tricky toddlers at the table: 100 finger food ideas in the making

Is your toddler a picky eater? Do you struggle with finding the right balance of healthy foods at mealtimes?

Or perhaps you've cracked it - the magic code of the toddler mind, knowing exactly what makes a food "num" and what makes it "yuck". (Tell me your secret!)

Or maybe you're one of the lucky ones who has a kid who will shovel down anything? (Lucky you. I'm happy for you... and jealous.)

As much as I don't like to admit it, I have one of those toddlers who is selective about what he eats. (As a recovering "picky eater" myself I have come to loathe the word picky, so selective it is.)

And don't be fooled by the colorful spread of veggies in the photo above. Every last one of those peas deliberately ended up in the fold of Mr. Clever's bib. And the pumpkin chunks weren't far behind. (Sound familiar anyone??)

When Levi was a baby he ate anything spooned into his mouth (starting on solids at six months old). We pureed all of our own baby foods and he ate every vegetable or fruit that he was introduced to. (Although he has always been a painfully slow eater and not a shoveler!) Same with meats, pastas, curries, and plenty of other things. As long as they were pureed he liked them.

Then we started introducing finger foods. At first it was fun, but things have gone downhill ever since.

Flash-forward to the present:

My boy eats an enormous breakfast. A normal breakfast for him would be a scrambled egg, an adult-size bowl of shredded-wheat type cereal, a piece of fruit, and a big serving of yogurt. He eats three times as much as I do (and I'm not even joking). At lunch he will easily eat an entire sandwich on whole grain bread, plus some cheese, plus some fruit. (Again, he eats more than his mother.) But by the time he gets to dinner he will often just have a few bites, and of course this is traditionally when I would try to feed him veggies and meats and other things (whatever we're eating basically).

He would literally live on cereal, toast, sandwiches, eggs, fruit, and crackers if we let him. But veggies? He no longer likes veggies. Not a single one. I've even tried giving him dinner-type meals (with meat and veg) in the morning when he's most hungry. No dice. The only way I can get him to eat veggies at the moment is pureed in those expensive baby food squeezie things, because God forbid Mr. Independent would need to be spoon fed! (And he hasn't really mastered the spoon for himself yet either.) As for meat, he could take it or leave it. And pasta? He spits it out every time... even mac and cheese. (I didn't even think there was such a thing as kids who don't like pasta, much less mac and cheese!!)

I'm no dietician, but I'm pretty sure my child needs more than cereal and sandwiches to be in the best possible health.

So how in the world I give this kid a balanced diet is beyond me. But--in between peanut butter and jelly sandwiches--I'm trying. And I know I'm not alone.

I want to compile a list of 100 simple finger food ideas for toddlers. My list is started, but not complete. This is where you come in. Will you leave your finger food ideas in the comments below? Once collected and sorted and edited I will make a PDF that can be downloaded and shared (and will include all contributors in the credits). I'm not looking for recipes, just ideas in bullet form will be fine (ie rice cakes with avocado spread or veggie burgers bites dipped in catsup).

I'm hoping this will make my job as head toddler chef in our household a tiny bit easier... and perhaps it will help some other desperate moms too. Because surely I'm not alone. Right?    Right?         Right?!

Ok friends, GO! What are your favorite tried and true toddler finger food stand-bys?

i ain't no masterchef but i do my best,

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adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission

enough is enough

How do you make room in your life for baby number two?

As much as I feel my heart is big enough for another child, I sometimes feel as if my head is not. (Not to mention my energy supply.)

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about our new baby and how carrying her* is so much different to carrying our first.

{24 weeks pregnant with baby #1}

When I was pregnant with Levi, so much of my little internal world revolved around thoughts of him, thoughts of impending motherhood, thoughts of how our world was turning upside-down.

And yet with the new baby it is so different. So much of my headspace is already taken up with thoughts of how to care for Levi: How can I get him to eat his veggies? Is it possible to make him sleep in a little longer in the mornings? (9:00am would be good *wink*.) When should I start potty training him or moving him from a crib to a bed? How do I discipline well and how do I keep my cool when he’s having a tantrum? How will I take care of him while meeting the demands of a newborn?

So many thoughts and questions… and so often pointing back to him.

And then I feel guilty. Guilty that I think of him far more than I think of my new baby. Or, more accurately, that I don't think of my new baby the same way I thought of Levi throughout my first pregnancy.

I feel like perhaps I should be more aware of my pregnancy… more in tune with my growing baby… more something.

And yet I know that baby is tucked up in my womb receiving everything from me that he* needs, and at the same time God is forming and fashioning him to be the person who he is and will be. It’s all happening just right, just perfectly, despite where my headspace is during the whole process.

I know there will come a time when she* is my arms and I will struggle with guilt in the same way related to Levi. I will be breastfeeding her around the clock, changing her diapers a thousand times more than Levi’s, ooo-ing over her little infant milestones like her first smile, holding her head up, and rolling over… while Levi, no doubt, will be vying for some of his old attention back.

It will be a tension to work out then, but it is not one to worry about now.

And I guess parenting is like that. Being a mom is like that.

There will always be a tension between all that I desire to do and the reality of what I actually can do.

I will never think of my babies enough, pray for them enough, nurture them enough, train and teach and coach them enough, listen to them enough, spend time with them enough.

But this I know – I will always love them enough. My love will be as deep and as wide as is humanly possible from a dedicated—yet imperfect—parent. And where I fall short there will be others there to fill in the gaps: their daddy, extended family, dear friends, even God himself.

And that is what gives me comfort when I have those “I will never be enough” thoughts.

Because the amount of my headspace taken up by thoughts of my new baby is no indication of how I feel about him*. As simplistic as it sounds, it really is just a casualty of a very busy, very emotionally and physically draining, and very intense (yet still precious and fun!) season of life that I'm already in as a new(ish) mom of a toddler.

My new baby is loved, incredibly loved, and that—combined with my commitment to parent to the best of my ability—is enough.

Dear friends, do you ever feel like your ‘enough’ isn’t enough? If so, what do you do to tame the negative, guilt-ridden thoughts running through your mind?

loving my babies, parenting as best i can, and believing it's enough,

*Since I don't yet know the gender of baby #2 (and since I don't like to call him/her "it") I have alternated between masculine and feminine pronouns by paragraph. Hopefully it's not too confusing.

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adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission

the sneaky cookie-stealers at mcdonalds

Approaching discipline issues with others’ children is a very sensitive issue. What would you have done in this situation?

{image source here}

It’s been raining constantly this week. Anyone knows that bad weather plus a stir-crazy toddler equals a potential disaster and an inevitable mommy meltdown.

So in order to avert said disaster and mommy meltdown, I decided to take Levi to McDonalds to change things up a bit. I would take my computer (free wifi), get a coffee at McCafe, and sit in the indoor kids area while Levi had some space to run around.

Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?

When we first got into the kids room there were about five school-age kids running around, everyone playing happily and having a blast. It wasn’t long before the kids disappeared, leaving behind a box of food that Levi quickly discovered.

I went over to swipe it away from him (didn’t want any half-chewed-up mcnuggets finding their way into his little mouth) and saw that it was an unopened box of cookies. Score! I am a sucker for McDonald’s cookies – both the chocolate chip ones and the animal cookie(ish) ones. These were the animal cookie ones – a perfect snack for Levi and I to share.

Thinking about it for a brief moment, I decided to put them down and make sure the other kids weren’t just out for a bathroom break or something. “If these are still here after a little while we can share them,” I said to Levi (but more to myself than him).

I have to admit, the thought of free cookies did excite me a little, but of course I didn’t want to steal from unsuspecting children who may get to the car and realize they left their precious cookies behind.

A few minutes later some older kids came in; they must have been about nine and eleven years old. Immediately they also discovered the cookies and the younger brother picked them up.

“Are those yours?” I asked, knowing full well that they were not.

“No, they’re not his,” the older sister said.

“Well then put them down please.” I replied.

“But those kids left,” the boy protested.

“How do you know they won’t come back to get them?” I continued. “Please put them back where you found them.”

The boy put them down.

For the next several minutes the kids lurked on the stairs near the forgotten cookies. I could see them out of the corner of my eye, looking for an opening. I glanced up frequently from my computer, curious as to what they would do but also keeping an eye on my 14-month-old.

They knew full well that I was watching them. They also knew full well that I wasn’t their mother.

Sure enough after a few minutes I noticed that the two were no longer hovering over those coveted cookies. They had disappeared into the play structure along with the coveted box.

Yes, I was irritated. Not just because I couldn’t have my cookies (heck, I could always just go and buy some for us – that wasn’t a big deal), but because I told them not to pick them up and they snuck around and defiantly took them anyway.

I sat there thinking about what to do while the kids watched from within the structure to see if I noticed.  My former childcare worker/preschool teacher self was coming out and I wanted to set these kids straight. However I also knew that I have no business disciplining someone else’s kids at McDonalds. (By the way I was the only parent in the play area – these kids were plenty old enough to play unsupervised and their parents were nowhere to be seen.)

After several minutes of deliberations, I decided to give them a short “pep talk” and maybe lay on a little healthy guilt.

As I walked toward the structure I could hear alarmed whispers, frantic shuffles, and crinkling cellophane.

I peered around the corner and they looked at me with wide-eyes, no doubt wondering what their fate was.

“I know you guys took those cookies”, I said in a calm, respectful tone. “Didn’t I tell you when you first came in that they didn’t belong to you? And then you snuck around and took them anyway when I wasn’t looking. I know I’m not your mom, but I’m still an adult and you should know better than sneaking around like that to do something you know you shouldn’t. Anyway, I just think that next time you should think about it a little more before you sneak around taking other peoples stuff.”

Then I went back to my place on the floor and left it at that.

I found this hard because: 1) I had no authority to discipline these kids (just as I wouldn’t want a stranger disciplining mine); 2) I believed these kids were old enough to make good decisions and the fact that they were sneaking around just proved that to me; 3) My parent/teacher instincts wanted to help them learn self control and integrity; 4) Let’s face it, I had already mentally staked a claim to those forgotten cookies.

Dear friends, what do you think? Was I sticking my nose where it didn’t belong? Would you have spoken to these kids initially about the cookies? Or again after they took them? Would you have left it as-is? Maybe you would have just eaten the cookies in the first place, or left them for the next person without noticing or caring. And what do you think in general – should you call out kids when they blatantly misbehave if their parents aren’t there to do it themselves? Or should you just ignore it as long as it doesn’t effect your own child? I generally think it’s not my business unless it is harming another child or affecting mine in a way I don’t approve of… but this little scenario just pushed a button since they so defiantly and sneakily disregarded my straight-forward instruction (which I felt was a completely reasonable instruction in the first place). What do you think?? Feel free to agree or disagree with me, as long as you do it respectfully. :)

still cookie-less and kinda sad about it,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission

after the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up

The storm—I mean tantrum—has ceased. The calm has returned. Now... what to do?

Here are some key do's and don'ts in following-up a toddler meltdown:

1.     DO give affirmation for a change of behavior and reinforce your expectations. Example: “Thank you for settling down Levi. I can hear you much better now that you are calm.”

2.     DO give your child validation. Help him identify/name his emotions, but make it clear that it’s not an excuse for poor behavior: “I know you were frustrated because the puzzle is hard, but it’s not okay to throw the pieces. How about mommy helps you next time?” Or “I know you felt angry, but hitting is not okay. It hurts mommy when you hit me.” (Sometimes this is also possible to do during a mild or medium tantrum if they haven’t reached full meltdown yet.)

3.     DON’T hesitate to ask for forgiveness. If you lost your cool and reacted inappropriately, tell your child what you did wrong and ask her for forgiveness. Even if she doesn’t fully understand what you are doing, she will eventually. (This process is just as important for you as it is for your child.) Example: “Mommy should not have yelled at you. That was unkind. I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me?” Then make yourself accountable and share what happened with another adult – tell your husband/partner or mom or friend what you did and ask for their help as you commit to responding better next time. (If reacting inappropriately is a recurring problem, then you should seek the advice of a professional.)

4.     DON’T take it personally. Your young child’s misbehaving should not be taken personally. He doesn't love you any less and, although it sometimes feels like it, he doesn't actually mean to make you feel disrespected when he throws fits.

5.     DON’T hold it against your child. Remember that she is constantly learning new skills and new ways to cope with her changing body, emotions, and surroundings. She is not “bad” or “unruly” or “difficult", she just need lots of practice.

6.     DON’T feel like you’ve failed when it happens again. Even if you do everything “right” in responding to your child’s tantrum, it doesn’t mean it will be his last one. Don’t be discouraged when you have to face the same scenario a second time. And a third. And a twelfth.

7.     DON’T compare your child to other children. Sure, the child down the street always seems to behave perfectly, but don’t underestimate her potential when behind closed doors! Kids are kids and they all need to learn how to manage their emotions and their growing sense of independence. (Keep in mind also that different temperaments can also contribute to more or less tantrums. Again, not a bad thing but something to keep in mind when you need more patience with your own child!)

8.     DON’T get sucked into feelings of false guilt. It’s tempting to think things like, “If I were a better mom my child would be better behaved.” But the reality is that even the best of parents have children that sometimes misbehave. Learning good behavior is a process, it is not inborn within our sweet little cherubs!

9.     DO take heart that your consistency will eventually pay off. When you are in the heat of the moment (and perhaps have had a long or tiring day yourself) it can be easy to think that you’ll never be able to cope with another tantrum. (I've been there!) But you will. And not only will you be able to cope, you will get to the place where your child eventually learns to both manage his emotions and hold himself together behaviorally.

This post is part of a four part series:

1.  The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

2.  Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits

3.  In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums

4.  The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

Dear friends, I hope this series on tackling toddler tantrums been helpful. Have you learned anything new or is there anything you'd like to add to the overall subject? Or how about specifically in regards to the follow-up process?

growing into motherhood one day at a time,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011 
do not reproduce without written permission

in the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums

We try to avoid. We try to avert. We try to redirect. But sometimes… the storm just hits anyway. Toddler tantrums can be a doozy. Here are seven ways of surviving a meltdown:

1.     Distract. The art of distraction is the secret weapon that all parents quickly learn is worth honing and perfecting! If your child is right on the verge of a tantrum but hasn’t quite crossed over yet (or maybe even in the beginning stages of one) a swift swoop to pick her up and give her a change of scenery is invaluable. Head to the window, turn on some music, pretend to be looking for something under the couch, or open the fridge and ask for help finding the apples. Use your imagination and send her tantrum back where it came from.

2.     Ignore. Many tantrums escalate when you “entertain” them and diffuse when you ignore them. If your child is getting physical (throwing his head back, arching his back, hitting, kicking, or pushing away from you) then put him down on the floor in a safe place and either walk away or simply turn your back until he settles down. Levi went through several weeks of this and I would leave the room saying, “I’ll be in the kitchen (or living room, etc.). Come join me when you settle down.” No exaggeration, he would come chattering away down the hall as happy as a clam one or two minutes later with no recollection of what his fit was about. Since that period, he’s rarely had the same type/severity of tantrums again. (I realize there is no guarantee that they won't recur with that same type of fury, but I do believe it shows he's learning!)

3.     Restrain. I’m told that if you find that putting your child on the floor to carry on while you walk away doesn’t work, then you can try restraining her. Gently but firmly place your arms around her or your hands on her shoulders. Quietly and calmly speak reassuring words into her ears until she settles down. (I’ve not used this method myself, but again, you have to find what works best for your child.)

4.     Refrain. You are the adult… so be mature and refrain from “tantruming” back. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to whine back at Levi or to match his fit with one of my own… but we need to remember who the adult is and act like it! Stay calm, keep your volume level, maintain a kind, respectful and firm tone, and always remain in control of your emotions. Never react with violence or anger and remember that you’re modeling to your child the way you’d like him to eventually respond to difficulty or conflict.

5.     Reason. If a child is already in full tantrum mode, remember that she has lost the ability to listen to reason. This is normal. Don’t become frustrated that she won’t listen to an instruction that she would normally respond well to. Leave your reasoning to before and after tantrums, not during. (This can help minimize your own frustration as well!)

6.     Remove. If a child reaches a full meltdown in public, resist the urge to coax them to behave (by giving a toy/treat/etc), and instead remove him to a more private/appropriate place (such as your car or a mothers room) and deal with the tantrum immediately. Your groceries can wait. This is the most loving thing you can do for your child as well as the most considerate thing you can do for other customers. Although it is not a “quick fix” (like giving in to his demand or shoving a cookie into his mouth), no doubt it will serve you much better in the long run.

7.     Breathe. It’s so important to know your own limits so that you don’t end up doing something you’ll regret later. When you get really frustrated, take a deep breath, make sure your child is in a safe, age-appropriate place (such as her crib/playpen or her room if it's completely child-proofed), and then go sit on your front steps for a few minutes, take a walk around the yard or to your mailbox, have a brief shower, get a drink of water, or call someone for a quick word of reassurance or encouragement. Breathe deeply, concentrate on getting your heart rate down, and then go back and attend to your child as needed. (Although it's normal to experience this from time-to-time, if this is a reoccurring problem then you should definitely consider seeking professional help.)

This post is part of a four part series:

1.  The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

2.  Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits

3.  In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums

4.  The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

Dear friends, I hope these tips have been helpful. I’m certainly still in the thick of tantrum territory and, no doubt, still have much to learn. Do you have anything to add to the coping methods above?? I’d love to hear your experience and suggestions!

perfecting my own art of distraction,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011 
do not reproduce without written permission

preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits

Tantrums and toddlerhood go together like sunscreen and sand... creating one frustrating, sticky mess. And although they are a normal part of your child’s development as he learns independence, it doesn’t mean they are easy to deal with. Tantrums can cause even a grown woman to overheat, blow steam from her nostrils, or be reduced to tears.

Navigating through the storm of toddler tantrums is certainly not one of the glamorous aspects of motherhood, but it is a necessary one.

As challenging as it is, I’m learning that tantrums don’t have to rule the roost. Here are some ways to avert toddler tantrums before they form into full scale disasters:

1.     Know and respect your child’s threshold, personality, and temperament. Some children are able to cope with more stimulation and activity than others. For example, if you have a very shy child and have already been to a playgroup in the morning, it’s probably best not to also attempt swimming lessons in the afternoon. If your toddler is easily over-stimulated, limit your errands to a few hours and then wind down with a quieter activity like a walk around the neighborhood. Keeping your child's personality and temperament in mind is not only a way to give them the respect they deserve, but it also aides in avoiding unnecessary melt-downs.

2.     Give warning of what’s ahead. Most adults don’t appreciate being interrupted, so why does it surprise us when our kids react poorly to our demands, especially when they are immersed in something they are enjoying? When possible, give a simple warning of what’s ahead. Example: “It’s almost nap time. Two more minutes and then we will pick up the toys and go read a story.” (Obviously this becomes more and more effective the older a toddler is.)

3.     Be preemptive. If you know that your toddler will want to grab at things in the grocery store, give her a snack or a special toy before her behavior goes awry, not in the midst of your battle. Also, when you can, time your outings to not interfere with meal times and naptimes. (Even adults have much less threshold for frustrations when we are tired or hungry!)

4.     Give your child choices, but not so many that it overwhelms them. Giving your child a choice helps foster his sense of independence, while allowing you to still maintain boundaries around his options. Example: “We have to get some groceries and go to the post office. Would you like to go to the grocery store first or the post office?”

5.     Use independence to your advantage. Example: “Your diaper needs to be changed now. Let’s go to your room. Would you like to walk there yourself like a big girl or shall I pick you up and carry you?”

6.     Make sure your child knows the ground rules. This one goes for older toddlers a little bit more than younger ones, but even very young toddlers understand much more than we often think they do. As they’re able to understand, communicate your expectations with them as you go out or go someplace new. Example: “We’re going to the toy store to get special present for Jack’s birthday, but we aren’t getting any new toys for you today. Would you like to help pick out Jack's present?” Or “We’re going to the library today. Do you remember what voice we use in the library? We use our best quiet voice! When you use your best quiet voice mommy will let you pick out some new stories to read.”

7.     Affirm good behavior on a regular basis. Instead of saying “good boy” or “good girl” when your child is well-behaved or obedient (which inadvertently makes them believe that being “good” is only a behavioral issue and is based on your approval), say things like: "good sharing" or “good listening” or “you made a good choice” or “thank you for being obedient/following instructions/etc”. (Side note: although I understand what people are intending, I hate being asked the question, “Is he a good baby/boy?” as I believe all children are “good”. It’s my belief that we need to separate the behavior from the intrinsic value of the individual and change our language accordingly!)

This post is part of a four part series:

1.  The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

2.  Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits

3.  In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums 

4.  The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

Dear friends, have any of these aversion techniques worked for you? Do you have any that I’ve not yet tried or considered? Please share your experiences! Next we will talk about coping with tantrums when they come and then how to follow them up when they pass...

storm dodging as best i can,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
 do not reproduce without written permission

the nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

Tackling Toddler Tantrums

I started out with the intention of writing one post about dealing with toddler tantrums. Then it turned into a two-part post because I realized my “intro” story about Levi's first mall tantrum was long enough to be a post of it’s own and that separating the “tips” into another post would work much better. 

Then I started editing and shaping up my “tips” notes and realized that I had way more to say on the subject than I originally thought. So, in order to keep things more digestible for the average blog reader, over the next few days you’ll be seeing the rest of this “accidental” series in four separate posts:

1. The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums
2. Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits
3. In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums 
4. The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

Although I’m no parenting expert, I do have a passion for healthy families and I’m gaining more and more understanding all the time. I hope that some of what I’ve learned (and am learning) will be helpful for other moms too.

The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

1.     Tantrums are a normal part of the development process as children learn that they are separate beings from their mamas/parents. They are part of a necessary struggle which helps children to learn emotional coping mechanisms, cultural and family norms, and healthy independence. For most children the onset will occur anywhere from between 9-10 months to two years old. It is considered “normal” for them to reoccur through the toddler and preschool years, but generally cease somewhere between the ages of 4-5 years old. (Remember, these are generalizations.)

2.     Children will not train themselves. As parents we must teach them what is acceptable behavior and what is not. We must also teach them how to cope with difficulties and differences of opinion, as well as how to recognize and manage their emotions.

3.     There is a difference between discipline and punishment. Punishment is a negative consequence for something done that is wrong. Discipline involves teaching, guiding, coaching, and shaping, as well as various forms of positive and negative consequences. Additionally, discipline comes before, during, and after a behavior, whereas punishment only happens after. Discipline is both proactive and responsive whereas punishment is merely reactive.

4.     Tantrums seek results. If your child gets stickers, food, or coddling as a result of his tantrum (bribing him to settle down) then he will throw one whenever he is seeking those types of rewards. If, however, a tantrum gets him very little amounts of attention or even privileges taken away, then he will quickly realize that tantrums won’t get him the results he seeks.

5.     Illness, growth spurts and developmental leaps, teething, and tiredness all escalate your child’s tendency to melt into a tantrum. We still need to help our little ones learn to cope with their emotions when they are feeling “under the weather”. But when they are functioning below their normal capacity it's fair and loving to try and understand where they are coming from, give a little extra grace and help, and try even harder to avoid things you already know are trigger points for your child. 

6.     Consistency in discipline is key. It’s unfair to your child if you discipline one way at home and one way in public – she will never learn what you expect of her nor what she should expect from you. This not only decreases your effectiveness but also undermines your child’s trust. Some make the argument that you don’t want to embarrass your child in public, but I would argue back that you should be as respectful to your child at home when no one is watching as you would in a crowded mall when you are under public scrutiny. Be consistent not only in how you discipline, but in giving your child the respect she deserves.

7.     Let your yes be yes and your no be no… and make sure your husband/partner is on the same page. Children get confused when parents waiver back and forth with different standards and decisions. If you say no, stick with it and make sure to communicate with your partner so that they are not unintentionally undermining your authority. Follow-through in parenting, as well as communication, cooperation, and respect between both parents, are crucial elements for a child to maintain a sense of long-term stability and trust.

8.     Don’t make flippant promises or refusals. Some parents are quick to say “yes” while others are quick to say “no”. When said carelessly both can be detrimental and give fuel to tantrums that could have been avoided. Be aware of your tendency and if your child is pressing you and you’re unsure, tell him you’ll have to think about it. (This one is more applicable to children 2 years or older.)

9.     Remember that your child is an individual and is developing all the time. As helpful as it is to hear from and observe other parents and how they deal with discipline issues, you’ve got to work out what works and doesn’t work for your own child, and what fits within your family value system. (And I imagine this also goes for having more than one child in the home – a home needs consistent standards, but parents also need to take into consideration individual capacities and comprehension levels for each of the children.)

10.  Count the cost for the precedent you will set. Dealing with tantrums is hard work. It’s emotionally and mentally exhausting, and can be physically draining as well. But the work you put into teaching and training your child as they navigate through toddlerhood tantrum territory is nothing compared to the disservice to your child of raising him to think that he can get what he wants by disregarding others and pursuing any means necessary to satisfy his urges and desires.

11.  Be prepared for some trial and error. Sometimes you just need to experiment with different techniques to see how to best discipline your child when she throws tantrums. Since every child is unique, some things will work better than others. This is a learning process for you as much as it is for your child.

12. Choose your battles. Determine what is worth a power-struggle over and what is not. Your toddler will test you on this and that's ok. Stick to your guns if it's a non-negotiable, but don't step onto the battle field unless you really think the outcome/big picture is worth it. Only you as a parent can determine which specific battles are really worth fighting with your child. (The exception, of course, is when your child is bringing harm to another child/individual. Then it is not just your choice, but your responsibility to intervene.)

Dear friends, over the next several days I will also be talking about ways to help prevent tantrums, what to do in the midst of tantrums, and how to follow-up with your child after a tantrum. I hope that these initial tips are a helpful starting place for other parents too. What principles have you learned when it comes to the nature of tantrums?

still learning but committed to parenting well,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission

do you know about the magic?

Change of plans.

Yesterday I promised that today would be part two of my Tackling Tantrums series… but then I read Kelle Hampton’s post this morning about World Down Syndrome Day and knew that a slight detour was in order.

Tantrums will just have to wait. Until tomorrow.

I started following Kelle’s journey soon after I started blogging last May, which also happened to be soon after I became a mother.

Kelle and I are similar in age. Our babies (her Nella and my Levi) are also very close in age. She lives in Florida. I live in Australia. She wears red cowboy boots. I wear black flip-flops. Perhaps beyond being close in age and both being mothers we don’t have much in common at a glance… and yet as many of her readers would probably attest to, I feel close to this woman who dares to bare her heart on a page and share her treasured family with the world.

Through reading her posts and pouring over her delicious photos I’ve been able to absorb some of her life experience… and it’s truly made me a better person. And when I say better, I mean more aware, more open, more empathetic, and more willing to do my best to try and look at life—and the small things—from a different perspective.

This woman inspires me.

But it’s her little girls who have captured me.

Nella, the youngest of the two, is one of the special ones with the “magic chromosome.” Nella has Down Syndrome... And I have fallen in love with her.

{image by kelle hampton}

Before reading Kelle’s blog, I hadn’t thought much about Down Syndrome. I also hadn’t thought much about the possibility of one of my children being born with Down Syndrome… or any disease for that matter.

Any mother knows that it’s a possibility, but like most, when those thoughts would drift into my mind from time to time I was always quick to dismiss them and be deliberate about “thinking positive.”

But I’ve redefined what it means to “think positive” in this case.

Thinking positive in this context is remembering that any child, no matter how many chromosomes they are born with (or other difficulties for that matter), is still a beautiful and precious individual so worthy of loving and cherishing, honoring and admiring.

This line of thinking isn’t exactly new for me. I’ve always believed that life is sacred and precious... and that it’s easiest to see within the purity of children. But it has forced me to think about this truth within the stark reality of hearing those dreaded words: “I'm sorry, but your child has… fillintheblankhere.”

I write this as a pregnant woman fully aware that the child I carry within me is yet to be known. But this child that I still know so little about is already deeply loved. No matter how the labor and delivery goes, no matter what gender s/he turns out to be, no matter her personality or wit or capacity to comprehend, no matter which side of the family he comes out looking like, no matter her abilities, no matter his strengths or her weaknesses, and no matter the number of chromosomes.

I would not be one of the 92% of women who abort when they discover they are carrying a child with the “magic chromosome”… but I am also not the woman to judge that woman. We all carry our own difficulties, our own fears, our own insecurities, our own worldviews. But today, on World Down Syndrome Day, I want to leave you with some of Kelle’s words, because I cannot say it better:

“Mostly, the parent of a child with Down syndrome—or autism or Turner’s syndrome or Prader Willi syndrome or, for that matter, no syndrome at all—wants the world to accept their child. To love them, praise them, high five them on the soccer field, compliment their awesome sneakers, invite them to birthday parties, ask them questions and really listen when they reply, pick them for playdates, help them when they’re struggling, teach them when they need it and recognize all the good they have to give the world.”

{image by kelle hampton}

Kelle urges us, not just as mothers, but as individuals who carry the ability to influence in the everyday, to “Pay attention to the person, the child, the soul—not the wheelchair, the chromosome, the difference. Allow yourself to be astonished—to learn something new from someone, to be inspired, to laugh, to enjoy a moment. And then pass it on. Spread your awareness message by the way you live, the way you speak and the way you treat people.”

Dear friends, this is just my one little way to bring light to an issue that touches millions of people the world over. I desperately want to be the kind of mother who teaches my children how to love and accept others through both my instruction and—more importantly—my example. How will you use your ability to influence in the every day to make someone’s life just a little bit better today? How well are you paying attention to the person??

inspired by the magic,

p.s. World Down Syndrome Day is March 21... but this was posted on the 22nd in Australia. Oh time change, you still sometimes confuse me!

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission

tackling toddler tantrums (kicking off the series)

This weekend we had our first “mall tantrum”. It wasn’t as epic as most I’ve seen. In fact, it was a strange and hilarious combination of mild protesting and theatrical maneuvers. But it was a public tantrum nonetheless.

Both Ryan and I had to muster every ounce of self-control to keep from laughing.

Having no idea about the mall’s opening hours on a Sunday, we arrived a good 45+ minutes before shops opened. Instead of leaving and coming back we decided to take the opportunity to do a loop around the sparsely populated mall and let Levi roam free, stopping to touch and check out and touch every interesting mirror, door, plant, and who-knows-what that caught his eye. It was nice to not have to rush through errands like we normally do and fun to watch his curiosity lead him from one shop window to another.

But soon more and more people trickled in, the shops started to open, and coffee and cinnamon donuts began to call this expecting mama by name. As fun as it had been, I decided we were done “roaming aimlessly” and that I would pick up Levi and carry him for the rest of the short walk to our destination.

As I tried to pick him up, Levi immediately did the backwards swan dive in protest. When he does this I routinely put him on the floor and walk away. Mommy’s not going to entertain a tantrum, whether it’s at home or surrounded by onlookers.

{since i have no photos of levi mid-tantrum, i thought i'd show you him totally relaxed instead.}

As soon as I put him on the floor, he began what looked like a synchronized swimming routine in slow motion. He rolled onto his tummy, stretched his arms and legs out, rolled onto his back and then his tummy again, did the cobra position, transitioned into the downward dog, and then looked over to where Ryan and I were standing so he could see our reaction.

It was at this point we were desperately trying to hold it together… it was outrageously funny. (I admit that it did help that the mall was still fairly quiet and only a few people actually witnessed the little scene.)

He saw that we were not impressed or reacting and then sat up clearly disappointed and defeated. It was at this point where I walked back over to him, asked him if he’d like to try again, and picked him up without a struggle to walk the rest of the way. Of course he was happy and carefree – not at all affected by the mini-drama that had unfolded just moments before.

But here’s the key: As much as Levi walks away from a tanty having virtually forgotten what just happened, I’m also learning not to let them dictate the rest of my day either.

When he first started throwing fits, I felt helpless and clueless and outright discouraged. Having worked in childcare for years I’ve had the opportunity to deal with tantrums in toddlers and preschoolers before… but our little guy started exerting his independence at eight months old. Yes, we’re talking throwing himself at my feet and rolling around screaming on the floor – all-out tantrums beginning at a mere eight months! I was beside myself with shock and surprise to see this happening so early.

But now, with a few months under my belt, I’m feeling much more at ease addressing this part of the development process. It’s all a part of growing-up – both Levi as a little toddler and me as a confident mother.

Granted, this little mall tanty was a mild one—and we’ve had many occasions of dealing with much worse ones in this house—but I do feel like I’m understanding more and more how to best handle these suckers when they arrive. I’m no expert, and there are many more moms out there who are far more experienced than I am, but I want to share some of what I’ve learned so far…

So..... come back tomorrow for my tips and tricks for dealing with toddler meltdowns!! (Otherwise this post would just get far too long!)

Dear friends, the experts say that throwing tantrums is a normal part of the development phase as babies and toddlers learn to exert their independence. For some it really kicks in around two or three years old, for others around a year old, and still for others even earlier than that. When did your child start with his/her first tantrums? And was it a phase that lasted long?


learning to stay calm, firm, and patient,

See also:

1. The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums
2. Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits 
3. In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums 
4. The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

linking in with chelsea for the "green" challenge:

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
do not reproduce without written permission