let's talk about sex, baby

By Morgan, author of The Little Hen House

I love getting together with my mommy friends. I think they are the sole reason that being a Stay at Home Mom has not driven me to the loony bin (yet!). We get together about once a week, let the kids run amuck, and get a chance to have actual adult conversation.

Of all the things we talk about, sex is NEVER a topic. It’s interesting. I can tell you exactly how many stitches my best friend had after her second baby, and I have held my other friend’s breast while she tried to get her baby to latch properly, but I can’t tell you when the last time we honestly talked about sex.

Occasionally, usually in a one on one conversation, a girlfriend will open up to me about her sex life. Anyone who knows me knows that I will pretty much talk about anything, so I’m always down for a good sex talk. Here’s what I have learned: Most of us really don’t feel like doing it a whole lot. And by a whole lot, I mean pretty much almost never.

Here’s the part where I have to ask you to refrain from telling me about how you can’t get enough of your husband and you practically attack him the second he walks in the door. Good for you. And him.

What I’m saying is- most of us don’t have the same sex drive that we did before we became mothers. Don’t worry. It’s totally normal. The best thing we can do is share our experiences and try to help one another. So.....

Here is what I think affects libido after childbirth:

1. Breastfeeding- your estrogen levels are very low. It's like your body is in menopause. Even the act of just holding a baby makes your hormones drop. It's nature’s little way of ensuring their survival by making sure that you won't do anything that will make a sibling for them any time soon. :) 

2. Lack of sleep. Sleep trumps sex. Period.

3. Post baby body. Even if you have returned to your pre-baby size, you may feel differently about your body- especially if you are nursing or had a difficult delivery. 

4. How involved/helpful your partner is. I tell my husband that doing the dishes counts as foreplay. Husbands need to step up and act like supportive partners. I've had it with man-children. Mothers don't feel like having sex with a partner who acts like a child. They feel like putting them in the corner for a time out. 

5. Where your baby sleeps. It's hard to have sexy time when you have the baby in the bed. 

6. How consumed you are with motherhood. Take time for yourself. Work on a non-child related hobby. Have a glass of wine with your girlfriends. Re-connect with your pre-mommy self. You were a person before you had children. And that person felt like having sex. Get to know her again. 

7. Date night. I know it's cliché, but it's SO important to get away with your spouse once in a while. Enjoy a great meal, have a glass of wine (or two!). I find that Friday nights are great for us. It allows us to reconnect after a long week and gear up for the weekend. 

8. Baby blues/postpartum depression. Enough said. 

9. Fake it till you make it. Sometimes you just have to make yourself do it. You will be glad afterwards. So will your husband. :) 

10. Finally, you may never feel like jumping your partner’s bones like you used to. That's ok. Having children changes everything about a relationship. You are both parents now and you need to re-discover each other in a completely new way. It's really, really hard and everyone goes through this struggle. It will take time, but you will get in your groove again. 

I’m no expert and I’m certainly not a doctor. If you think something is medically wrong with you, then I suggest you discuss it with a professional. I can only give you my advice, which is based on my own personal experience.

Having two babies in just over two years did quite a number on my sex life. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying really hard to get back in the game and I know you can too. 

Bio: Morgan is a Stay at Home Mom to Emma and Annie. In between eating Bon Bons and watching soaps, she writes about life, the adventures of motherhood, and the challenges of raising her two little chicks. You can read more of her at The Little Hen House.

Dear friends, do you have anything that you've learned and would like to share about post-partum libido? Just keep it at PG13 please... {smile}

opening up the conversation,

Have you registered your blog here yet?

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
do not reproduce without written permission

birth is holy, treat is as such | a letter to my pregnant self

Dear Adriel,

You are becoming a mom. Finally, after 32 long years your dream is coming true! And guess what? It’s going to be even better than you imagined.

I know that right now it seems like pregnancy will never end… but enjoy these last days. Soon—when he’s not all tucked up safely inside of you—you will have to share that precious boy with the world.

Don’t stress about him coming too early or too late. I know you’re concerned about your parents flying in from overseas and being there for Levi’s big debut… But your clever little one will actually be one of the few babies that decide to come on his due date. Isn’t that fun?

{What you couldn’t have known then.}

As his birthday approaches, I want to tell you a few things that I’ve learned since then. I hope you’re taking notes, because this stuff is good.

First of all, I know you’ve heard it a thousand times… but seriously, hear it one more time: life is about to drastically change. Don’t worry, you’ve prepared as best as you possibly can. But just know that you can’t fully prepare for the best parts of life… like this one.

{You were made to give birth.}

The day of Levi’s birth is going to be so incredible. It will be hard work, but you will sail through it. You are much tougher than you sometimes give yourself credit for. In fact, most all women are. You were made to bear children… and soon you will get to see that in reality. You have nothing to fear, nothing to be anxious for.

{There will be a change of plans.}

I’m sorry to break it to you, but Levi’s birth will not be un-medicated, or in the birthing pool, or most of the ways you’re imagining it right now. You know that little inkling that he might be breech and you could possibly end up having a C-Section? Well, let’s just call that a mother’s intuition, because…you’re right.

Of course you won’t discover this until twelve hours into labor, but don’t be afraid. You’ll handle it beautifully, with grace and confidence. God knows that you can handle it; He’s promised to never let you go through anything you can’t handle, remember?

{Remember to look beyond yourself.}

In those moments when you’re first told the news, remember to tell your midwife that you love her and you’re not mad at her for misinterpreting Levi’s position correctly in time to move him. She will be feeling incredible disappointment and failure in that moment… and she, too, will need some reassurance and encouragement.

She’ll later tell you how much your sweet attitude and response meant to her. Because as much as everyone tells you this day is about you and your sweet boy, the reality is that many others around you will also be effected by this miracle of life and how you bring your son into the world. Birth is holy, treat is as such.

{first night together... a few hours old.}

{Prepare to behold glory.}

The surgery itself will go quickly and smoothly and the doctors and their teams will do just as great as your midwife would have done. It will be different, but no less amazing. They’ll take wonderful care of you.

More importantly, be prepared to meet the most gorgeous being you’ve ever laid eyes on. (And on that note, no need to worry about your baby being cute or not… He is seriously as cute as they come... everyone says so.) 

{a few hours old.}

You will look at his face and finally know:

This is what glory looks like.

{one day old and still in the hospital.}

And even though you won’t get to hold him straight away like you had always envisioned, when you do finally hold him any of the disappointment from the change of plans will feel small and petty as it melts away in the wonder of that moment.

{Be anxious about nothing.}

And about breastfeeding... Yes, you’ve heard all the horror stories and you’re prepared for the worst. Your willingness to try as hard as you can and your commitment to persevere through those first few difficult weeks as you try everything in your power to make it work is noble and wonderful...

But guess what?

You are one of the lucky ones who finds breastfeeding a breeze. So let’s just forget those worries now. No need for them. During those first moments of holding your dear son on your chest, he will easily find his way and begin nursing naturally. It will be as if you’ve always been together.

The ease of breastfeeding will be grace to you amidst the mixed emotions that come with your unplanned surgery. Enjoy it and give thanks for it.

{Let yourself be taken care of.}

Now about going home... You’re going to need to stay in the hospital for five days due to a mild infection. As much as this doesn’t sound ideal to you right now, please know that it is. We all know your inclination to try and be superwoman, but this is not the time. You really do need to take it easy and let others take care of you. Being in the hospital will gently force this upon you. This, too, is grace to you. Embrace it and enjoy being served. Receive.

You do need to be warned, however, that in Australia husbands aren’t allowed to stay overnight with you in the hospital. I know this is different to home, and it is understandably hard, but you can handle this. During those five long nights you will enjoy some precious moments with your son, just the two of you. Do you best to look on the bright side. Your homecoming day will come soon.


{Don’t stress about your recovery.}

You know what they say about recovering from a C-Section, and so it’s no surprise that you will be frustrated by the prospect. But this is another area that’s not as bad as you might have been led to believe. Within a few days of being home you’ll be ready for some short day trips, and by week three you’ll be able to drive again. Yes, there’s some lingering pain and you have to be careful, but you most certainly won’t be an invalid and you won’t even be housebound… so let’s just dispel that fear right now so that you can enjoy the afterglow of your son’s birth.

{Love: madly, deeply.}

Be prepared to love like you’ve never loved before. You are going to have moments where you’re singing to that little boy, or even just looking at him from across the room while someone else takes a turn holding him… and it will feel as if your heart will explode with a deeper love than you’ve ever experienced.

You’ll begin to understand the love of God in a deeper way, you’ll fall in love with your husband in a more profound way, and of course you’ll love your little boy enough to honestly want to give your life for him if need be.

It’s a fierce, strong, solid love that’s decorated with sweetness and laughter and more kisses-on-the-toes than you ever dreamed possible. It's a love that will drive you to miss him when he's tucked up safely sleeping. A love that cause you to gaze at his photo when you can't look at his face before you. A love that feels eternal and timeless and extravagant and pure. A love that begins to define you anew.

{You will step onto a roller coaster.}

But along with those highs there will be things that stretch you at the core of who you are as a woman. Insecurities will be revealed that you don’t even realize are lurking under the surface of your smile. There will be moments when fears that are new and foreign to you will seem to come out of nowhere and corner you in the dark.

You need to know that you can handle all of it. You are as ready as you’ll ever be. With the help of your husband and God and the loved ones around you, you will learn to ask for help, you will learn humility, you will learn patience, and you will learn to trust yourself more than you ever have yet.

{Having a child will grow you.}

As magical as it is, being a new parent is difficult. There will be times when you don’t know what to do and times where you second guess yourself. In those moments you need to try and remember that you’re the mom… you really do know what’s best, even if your emotions are telling you otherwise. You might sometimes feel like you’re grasping at straws, but the good news is that you and your son and your family will all learn and grow together.

I also want to warn you about the times when you’ll want more than anything to trade jobs with your husband. There will be days when you want to call in sick… or at least take a lunch break or sign off at 5:00pm. Those days are especially difficult because the reality is that you simply can’t.

But the sooner you figure out how to get some time for yourself to refresh and recharge, the better you’ll be able to handle those days. You’ll work it out. Just be deliberate. And in the meantime, know that having those days and those thoughts doesn’t make you a bad mom.

{You are the expert.}

And lastly, I can’t emphasize this enough… Every child is different just as every mom is different. Trust yourself. Go with your gut. Listen to your intuition. If something doesn’t work, just try something else. There are no “rules” that you have to go by.

Parenting is—and should be—fluid and organic. One lesson learned will flow into the next. Listen to the advice from others, read the books and websites that you need to, but when it all boils down, remember that you’re the mom and you know what’s best.

{Wash your brain in this truth.}

You’re a great mom. You’re a great mom. You’re a great mom. This needs to be your new mantra.

Make sure that you don’t try to be perfect or you’ll make yourself feel miserable in your failed expectations. But do remember that perfect has nothing to do with great.

Sear it into your mind… carve it into your heart… write in on your hand… post-it note it around the house if you need to: You’re a great mom.

Love,

me xx

Dear friends, if you could deliver a letter to your pregnant self, what would it say?

love,

| Originally published on Ingenue Mom on September 3, 2010 as a guest post. |



adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
do not reproduce without written permission

a letter to my pregnant self {at ingenue mom's place}

I'm so excited to be doing my first ever guest post today! And, not only is it my first guest post... it's on the blog of my first (of many) bloggy-friend-turned-real-life-friend: Cameron from Ingenue Mom.

The post is called A Letter to My Pregnant Self... I hope you will click over to Ingenue Mom and read it - I kinda poured my heart out in this one. 

Also, while you're there, please check out Cameron's digs - you'll be glad you did! Among other things she writes about being a mom to baby Isis, blog tips, breastfeeding, organic foods, sleep training, cloth diapering, and of course Twilight every now and then. You'll definitely want to add her to your reader.

And, just because, here are a few photos of my (little) man and I. I took these on a whim today when I realized we were a little matchy matchy. (And no, I didn't plan that, thankyouverymuch.) Levi was far more interested in eating the camera than looking into it or smiling for it. But hey, babies... They're so freaking cute regardless... 'specially mine.

It was obviously a spontaneous photo shoot... or else I would have cleaned my mirror, made the bed, and moved the laundry basket that's sitting on my dresser. But hey, just a little glimpse into my world today. We like it here.

Dear mommy-friends, my hubs has been away for nearly two weeks and I've been single-parenting it (except for the brief hiatus last weekend when we went camping and it ended up raining). But yeah, totally on my own with my munchkin. (Hard! Tiring! Different!) For that reason I've not been around the memos (or other blogs) quite as much lately, but I'm okay with that. I've been busy taking care of my boy and helping him through his latest growth spurt and tooth appearance (and completely crashing out during his naps because I'm exhausted!). The great news is... Ryan comes home in the morning... it's Fathers Day on Sunday in Australia... AND I'm staring to make plans for our first white Christmas at home in America in FIVE years. (Oh, glory!) December can't come soon enough. What's happening in your world today? What's a must-read post you've written this week? I'd love to stop by for a visit.

hoping you'll visit cameron's place,

Have you registered your blog here yet?

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
do not reproduce without written permission

hey you, pregnant lady! these tips and tricks are for you. (part 1 of 2)

Never-ever would I say, “hey you, pregnant lady!” in real life… but it did get your attention, didn’t it? Now before I go further, let me say congratulations on your pregnancy! What a wonderful time it is.

I was recently asked to write about things I’d tell a first-time-mama-to-be and—since I love this subject—I am thrilled to do so.

A few things you should know about me going into this: I love being a mom. I loved becoming a mom. I was one of those ladies that absolutely loved being pregnant. From my perspective, it’s such a special time with your baby… before you have to share him with the rest of the world.

Being pregnant, giving birth, and having a newborn is a big deal. Here is some of what I learned in the process:

1. Get educated about giving birth.

Explore your options for giving birth, listen to birth stories, ask moms what they’ve learned (things that helped and things they regret) and ask your doctor or midwife lots of questions. The more you know about birth, the less room there will be for fear. An educated woman is an empowered woman, and birth is no exception.

2. Research parenting philosophies, but remember that you’re the expert.

You will probably naturally be drawn to one end of the spectrum more than the other when it comes to things like sleep training vs. co-sleeping, feeding schedules vs feed-on-demand. But take a look at both camps and then make your own decisions. What works for one family will not be right for the next. Don’t be afraid to do what you feel is “right” and don’t waste time defending your decisions to those who oppose. For every opinion there is an opposite! Remember that there are no rules when it comes to caring for your child in areas like feeding and sleep. Once you decide then be consistent. Children, even babies, learn quickly what to expect and it’s hard on them if you’re all over the place. In saying that, if you’ve been trying something for a while that’s not working, change your approach and find what does.

3. Don’t be presumptuous and don’t judge.

Do yourself a favor and try to not be too presumptuous or too judgmental of what you see other parents doing. You will be surprised in a few months time when you find yourself changing your stance or approach on different things. Remember that parenting is not easy and all you can do is your best. It will change as you learn and grow in the midst of it. Appreciate other parents for their strengths and try to learn from what they do that works, rather than judge them for what you see that you don’t like.

4. Realize that you have expectations that you may not be aware of.

We all have expectations… but some of them lurk under the surface and only appear in our conscious minds when they are not met. This is fine, in fact normal, but just knowing that you’ve probably got some expectations that you can’t articulate will help when you’re faced with the ones that aren’t met. (Knowing is the first step toward processing.)

5. Have a friend rally friends to prepare you dinners post-partum.

Not doing this is a regret of mine. Especially since I had an unplanned c-section, having this kind of support would have been so good for us. Since my husband is a rockstar, he did all the cooking and taking care of the house… but he was exhausted too. In hindsight I wish we had organized some outside help from friends to give both my husband and I some extra support. (And don’t think you’ll be up for asking when the baby comes – do it in advance.)

6. Have your husband ask for extra leave in the event you end up in surgery.

This is another thing that I wish someone had suggested to me in advance. I had planned on having a natural water birth, and then while in labor had to be transferred to surgery for a c-section. I ended up staying in the hospital for five days (husbands aren’t allowed to stay overnight here) and so by the time I was released we only had a week together as a family at home. I wish my husband would have asked in advance for an extra week paternity leave in the event of an unplanned c-section. Not only would the family bonding time have been really wonderful (especially as first-time-parents), but I really could have used the extra help and support physically and emotionally as I recovered from the surgery.

7. Have a plan for your birth and communicate your desires.

Think through your goals and priorities and discuss them with your husband/partner and your medical providers. Don’t assume that in the thick of labor they will be able to read your mind (and don’t assume you’ll be able to communicate clearly then either). Include contingencies. (For example, I wish I had stated that in the event of a c-section, I still wanted to hold my son for a few minutes before they took him off to be weighed and checked. I didn’t get to hold him until about an hour after he was delivered, and medically there was no reason for this.)

8. Be nice. 

Yes, your D-Day is about you and your baby, but don’t forget that you’re not in this alone. Make it a goal to be nice to your husband. Just supporting you is exhausting and emotional, and don’t downplay his role. Appreciate him. Appreciate your support people. Appreciate your doctor, midwife, and the nurses that take care of you. Birth is monumental for everyone, and a little kindness and gratitude will go a long way.

9. Write your birth story as soon as possible. 

Even if it’s unpolished and doesn’t sound pretty, write your birth story as soon as you possibly can. Write the details that you think you’ll never forget… because most likely you will. You can always edit your story later on, but just having some of the play-by-play written out will make it far easier when you do want to make it sound “pretty”.

10. Help your body heal. 

Remember that although giving birth is totally natural and wonderful, it is also a massive strain on your entire being. Be patient, rest when you can, and nurture your body with lots of water and healthy food. Oh, and keep taking your prenatal vitamins, especially if you’re breastfeeding.

11. Let people take care of you, and if they don’t, ask them to. 

No matter if you have an “easy” or a difficult labor and delivery, giving birth is hard work and your body has gone through so much. Take the time you need to recover, and get as much help as you can. You have years to prove yourself as supermom… now is not the time.

TO BE CONTINUED… part 2 of 2.

Dear mommy-friends, please check back tomorrow for the second half of this post!

from one new mama to another,

Have you registered your blog here yet?

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
do not reproduce without written permission

don't sweat it momma... or do?

Delivering a baby is so glamorous. Any mommy can tell you that. And perhaps equally as glamorous are those first few post-partum weeks.

If you’re like me, you imagined those first few weeks filled with outings to the park, the shopping mall, and your favourite coffee shops... with your darling little babe all bundled up in his brand new pram. Everyone would look on at your beautiful bundle of joy with adoration and look at you as if you’d just succeeded in the most noble of human tasks.

I thought that surely their eyes would be nearly overflowing with the overwhelming emotion that came at the mere sight of my gorgeous little babe. They would ask how the delivery went and I would give a short, polite (censored) version of the magical water birth I had, and gush about how wonderful natural birth really is. Yes, I would be a bit tired, my boobs might be a little sore, but I would be glowing and grinning... everything but signing autographs.

Imagine my surprise when—15 hours into labor—I had to be wheeled in for a last-minute, unplanned c-section... and five days later I was still in the hospital due to some mystery infection.

Needless to say my recovery wasn’t all that glamorous! I was sore and hunched over and needed help showering for the first several days. Laughing and coughing and sneezing sent me to the verge of tears and getting up and down out of bed or the couch made me feel like a 95-year-old woman! My dreams of finally sleeping on my belly again were (temporarily) crushed and my back throbbed far more than when I was ready to burst at full term.

As unglamorous as the whole thing was, I was pleasantly surprised that the recovery seemed to go a little quicker than I had anticipated. Within the week I was keen to get out in public (to show off the baby of course – the world needed to see him!). And by three weeks or so I was back to driving and doing little things around the house. I was also starting to look more and more like my pre-pregnant self. In fact, by week three I was also down to my pre-pregnancy weight... and I’m not gonna lie, I was pretty happy about it.

But I have a little secret.

I didn’t try... It happened by accident.

But please don’t hate me. The next part is nothing to brag about.

About 10 days after giving birth I woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat. Granted it was the height of summer in Australia, but we sleep with the AC absolutely cranked to avoid melt-down and our room was a pleasant temperature. And you have to know I’m not talking about just a bit of sweat on the forehead... I’m talking about so much sweat that my husband seriously thought I had wet the bed!

My hair was soaked, my pyjamas were soaked, the sheets were soaked... this was profuse sweating at it’s best (worst?).

At first I wondered if my post-c-section fever and infection had returned... because what else could possibly make me sweat like that besides running a marathon? (Or, since I’m not a runner, running around the block?)

I felt fine but took my temperature anyway. No fever. (That's a good thing.)

The next night it happened again.

And then again.

For those of you that know me, I know what you’re thinking: what else should I expect after having a baby during the middle of summer in the tropics? But I’m telling you that my husband keeps the bedroom AC so cold during the summer months that I sometimes use more blankets as the temps climb.

Anyway, after the third night of ridiculous sweating I finally looked in my What to Expect When You’re Expecting (pregnancy bible) under postpartum recovery and found... I was normal.

I discovered that about one in ten women suffer from excessive night-time sweating after giving birth, and it even has a medical name for it: diaphoresis. There is no cure, no treatment, just a suggestion: sleep on a towel until it goes away! Apparently it’s hormonal (along with everything else) and is one of the ways that the body gets rid of the excess pregnancy-accumulated fluids.

No one tells you this stuff before you get pregnant!

Well, I continued to sweat it out for the next two or three weeks, unable to sleep with the blankets off (room too cold) and unable to sleep with them on (sweaty wet blankets in the cool room made me even more cold)... and constantly rotating the beach towels that now covered my side of the bed.

What a dilemma! J

And then as fast as the night sweats appeared, they were gone again. I had sweated out my baby weight... and I was back to my normal night time (dry) self.

I will probably forever look back at those first few weeks after having my son as some of the most unglamorous of my life... But, they were also the most precious. Adjusting to life with a newborn is like nothing else! I’ve never cried so many tears of joy and happiness, never wondered how my heart could be so full... and never thought I could be such a sweaty, slow-moving, emotional mess and yet not really be bothered by it.

After all, my dream had come true: I was finally a mommy. 

P.S. Dear mommy friends, did you experience any post-partum “glamour” that caught you by surprise?

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