kicking, or pushing away from you) then put him down on the floor in a safe place and either walk away or simply turn your back until he settles down. Levi went through several weeks of this and I would leave the room saying, “I’ll be in the kitchen (or living room, etc.). Come join me when you settle down.” No exaggeration, he would come chattering away down the hall as happy as a clam one or two minutes later with no recollection of what his fit was about. Since that period, he’s rarely had the same type/severity of tantrums again. (I realize there is no guarantee that they won't recur with that same type of fury, but I do believe it shows he's learning!)

3.     Restrain. I’m told that if you find that putting your child on the floor to carry on while you walk away doesn’t work, then you can try restraining her. Gently but firmly place your arms around her or your hands on her shoulders. Quietly and calmly speak reassuring words into her ears until she settles down. (I’ve not used this method myself, but again, you have to find what works best for your child.)

4.     Refrain. You are the adult… so be mature and refrain from “tantruming” back. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to whine back at Levi or to match his fit with one of my own… but we need to remember who the adult is and act like it! Stay calm, keep your volume level, maintain a kind, respectful and firm tone, and always remain in control of your emotions. Never react with violence or anger and remember that you’re modeling to your child the way you’d like him to eventually respond to difficulty or conflict.

5.     Reason. If a child is already in full tantrum mode, remember that she has lost the ability to listen to reason. This is normal. Don’t become frustrated that she won’t listen to an instruction that she would normally respond well to. Leave your reasoning to before and after tantrums, not during. (This can help minimize your own frustration as well!)

6.     Remove. If a child reaches a full meltdown in public, resist the urge to coax them to behave (by giving a toy/treat/etc), and instead remove him to a more private/appropriate place (such as your car or a mothers room) and deal with the tantrum immediately. Your groceries can wait. This is the most loving thing you can do for your child as well as the most considerate thing you can do for other customers. Although it is not a “quick fix” (like giving in to his demand or shoving a cookie into his mouth), no doubt it will serve you much better in the long run.

7.     Breathe. It’s so important to know your own limits so that you don’t end up doing something you’ll regret later. When you get really frustrated, take a deep breath, make sure your child is in a safe, age-appropriate place (such as her crib/playpen or her room if it's completely child-proofed), and then go sit on your front steps for a few minutes, take a walk around the yard or to your mailbox, have a brief shower, get a drink of water, or call someone for a quick word of reassurance or encouragement. Breathe deeply, concentrate on getting your heart rate down, and then go back and attend to your child as needed. (Although it's normal to experience this from time-to-time, if this is a reoccurring problem then you should definitely consider seeking professional help.)

This post is part of a four part series:

1.  The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

2.  Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits

3.  In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums

4.  The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

Dear friends, I hope these tips have been helpful. I’m certainly still in the thick of tantrum territory and, no doubt, still have much to learn. Do you have anything to add to the coping methods above?? I’d love to hear your experience and suggestions!

perfecting my own art of distraction,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011 
do not reproduce without written permission

preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits

Tantrums and toddlerhood go together like sunscreen and sand... creating one frustrating, sticky mess. And although they are a normal part of your child’s development as he learns independence, it doesn’t mean they are easy to deal with. Tantrums can cause even a grown woman to overheat, blow steam from her nostrils, or be reduced to tears.

Navigating through the storm of toddler tantrums is certainly not one of the glamorous aspects of motherhood, but it is a necessary one.

As challenging as it is, I’m learning that tantrums don’t have to rule the roost. Here are some ways to avert toddler tantrums before they form into full scale disasters:

1.     Know and respect your child’s threshold, personality, and temperament. Some children are able to cope with more stimulation and activity than others. For example, if you have a very shy child and have already been to a playgroup in the morning, it’s probably best not to also attempt swimming lessons in the afternoon. If your toddler is easily over-stimulated, limit your errands to a few hours and then wind down with a quieter activity like a walk around the neighborhood. Keeping your child's personality and temperament in mind is not only a way to give them the respect they deserve, but it also aides in avoiding unnecessary melt-downs.

2.     Give warning of what’s ahead. Most adults don’t appreciate being interrupted, so why does it surprise us when our kids react poorly to our demands, especially when they are immersed in something they are enjoying? When possible, give a simple warning of what’s ahead. Example: “It’s almost nap time. Two more minutes and then we will pick up the toys and go read a story.” (Obviously this becomes more and more effective the older a toddler is.)

3.     Be preemptive. If you know that your toddler will want to grab at things in the grocery store, give her a snack or a special toy before her behavior goes awry, not in the midst of your battle. Also, when you can, time your outings to not interfere with meal times and naptimes. (Even adults have much less threshold for frustrations when we are tired or hungry!)

4.     Give your child choices, but not so many that it overwhelms them. Giving your child a choice helps foster his sense of independence, while allowing you to still maintain boundaries around his options. Example: “We have to get some groceries and go to the post office. Would you like to go to the grocery store first or the post office?”

5.     Use independence to your advantage. Example: “Your diaper needs to be changed now. Let’s go to your room. Would you like to walk there yourself like a big girl or shall I pick you up and carry you?”

6.     Make sure your child knows the ground rules. This one goes for older toddlers a little bit more than younger ones, but even very young toddlers understand much more than we often think they do. As they’re able to understand, communicate your expectations with them as you go out or go someplace new. Example: “We’re going to the toy store to get special present for Jack’s birthday, but we aren’t getting any new toys for you today. Would you like to help pick out Jack's present?” Or “We’re going to the library today. Do you remember what voice we use in the library? We use our best quiet voice! When you use your best quiet voice mommy will let you pick out some new stories to read.”

7.     Affirm good behavior on a regular basis. Instead of saying “good boy” or “good girl” when your child is well-behaved or obedient (which inadvertently makes them believe that being “good” is only a behavioral issue and is based on your approval), say things like: "good sharing" or “good listening” or “you made a good choice” or “thank you for being obedient/following instructions/etc”. (Side note: although I understand what people are intending, I hate being asked the question, “Is he a good baby/boy?” as I believe all children are “good”. It’s my belief that we need to separate the behavior from the intrinsic value of the individual and change our language accordingly!)

This post is part of a four part series:

1.  The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

2.  Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits

3.  In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums 

4.  The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

Dear friends, have any of these aversion techniques worked for you? Do you have any that I’ve not yet tried or considered? Please share your experiences! Next we will talk about coping with tantrums when they come and then how to follow them up when they pass...

storm dodging as best i can,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
 do not reproduce without written permission

the nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

Tackling Toddler Tantrums

I started out with the intention of writing one post about dealing with toddler tantrums. Then it turned into a two-part post because I realized my “intro” story about Levi's first mall tantrum was long enough to be a post of it’s own and that separating the “tips” into another post would work much better. 

Then I started editing and shaping up my “tips” notes and realized that I had way more to say on the subject than I originally thought. So, in order to keep things more digestible for the average blog reader, over the next few days you’ll be seeing the rest of this “accidental” series in four separate posts:

1. The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums
2. Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits
3. In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums 
4. The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

Although I’m no parenting expert, I do have a passion for healthy families and I’m gaining more and more understanding all the time. I hope that some of what I’ve learned (and am learning) will be helpful for other moms too.

The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

1.     Tantrums are a normal part of the development process as children learn that they are separate beings from their mamas/parents. They are part of a necessary struggle which helps children to learn emotional coping mechanisms, cultural and family norms, and healthy independence. For most children the onset will occur anywhere from between 9-10 months to two years old. It is considered “normal” for them to reoccur through the toddler and preschool years, but generally cease somewhere between the ages of 4-5 years old. (Remember, these are generalizations.)

2.     Children will not train themselves. As parents we must teach them what is acceptable behavior and what is not. We must also teach them how to cope with difficulties and differences of opinion, as well as how to recognize and manage their emotions.

3.     There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Punishment is a negative consequence for something done that is wrong. Discipline involves teaching, guiding, coaching, and shaping, as well as various forms of positive and negative consequences. Additionally, discipline comes before, during, and after a behavior, whereas punishment only happens after. Discipline is both proactive and responsive whereas punishment is merely reactive.

4.     Tantrums seek results. If your child gets stickers, food, or coddling as a result of his tantrum (bribing him to settle down) then he will throw one whenever he is seeking those types of rewards. If, however, a tantrum gets him very little amounts of attention or even privileges taken away, then he will quickly realize that tantrums won’t get him the results he seeks.

5.     Illness, growth spurts and developmental leaps, teething, and tiredness all escalate your child’s tendency to melt into a tantrum. We still need to help our little ones learn to cope with their emotions when they are feeling “under the weather”. But when they are functioning below their normal capacity it's fair and loving to try and understand where they are coming from, give a little extra grace and help, and try even harder to avoid things you already know are trigger points for your child. 

6.     Consistency in discipline is key. It’s unfair to your child if you discipline one way at home and one way in public – she will never learn what you expect of her nor what she should expect from you. This not only decreases your effectiveness but also undermines your child’s trust. Some make the argument that you don’t want to embarrass your child in public, but I would argue back that you should be as respectful to your child at home when no one is watching as you would in a crowded mall when you are under public scrutiny. Be consistent not only in how you discipline, but in giving your child the respect she deserves.

7.     Let your yes be yes and your no be no… and make sure your husband/partner is on the same page. Children get confused when parents waiver back and forth with different standards and decisions. If you say no, stick with it and make sure to communicate with your partner so that they are not unintentionally undermining your authority. Follow-through in parenting, as well as communication, cooperation, and respect between both parents, are crucial elements for a child to maintain a sense of long-term stability and trust.

8.     Don’t make flippant promises or refusals. Some parents are quick to say “yes” while others are quick to say “no”. When said carelessly both can be detrimental and give fuel to tantrums that could have been avoided. Be aware of your tendency and if your child is pressing you and you’re unsure, tell him you’ll have to think about it. (This one is more applicable to children 2 years or older.)

9.     Remember that your child is an individual and is developing all the time. As helpful as it is to hear from and observe other parents and how they deal with discipline issues, you’ve got to work out what works and doesn’t work for your own child, and what fits within your family value system. (And I imagine this also goes for having more than one child in the home – a home needs consistent standards, but parents also need to take into consideration individual capacities and comprehension levels for each of the children.)

10.  Count the cost for the precedent you will set. Dealing with tantrums is hard work. It’s emotionally and mentally exhausting, and can be physically draining as well. But the work you put into teaching and training your child as they navigate through toddlerhood tantrum territory is nothing compared to the disservice to your child of raising him to think that he can get what he wants by disregarding others and pursuing any means necessary to satisfy his urges and desires.

11.  Be prepared for some trial and error. Sometimes you just need to experiment with different techniques to see how to best discipline your child when she throws tantrums. Since every child is unique, some things will work better than others. This is a learning process for you as much as it is for your child.

12. Choose your battles. Determine what is worth a power-struggle over and what is not. Your toddler will test you on this and that's ok. Stick to your guns if it's a non-negotiable, but don't step onto the battle field unless you really think the outcome/big picture is worth it. Only you as a parent can determine which specific battles are really worth fighting with your child. (The exception, of course, is when your child is bringing harm to another child/individual. Then it is not just your choice, but your responsibility to intervene.)

Dear friends, over the next several days I will also be talking about ways to help prevent tantrums, what to do in the midst of tantrums, and how to follow-up with your child after a tantrum. I hope that these initial tips are a helpful starting place for other parents too. What principles have you learned when it comes to the nature of tantrums?

still learning but committed to parenting well,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission