after the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up

The storm—I mean tantrum—has ceased. The calm has returned. Now... what to do?

Here are some key do's and don'ts in following-up a toddler meltdown:

1.     DO give affirmation for a change of behavior and reinforce your expectations. Example: “Thank you for settling down Levi. I can hear you much better now that you are calm.”

2.     DO give your child validation. Help him identify/name his emotions, but make it clear that it’s not an excuse for poor behavior: “I know you were frustrated because the puzzle is hard, but it’s not okay to throw the pieces. How about mommy helps you next time?” Or “I know you felt angry, but hitting is not okay. It hurts mommy when you hit me.” (Sometimes this is also possible to do during a mild or medium tantrum if they haven’t reached full meltdown yet.)

3.     DON’T hesitate to ask for forgiveness. If you lost your cool and reacted inappropriately, tell your child what you did wrong and ask her for forgiveness. Even if she doesn’t fully understand what you are doing, she will eventually. (This process is just as important for you as it is for your child.) Example: “Mommy should not have yelled at you. That was unkind. I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me?” Then make yourself accountable and share what happened with another adult – tell your husband/partner or mom or friend what you did and ask for their help as you commit to responding better next time. (If reacting inappropriately is a recurring problem, then you should seek the advice of a professional.)

4.     DON’T take it personally. Your young child’s misbehaving should not be taken personally. He doesn't love you any less and, although it sometimes feels like it, he doesn't actually mean to make you feel disrespected when he throws fits.

5.     DON’T hold it against your child. Remember that she is constantly learning new skills and new ways to cope with her changing body, emotions, and surroundings. She is not “bad” or “unruly” or “difficult", she just need lots of practice.

6.     DON’T feel like you’ve failed when it happens again. Even if you do everything “right” in responding to your child’s tantrum, it doesn’t mean it will be his last one. Don’t be discouraged when you have to face the same scenario a second time. And a third. And a twelfth.

7.     DON’T compare your child to other children. Sure, the child down the street always seems to behave perfectly, but don’t underestimate her potential when behind closed doors! Kids are kids and they all need to learn how to manage their emotions and their growing sense of independence. (Keep in mind also that different temperaments can also contribute to more or less tantrums. Again, not a bad thing but something to keep in mind when you need more patience with your own child!)

8.     DON’T get sucked into feelings of false guilt. It’s tempting to think things like, “If I were a better mom my child would be better behaved.” But the reality is that even the best of parents have children that sometimes misbehave. Learning good behavior is a process, it is not inborn within our sweet little cherubs!

9.     DO take heart that your consistency will eventually pay off. When you are in the heat of the moment (and perhaps have had a long or tiring day yourself) it can be easy to think that you’ll never be able to cope with another tantrum. (I've been there!) But you will. And not only will you be able to cope, you will get to the place where your child eventually learns to both manage his emotions and hold himself together behaviorally.

This post is part of a four part series:

1.  The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

2.  Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits

3.  In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums

4.  The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

Dear friends, I hope this series on tackling toddler tantrums been helpful. Have you learned anything new or is there anything you'd like to add to the overall subject? Or how about specifically in regards to the follow-up process?

growing into motherhood one day at a time,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011 
do not reproduce without written permission

in the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums

We try to avoid. We try to avert. We try to redirect. But sometimes… the storm just hits anyway. Toddler tantrums can be a doozy. Here are seven ways of surviving a meltdown:

1.     Distract. The art of distraction is the secret weapon that all parents quickly learn is worth honing and perfecting! If your child is right on the verge of a tantrum but hasn’t quite crossed over yet (or maybe even in the beginning stages of one) a swift swoop to pick her up and give her a change of scenery is invaluable. Head to the window, turn on some music, pretend to be looking for something under the couch, or open the fridge and ask for help finding the apples. Use your imagination and send her tantrum back where it came from.

2.     Ignore. Many tantrums escalate when you “entertain” them and diffuse when you ignore them. If your child is getting physical (throwing his head back, arching his back, hitting, kicking, or pushing away from you) then put him down on the floor in a safe place and either walk away or simply turn your back until he settles down. Levi went through several weeks of this and I would leave the room saying, “I’ll be in the kitchen (or living room, etc.). Come join me when you settle down.” No exaggeration, he would come chattering away down the hall as happy as a clam one or two minutes later with no recollection of what his fit was about. Since that period, he’s rarely had the same type/severity of tantrums again. (I realize there is no guarantee that they won't recur with that same type of fury, but I do believe it shows he's learning!)

3.     Restrain. I’m told that if you find that putting your child on the floor to carry on while you walk away doesn’t work, then you can try restraining her. Gently but firmly place your arms around her or your hands on her shoulders. Quietly and calmly speak reassuring words into her ears until she settles down. (I’ve not used this method myself, but again, you have to find what works best for your child.)

4.     Refrain. You are the adult… so be mature and refrain from “tantruming” back. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to whine back at Levi or to match his fit with one of my own… but we need to remember who the adult is and act like it! Stay calm, keep your volume level, maintain a kind, respectful and firm tone, and always remain in control of your emotions. Never react with violence or anger and remember that you’re modeling to your child the way you’d like him to eventually respond to difficulty or conflict.

5.     Reason. If a child is already in full tantrum mode, remember that she has lost the ability to listen to reason. This is normal. Don’t become frustrated that she won’t listen to an instruction that she would normally respond well to. Leave your reasoning to before and after tantrums, not during. (This can help minimize your own frustration as well!)

6.     Remove. If a child reaches a full meltdown in public, resist the urge to coax them to behave (by giving a toy/treat/etc), and instead remove him to a more private/appropriate place (such as your car or a mothers room) and deal with the tantrum immediately. Your groceries can wait. This is the most loving thing you can do for your child as well as the most considerate thing you can do for other customers. Although it is not a “quick fix” (like giving in to his demand or shoving a cookie into his mouth), no doubt it will serve you much better in the long run.

7.     Breathe. It’s so important to know your own limits so that you don’t end up doing something you’ll regret later. When you get really frustrated, take a deep breath, make sure your child is in a safe, age-appropriate place (such as her crib/playpen or her room if it's completely child-proofed), and then go sit on your front steps for a few minutes, take a walk around the yard or to your mailbox, have a brief shower, get a drink of water, or call someone for a quick word of reassurance or encouragement. Breathe deeply, concentrate on getting your heart rate down, and then go back and attend to your child as needed. (Although it's normal to experience this from time-to-time, if this is a reoccurring problem then you should definitely consider seeking professional help.)

This post is part of a four part series:

1.  The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

2.  Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits

3.  In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums

4.  The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

Dear friends, I hope these tips have been helpful. I’m certainly still in the thick of tantrum territory and, no doubt, still have much to learn. Do you have anything to add to the coping methods above?? I’d love to hear your experience and suggestions!

perfecting my own art of distraction,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011 
do not reproduce without written permission

the nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

Tackling Toddler Tantrums

I started out with the intention of writing one post about dealing with toddler tantrums. Then it turned into a two-part post because I realized my “intro” story about Levi's first mall tantrum was long enough to be a post of it’s own and that separating the “tips” into another post would work much better. 

Then I started editing and shaping up my “tips” notes and realized that I had way more to say on the subject than I originally thought. So, in order to keep things more digestible for the average blog reader, over the next few days you’ll be seeing the rest of this “accidental” series in four separate posts:

1. The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums
2. Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits
3. In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums 
4. The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

Although I’m no parenting expert, I do have a passion for healthy families and I’m gaining more and more understanding all the time. I hope that some of what I’ve learned (and am learning) will be helpful for other moms too.

The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

1.     Tantrums are a normal part of the development process as children learn that they are separate beings from their mamas/parents. They are part of a necessary struggle which helps children to learn emotional coping mechanisms, cultural and family norms, and healthy independence. For most children the onset will occur anywhere from between 9-10 months to two years old. It is considered “normal” for them to reoccur through the toddler and preschool years, but generally cease somewhere between the ages of 4-5 years old. (Remember, these are generalizations.)

2.     Children will not train themselves. As parents we must teach them what is acceptable behavior and what is not. We must also teach them how to cope with difficulties and differences of opinion, as well as how to recognize and manage their emotions.

3.     There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Punishment is a negative consequence for something done that is wrong. Discipline involves teaching, guiding, coaching, and shaping, as well as various forms of positive and negative consequences. Additionally, discipline comes before, during, and after a behavior, whereas punishment only happens after. Discipline is both proactive and responsive whereas punishment is merely reactive.

4.     Tantrums seek results. If your child gets stickers, food, or coddling as a result of his tantrum (bribing him to settle down) then he will throw one whenever he is seeking those types of rewards. If, however, a tantrum gets him very little amounts of attention or even privileges taken away, then he will quickly realize that tantrums won’t get him the results he seeks.

5.     Illness, growth spurts and developmental leaps, teething, and tiredness all escalate your child’s tendency to melt into a tantrum. We still need to help our little ones learn to cope with their emotions when they are feeling “under the weather”. But when they are functioning below their normal capacity it's fair and loving to try and understand where they are coming from, give a little extra grace and help, and try even harder to avoid things you already know are trigger points for your child. 

6.     Consistency in discipline is key. It’s unfair to your child if you discipline one way at home and one way in public – she will never learn what you expect of her nor what she should expect from you. This not only decreases your effectiveness but also undermines your child’s trust. Some make the argument that you don’t want to embarrass your child in public, but I would argue back that you should be as respectful to your child at home when no one is watching as you would in a crowded mall when you are under public scrutiny. Be consistent not only in how you discipline, but in giving your child the respect she deserves.

7.     Let your yes be yes and your no be no… and make sure your husband/partner is on the same page. Children get confused when parents waiver back and forth with different standards and decisions. If you say no, stick with it and make sure to communicate with your partner so that they are not unintentionally undermining your authority. Follow-through in parenting, as well as communication, cooperation, and respect between both parents, are crucial elements for a child to maintain a sense of long-term stability and trust.

8.     Don’t make flippant promises or refusals. Some parents are quick to say “yes” while others are quick to say “no”. When said carelessly both can be detrimental and give fuel to tantrums that could have been avoided. Be aware of your tendency and if your child is pressing you and you’re unsure, tell him you’ll have to think about it. (This one is more applicable to children 2 years or older.)

9.     Remember that your child is an individual and is developing all the time. As helpful as it is to hear from and observe other parents and how they deal with discipline issues, you’ve got to work out what works and doesn’t work for your own child, and what fits within your family value system. (And I imagine this also goes for having more than one child in the home – a home needs consistent standards, but parents also need to take into consideration individual capacities and comprehension levels for each of the children.)

10.  Count the cost for the precedent you will set. Dealing with tantrums is hard work. It’s emotionally and mentally exhausting, and can be physically draining as well. But the work you put into teaching and training your child as they navigate through toddlerhood tantrum territory is nothing compared to the disservice to your child of raising him to think that he can get what he wants by disregarding others and pursuing any means necessary to satisfy his urges and desires.

11.  Be prepared for some trial and error. Sometimes you just need to experiment with different techniques to see how to best discipline your child when she throws tantrums. Since every child is unique, some things will work better than others. This is a learning process for you as much as it is for your child.

12. Choose your battles. Determine what is worth a power-struggle over and what is not. Your toddler will test you on this and that's ok. Stick to your guns if it's a non-negotiable, but don't step onto the battle field unless you really think the outcome/big picture is worth it. Only you as a parent can determine which specific battles are really worth fighting with your child. (The exception, of course, is when your child is bringing harm to another child/individual. Then it is not just your choice, but your responsibility to intervene.)

Dear friends, over the next several days I will also be talking about ways to help prevent tantrums, what to do in the midst of tantrums, and how to follow-up with your child after a tantrum. I hope that these initial tips are a helpful starting place for other parents too. What principles have you learned when it comes to the nature of tantrums?

still learning but committed to parenting well,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission

tackling toddler tantrums (kicking off the series)

This weekend we had our first “mall tantrum”. It wasn’t as epic as most I’ve seen. In fact, it was a strange and hilarious combination of mild protesting and theatrical maneuvers. But it was a public tantrum nonetheless.

Both Ryan and I had to muster every ounce of self-control to keep from laughing.

Having no idea about the mall’s opening hours on a Sunday, we arrived a good 45+ minutes before shops opened. Instead of leaving and coming back we decided to take the opportunity to do a loop around the sparsely populated mall and let Levi roam free, stopping to touch and check out and touch every interesting mirror, door, plant, and who-knows-what that caught his eye. It was nice to not have to rush through errands like we normally do and fun to watch his curiosity lead him from one shop window to another.

But soon more and more people trickled in, the shops started to open, and coffee and cinnamon donuts began to call this expecting mama by name. As fun as it had been, I decided we were done “roaming aimlessly” and that I would pick up Levi and carry him for the rest of the short walk to our destination.

As I tried to pick him up, Levi immediately did the backwards swan dive in protest. When he does this I routinely put him on the floor and walk away. Mommy’s not going to entertain a tantrum, whether it’s at home or surrounded by onlookers.

{since i have no photos of levi mid-tantrum, i thought i'd show you him totally relaxed instead.}

As soon as I put him on the floor, he began what looked like a synchronized swimming routine in slow motion. He rolled onto his tummy, stretched his arms and legs out, rolled onto his back and then his tummy again, did the cobra position, transitioned into the downward dog, and then looked over to where Ryan and I were standing so he could see our reaction.

It was at this point we were desperately trying to hold it together… it was outrageously funny. (I admit that it did help that the mall was still fairly quiet and only a few people actually witnessed the little scene.)

He saw that we were not impressed or reacting and then sat up clearly disappointed and defeated. It was at this point where I walked back over to him, asked him if he’d like to try again, and picked him up without a struggle to walk the rest of the way. Of course he was happy and carefree – not at all affected by the mini-drama that had unfolded just moments before.

But here’s the key: As much as Levi walks away from a tanty having virtually forgotten what just happened, I’m also learning not to let them dictate the rest of my day either.

When he first started throwing fits, I felt helpless and clueless and outright discouraged. Having worked in childcare for years I’ve had the opportunity to deal with tantrums in toddlers and preschoolers before… but our little guy started exerting his independence at eight months old. Yes, we’re talking throwing himself at my feet and rolling around screaming on the floor – all-out tantrums beginning at a mere eight months! I was beside myself with shock and surprise to see this happening so early.

But now, with a few months under my belt, I’m feeling much more at ease addressing this part of the development process. It’s all a part of growing-up – both Levi as a little toddler and me as a confident mother.

Granted, this little mall tanty was a mild one—and we’ve had many occasions of dealing with much worse ones in this house—but I do feel like I’m understanding more and more how to best handle these suckers when they arrive. I’m no expert, and there are many more moms out there who are far more experienced than I am, but I want to share some of what I’ve learned so far…

So..... come back tomorrow for my tips and tricks for dealing with toddler meltdowns!! (Otherwise this post would just get far too long!)

Dear friends, the experts say that throwing tantrums is a normal part of the development phase as babies and toddlers learn to exert their independence. For some it really kicks in around two or three years old, for others around a year old, and still for others even earlier than that. When did your child start with his/her first tantrums? And was it a phase that lasted long?


learning to stay calm, firm, and patient,

See also:

1. The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums
2. Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits 
3. In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums 
4. The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

linking in with chelsea for the "green" challenge:

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission