the sneaky cookie-stealers at mcdonalds

Approaching discipline issues with others’ children is a very sensitive issue. What would you have done in this situation?

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It’s been raining constantly this week. Anyone knows that bad weather plus a stir-crazy toddler equals a potential disaster and an inevitable mommy meltdown.

So in order to avert said disaster and mommy meltdown, I decided to take Levi to McDonalds to change things up a bit. I would take my computer (free wifi), get a coffee at McCafe, and sit in the indoor kids area while Levi had some space to run around.

Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?

When we first got into the kids room there were about five school-age kids running around, everyone playing happily and having a blast. It wasn’t long before the kids disappeared, leaving behind a box of food that Levi quickly discovered.

I went over to swipe it away from him (didn’t want any half-chewed-up mcnuggets finding their way into his little mouth) and saw that it was an unopened box of cookies. Score! I am a sucker for McDonald’s cookies – both the chocolate chip ones and the animal cookie(ish) ones. These were the animal cookie ones – a perfect snack for Levi and I to share.

Thinking about it for a brief moment, I decided to put them down and make sure the other kids weren’t just out for a bathroom break or something. “If these are still here after a little while we can share them,” I said to Levi (but more to myself than him).

I have to admit, the thought of free cookies did excite me a little, but of course I didn’t want to steal from unsuspecting children who may get to the car and realize they left their precious cookies behind.

A few minutes later some older kids came in; they must have been about nine and eleven years old. Immediately they also discovered the cookies and the younger brother picked them up.

“Are those yours?” I asked, knowing full well that they were not.

“No, they’re not his,” the older sister said.

“Well then put them down please.” I replied.

“But those kids left,” the boy protested.

“How do you know they won’t come back to get them?” I continued. “Please put them back where you found them.”

The boy put them down.

For the next several minutes the kids lurked on the stairs near the forgotten cookies. I could see them out of the corner of my eye, looking for an opening. I glanced up frequently from my computer, curious as to what they would do but also keeping an eye on my 14-month-old.

They knew full well that I was watching them. They also knew full well that I wasn’t their mother.

Sure enough after a few minutes I noticed that the two were no longer hovering over those coveted cookies. They had disappeared into the play structure along with the coveted box.

Yes, I was irritated. Not just because I couldn’t have my cookies (heck, I could always just go and buy some for us – that wasn’t a big deal), but because I told them not to pick them up and they snuck around and defiantly took them anyway.

I sat there thinking about what to do while the kids watched from within the structure to see if I noticed.  My former childcare worker/preschool teacher self was coming out and I wanted to set these kids straight. However I also knew that I have no business disciplining someone else’s kids at McDonalds. (By the way I was the only parent in the play area – these kids were plenty old enough to play unsupervised and their parents were nowhere to be seen.)

After several minutes of deliberations, I decided to give them a short “pep talk” and maybe lay on a little healthy guilt.

As I walked toward the structure I could hear alarmed whispers, frantic shuffles, and crinkling cellophane.

I peered around the corner and they looked at me with wide-eyes, no doubt wondering what their fate was.

“I know you guys took those cookies”, I said in a calm, respectful tone. “Didn’t I tell you when you first came in that they didn’t belong to you? And then you snuck around and took them anyway when I wasn’t looking. I know I’m not your mom, but I’m still an adult and you should know better than sneaking around like that to do something you know you shouldn’t. Anyway, I just think that next time you should think about it a little more before you sneak around taking other peoples stuff.”

Then I went back to my place on the floor and left it at that.

I found this hard because: 1) I had no authority to discipline these kids (just as I wouldn’t want a stranger disciplining mine); 2) I believed these kids were old enough to make good decisions and the fact that they were sneaking around just proved that to me; 3) My parent/teacher instincts wanted to help them learn self control and integrity; 4) Let’s face it, I had already mentally staked a claim to those forgotten cookies.

Dear friends, what do you think? Was I sticking my nose where it didn’t belong? Would you have spoken to these kids initially about the cookies? Or again after they took them? Would you have left it as-is? Maybe you would have just eaten the cookies in the first place, or left them for the next person without noticing or caring. And what do you think in general – should you call out kids when they blatantly misbehave if their parents aren’t there to do it themselves? Or should you just ignore it as long as it doesn’t effect your own child? I generally think it’s not my business unless it is harming another child or affecting mine in a way I don’t approve of… but this little scenario just pushed a button since they so defiantly and sneakily disregarded my straight-forward instruction (which I felt was a completely reasonable instruction in the first place). What do you think?? Feel free to agree or disagree with me, as long as you do it respectfully. :)

still cookie-less and kinda sad about it,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission

in the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums

We try to avoid. We try to avert. We try to redirect. But sometimes… the storm just hits anyway. Toddler tantrums can be a doozy. Here are seven ways of surviving a meltdown:

1.     Distract. The art of distraction is the secret weapon that all parents quickly learn is worth honing and perfecting! If your child is right on the verge of a tantrum but hasn’t quite crossed over yet (or maybe even in the beginning stages of one) a swift swoop to pick her up and give her a change of scenery is invaluable. Head to the window, turn on some music, pretend to be looking for something under the couch, or open the fridge and ask for help finding the apples. Use your imagination and send her tantrum back where it came from.

2.     Ignore. Many tantrums escalate when you “entertain” them and diffuse when you ignore them. If your child is getting physical (throwing his head back, arching his back, hitting, kicking, or pushing away from you) then put him down on the floor in a safe place and either walk away or simply turn your back until he settles down. Levi went through several weeks of this and I would leave the room saying, “I’ll be in the kitchen (or living room, etc.). Come join me when you settle down.” No exaggeration, he would come chattering away down the hall as happy as a clam one or two minutes later with no recollection of what his fit was about. Since that period, he’s rarely had the same type/severity of tantrums again. (I realize there is no guarantee that they won't recur with that same type of fury, but I do believe it shows he's learning!)

3.     Restrain. I’m told that if you find that putting your child on the floor to carry on while you walk away doesn’t work, then you can try restraining her. Gently but firmly place your arms around her or your hands on her shoulders. Quietly and calmly speak reassuring words into her ears until she settles down. (I’ve not used this method myself, but again, you have to find what works best for your child.)

4.     Refrain. You are the adult… so be mature and refrain from “tantruming” back. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to whine back at Levi or to match his fit with one of my own… but we need to remember who the adult is and act like it! Stay calm, keep your volume level, maintain a kind, respectful and firm tone, and always remain in control of your emotions. Never react with violence or anger and remember that you’re modeling to your child the way you’d like him to eventually respond to difficulty or conflict.

5.     Reason. If a child is already in full tantrum mode, remember that she has lost the ability to listen to reason. This is normal. Don’t become frustrated that she won’t listen to an instruction that she would normally respond well to. Leave your reasoning to before and after tantrums, not during. (This can help minimize your own frustration as well!)

6.     Remove. If a child reaches a full meltdown in public, resist the urge to coax them to behave (by giving a toy/treat/etc), and instead remove him to a more private/appropriate place (such as your car or a mothers room) and deal with the tantrum immediately. Your groceries can wait. This is the most loving thing you can do for your child as well as the most considerate thing you can do for other customers. Although it is not a “quick fix” (like giving in to his demand or shoving a cookie into his mouth), no doubt it will serve you much better in the long run.

7.     Breathe. It’s so important to know your own limits so that you don’t end up doing something you’ll regret later. When you get really frustrated, take a deep breath, make sure your child is in a safe, age-appropriate place (such as her crib/playpen or her room if it's completely child-proofed), and then go sit on your front steps for a few minutes, take a walk around the yard or to your mailbox, have a brief shower, get a drink of water, or call someone for a quick word of reassurance or encouragement. Breathe deeply, concentrate on getting your heart rate down, and then go back and attend to your child as needed. (Although it's normal to experience this from time-to-time, if this is a reoccurring problem then you should definitely consider seeking professional help.)

This post is part of a four part series:

1.  The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

2.  Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits

3.  In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums

4.  The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

Dear friends, I hope these tips have been helpful. I’m certainly still in the thick of tantrum territory and, no doubt, still have much to learn. Do you have anything to add to the coping methods above?? I’d love to hear your experience and suggestions!

perfecting my own art of distraction,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011 
do not reproduce without written permission

the nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

Tackling Toddler Tantrums

I started out with the intention of writing one post about dealing with toddler tantrums. Then it turned into a two-part post because I realized my “intro” story about Levi's first mall tantrum was long enough to be a post of it’s own and that separating the “tips” into another post would work much better. 

Then I started editing and shaping up my “tips” notes and realized that I had way more to say on the subject than I originally thought. So, in order to keep things more digestible for the average blog reader, over the next few days you’ll be seeing the rest of this “accidental” series in four separate posts:

1. The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums
2. Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits
3. In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums 
4. The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

Although I’m no parenting expert, I do have a passion for healthy families and I’m gaining more and more understanding all the time. I hope that some of what I’ve learned (and am learning) will be helpful for other moms too.

The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

1.     Tantrums are a normal part of the development process as children learn that they are separate beings from their mamas/parents. They are part of a necessary struggle which helps children to learn emotional coping mechanisms, cultural and family norms, and healthy independence. For most children the onset will occur anywhere from between 9-10 months to two years old. It is considered “normal” for them to reoccur through the toddler and preschool years, but generally cease somewhere between the ages of 4-5 years old. (Remember, these are generalizations.)

2.     Children will not train themselves. As parents we must teach them what is acceptable behavior and what is not. We must also teach them how to cope with difficulties and differences of opinion, as well as how to recognize and manage their emotions.

3.     There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Punishment is a negative consequence for something done that is wrong. Discipline involves teaching, guiding, coaching, and shaping, as well as various forms of positive and negative consequences. Additionally, discipline comes before, during, and after a behavior, whereas punishment only happens after. Discipline is both proactive and responsive whereas punishment is merely reactive.

4.     Tantrums seek results. If your child gets stickers, food, or coddling as a result of his tantrum (bribing him to settle down) then he will throw one whenever he is seeking those types of rewards. If, however, a tantrum gets him very little amounts of attention or even privileges taken away, then he will quickly realize that tantrums won’t get him the results he seeks.

5.     Illness, growth spurts and developmental leaps, teething, and tiredness all escalate your child’s tendency to melt into a tantrum. We still need to help our little ones learn to cope with their emotions when they are feeling “under the weather”. But when they are functioning below their normal capacity it's fair and loving to try and understand where they are coming from, give a little extra grace and help, and try even harder to avoid things you already know are trigger points for your child. 

6.     Consistency in discipline is key. It’s unfair to your child if you discipline one way at home and one way in public – she will never learn what you expect of her nor what she should expect from you. This not only decreases your effectiveness but also undermines your child’s trust. Some make the argument that you don’t want to embarrass your child in public, but I would argue back that you should be as respectful to your child at home when no one is watching as you would in a crowded mall when you are under public scrutiny. Be consistent not only in how you discipline, but in giving your child the respect she deserves.

7.     Let your yes be yes and your no be no… and make sure your husband/partner is on the same page. Children get confused when parents waiver back and forth with different standards and decisions. If you say no, stick with it and make sure to communicate with your partner so that they are not unintentionally undermining your authority. Follow-through in parenting, as well as communication, cooperation, and respect between both parents, are crucial elements for a child to maintain a sense of long-term stability and trust.

8.     Don’t make flippant promises or refusals. Some parents are quick to say “yes” while others are quick to say “no”. When said carelessly both can be detrimental and give fuel to tantrums that could have been avoided. Be aware of your tendency and if your child is pressing you and you’re unsure, tell him you’ll have to think about it. (This one is more applicable to children 2 years or older.)

9.     Remember that your child is an individual and is developing all the time. As helpful as it is to hear from and observe other parents and how they deal with discipline issues, you’ve got to work out what works and doesn’t work for your own child, and what fits within your family value system. (And I imagine this also goes for having more than one child in the home – a home needs consistent standards, but parents also need to take into consideration individual capacities and comprehension levels for each of the children.)

10.  Count the cost for the precedent you will set. Dealing with tantrums is hard work. It’s emotionally and mentally exhausting, and can be physically draining as well. But the work you put into teaching and training your child as they navigate through toddlerhood tantrum territory is nothing compared to the disservice to your child of raising him to think that he can get what he wants by disregarding others and pursuing any means necessary to satisfy his urges and desires.

11.  Be prepared for some trial and error. Sometimes you just need to experiment with different techniques to see how to best discipline your child when she throws tantrums. Since every child is unique, some things will work better than others. This is a learning process for you as much as it is for your child.

12. Choose your battles. Determine what is worth a power-struggle over and what is not. Your toddler will test you on this and that's ok. Stick to your guns if it's a non-negotiable, but don't step onto the battle field unless you really think the outcome/big picture is worth it. Only you as a parent can determine which specific battles are really worth fighting with your child. (The exception, of course, is when your child is bringing harm to another child/individual. Then it is not just your choice, but your responsibility to intervene.)

Dear friends, over the next several days I will also be talking about ways to help prevent tantrums, what to do in the midst of tantrums, and how to follow-up with your child after a tantrum. I hope that these initial tips are a helpful starting place for other parents too. What principles have you learned when it comes to the nature of tantrums?

still learning but committed to parenting well,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission