366 days ago i spent the last night alone with my baby

A year ago today I was on the eve of my due date. My parents had flown in from overseas. My best mate was here, armed with the camera and snacks and lots of encouragement. And my husband and I were packed and ready to go.

It was a hot and humid day with sporadic rain showers. Emma and I swam and walked back and forth across the length of the near-by pool while my parents looked on from underneath the shelter and Ryan worked nervously at the office, waiting for a call at any time.

Baby was engaged.

Mama was feeling brave, excited, and at peace.

We were ready to go.

That night I went to bed with excitement, thinking (perhaps hoping) that I'd go into labor that night.

Then, around 2:00am--just hours after Levi's official due date began--my waters broke and the contractions started hard and strong.

I was going to have a baby. My life was about to be turned upside-down.

It wasn't until twelve hours later that I went to the birthing centre. By that time my contractions were consistently three minutes apart and we decided it was time to be in the care of our dear midwife.

Soon after arriving I had an internal examination (well, several of them actually), and then four or five different ultrasounds), only to find out that Levi was breech.

It was against hospital policy to birth breech babies in the birthing centre so I was transferred to the maternity ward and robed up for an unplanned c-section.

Although it wasn't the natural water birth I had desired, I was glad that I was already in labor and things were progressing smoothly. Baby wasn't in distress and neither was I. My body went into labor naturally, so I knew we were both ready. And my contractions were hard and strong and fast... but not so fast that they had to rush me through with urgency.

I can't say that lying in an operating surgery and having someone cut you open to deliver your baby is ideal. I felt passive. I felt a little bit ripped off. I felt an element of sadness.

But mostly I felt relieved. And I felt glad.

I was so fortunate to have my child in a nation where the health care is amazing. Where doctors and nurses and my midwife took incredible care of me. The fact that my child was able to be delivered safely by cesarean was a great comfort, even despite the whirlwind of emotions.

I also felt excitement. I knew that in moments I would be meeting my beautiful boy for the first time.

If I could turn back the clock I would have requested a late term ultra-sound. I'll never know if we would have been able to turn the baby if we'd caught it in time.

If I could turn back time to 5:46pm on Friday, January 26, 2010 I would have insisted that I got to hold Levi straight away while still on the operating table... rather than an hour and fifteen minutes later after they had sewn me up and done God-knows-what-else in the meantime.

But I can't. And I've made peace with that.

Because when you are at peace, you are free to be grateful.

And grateful I am.

I refuse to let these things define the most life-changing moment of my existence. And I am grateful--beyond grateful--that I could even give birth at all.

I still cry when I hear stories of other mothers having their babies placed on their chest moments after that last push. I cry for what I wasn't able to experience. I cry for my lost hour and fifteen minutes.

And yet my tears are small compared to the tears of so many mothers... and so many would-be, wanna-be mothers. So many mothers that didn't even get an hour and fifteen minutes with their babies.

I was warned that a child's first birthday is an emotional time for moms... And here I am, the day before Levi's birthday and I'm an absolute hurricane of emotions. I believe it's possible to be warned and caught off guard at the same time.

So what do I do? I finalize party plans. I wrap presents. I bake cupcakes. I imagine photos I want to capture on Levi's big day. I think about how my husband and I want to celebrate our own milestone along with Levi's. I pray. I give thanks. I write a lovesong for my boy. I look back through hundreds of photos and video clips and bawl my eyes out. Not because my baby is growing--I'm glad he's growing and developing and progressing--but because life is short and I'm thinking I want to squeeze it a little bit more.

I've tried to relish, enjoy, savor, record, and live in the moment as much as I was able this last year. I wish I had done that more. There will always be more. But I also realize that I did my best. I gave it my all. I could not have done better.

In twenty-four hours time I will commemorate that moment... the moment I shared my first-born with the world:

5:46pm, Friday, January 29, 2010.

just arrived at the birthing centre after 12 hours of labor at home...
receiving the news that levi is breech.

this is me with my brave face while being prepared for the operating theatre.
although i was a little teary and disappointed, i was genuinely at peace... and very excited.

{first look}
he was the most beautiful thing i had ever beheld.

{first touch}
my heart still aches a little looking at this photo.
if a hand could convey longing, love...
i'm grateful at least, that ryan got to hold him straight away.

{first hold}
at last he was mine. my heart exploded a thousand times as he nursed and nuzzled. it was magic.

{first hold}
beaming with pride and joy as i looked at my husband
and midwife with levi snuggled up to my chest.

being wheeled into the maternity ward to introduce levi to my parents and emma.

emma, my mom, and my dad were all there from the beginning until the end....
they were so happy to welcome our miracle when we finally came out from surgery.
although plans changed, we couldn't have shared this time with anyone more special.

my precious angel just hours old. the most beautiful and perfect newborn i've ever seen.

although i was dog tired, i didn't want to go to bed that night. i didn't want it to end.

our extremely happy family - healthy and head-over-heels in love.

room 50. our room 50. i'm so glad for this place.

Dear friends, I didn't really mean for this to turn into a birth story, but I suppose in a sense it's turned into a version of one... minus the detail. Writing about it again now, a year later, is comforting... almost therapeutic. I have so much to remember, so much to celebrate. I knew I'd be a mushy mess this week, but I'm surprised at how I'm enjoying the mush. It's all part of the process, isn't it? It's all part of the process of growing, moving on, moving forward...

turning the page,


P.S. Thank you if you read my post yesterday and prayed for Levi to get well. He's doing sooo much better today and we should be in the clear for his party tomorrow!! *bigsighofrelief*

on saturday...

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
do not reproduce without written permission

dear natural birth club, P.S.

A while back I wrote a post called Dear Natural Birth Club. To date it’s one of my most-clicked, most-forwarded posts.

Probably because it’s a little controversial. And it's also a little sarcastic. (It was never intended to be a serious dig… just a stir-the-pot-and-get-you-thinking sort of post.)

And probably because it touches something close to the heart of every mother – childbirth.

I got some wonderful and insightful comments from this post and wanted to share some of them with you to keep the conversation going.

A tiny bit of background in case you haven't read my original letter: I had planned to have a water birth without medication, but ended up with a C-section because my little munchkin was an undetected breech. And you know what? I’m okay with that. Sure, I had to deal with some feelings of disappointment and the emotions that come with unmet expectations, but I really was over-the-moon about the birth of my firstborn and the fact that it was a low-stress, smooth birth (all things considering). Because of course I knew that a birth plan is just that: a birth plan... And things don't always go according to plan, now do they? {grin}

And yet in the months after my birth, I kept feeling as if I was hearing so much negativity about births like mine. Not mine specifically; just those like mine. And well, that made me... a little ticked off. 

Because we all know that a healthy birth is a successful one. (God knows, many women aren't as lucky as we are to have the care and expertise that we are offered in our hospitals and birthing centers.) 


Who are we to judge each others' choices and experiences?

So the hot topic: To give birth with drugs and interventions... or to give birth naturally? 

It is a sensitive issue isn't it? And one we don't always have a choice about.

Of course it’s not the only parenting hot topic. There’s also breastfeeding, sleep training, discipline methods, staying home or working outside the home, and so many other parenting preferences and choices! Ohmygoodness.

If you haven’t read Dear Natural Birth Club, you may want to visit first here. But even if you don’t, the comments below speak for themselves. (Please note that this is only a selection of the comments from that original post. Although I greatly appreciate all comments, these are the ones I thought relevant to a follow-up post.)

Thanks to my readers for some wonderful contributions to the discussion.... I love your insight, expertise, opinions, and thoughtfulness.

Hannah said...

LOL, I am so going to join your group. I also had every intention of joining the "pushed", even though I did push for four hours with my first. I didn't get to join with either of my boys, they too had their own plans on how they were coming into this world.

Livy said...

I did have a sorta-natural birth. If you count pitocin + no pain meds. I just did it that way because I was more scared of an epidural than pain. I don't tell everyone. Only if they ask.

It doesn't really matter how our children got here, only that they DID get here and safely at that.

I am learning more and more as I go how many different clubs there are in mommyhood. We can never do everything "right." I am trying to not care and just do things the way I feel.

Mandy said...

I know how you feel!! I was one of those that intended to join the natural childbirth club as well. And although I was able to deliver vaginally, my son had plan to make it a bit harder and almost impossible to do so. One thing I've learned about childbirth, is that it rarely goes according to our plan. It's unpredictable and all we can do is be proud of ourselves, regardless of the way it went. We have our beautiful babies to show for it, right?

Amy Sullivan said...

As an unintentional member of the Natural Birth Club (way, way fast birth...didn't even make it to the hospital), I'd like to say it's not as fab as everyone claims.

Emily @ Finding My Aloha said...

I totally feel ya on this one! I am a card toting organic lifestyle person. I have been living green long before it was cool. However, never once did I ever think I wanted to have a natural birth. It grossed me out and I cannot understand why people would intentionally put themselves through pain. I have heard all the arguments and I STILL don't get it. I have an inherent problem with the argument that it is a rite of passage. You have got to be kidding me! Like pregnancy, birth, 10, 12, 2, 4, & 6am feedings, spit up, uncontrollable crying, hormones, and all the other "joys" of motherhood isn't rite of passage enough. I do not understand why people make this all such a big deal. We are all moms, thats all that really matters. Thanks for sharing. It sure is a hot subject.

Maryline said...

I know exactly where you are coming from, a girlfriend of mine felt so disappointed she had a C-section when she really wanted to push. But today? She's the same happy mommy she would have been.

Truth is it does not matter. It's like the natural birth club -- who hands out the medals again? Now come on, give yourself a pat on the shoulder and go on. Good work momma.

Anna said...

I am not a part of that club as well. Disappointing. Yes. Felt like a failure in my first job as a mom. However, on the flip side, I now have 3 healthy children all delivered via the zipper. They are turning out very well, so I have succeeded in many other areas. 

cooperl788 said...

Getting the baby out, however way it happens, is hard work and not something to feel superior about

Melissa (Confessions of a Dr. Mom) said...

It is so very true, we all give birth...it may not always turn out as planned, but no one way is better than others. I can certainly understand your disappointment and heartache having planned and dreamed this day for 9 months.

I like your club: The Mamas Who Gave Birth and I think it was clever and well written...Congratulations and I think you're an amazing Mama!

The Planet Pink said...

I don't understand why we have to belong to a club at all *shrug* But if we have to, I'm a member of both. The natural birth club x3 (does that make me president?) and the line across my belly club x 1. I can safely say (since I go to both meetings) that with the exception of the vocal minority (which ALWAYS try to speak for the entire group), both clubs are greatly misunderstood by each other. And I can also confidently say that unless you are a part of both clubs, you will never fully understand the other side. My suggestion is to assume positive intent and move on. In fact I think I shall resign my membership to both and just be me....

Amy said...

I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes moms can make each other feel bad for not doing this or that...without meaning to. I feel confident that what I did/do is OK. I am a wimp, so I went for the epidural the 1st time. Second time? Baby came WAY too fast and I had no choice but to go au natural. Both times all that mattered was the cute little guy who came out of it.

LauraCYMFT said...

Tsk! Can't stand there are so called clubs like these! Does it really matter how baby is born so long as both baby and mother are healthy and well afterwards?!

~Lisa~ said...

I was a breeched baby and I tell you what, it is harder to have a c-section than a natural birth.

hannah said...

Congratulations and welcome to the C-Section Club! You've expressed some things I have felt too as a c-section mommy (placenta previa for me instead of breach).

I have felt many of the same things you've expressed, although it's definitely from my own judgment of myself rather than that of others. Sometimes I put too much pressure on myself to be the perfect mom because I feel like I couldn't do the first thing I should have as a mom--just get him out. Remember that giving birth, having major surgery, and the combination of the two are things you have to recover from mentally and emotionally as well as physically!

Laura Elliott said...

I've never really thought about myself as part of a club, I'm just me.

I wanted a natural birth without drugs, I got the natural part in the sense that I didn't need a c section but I had every drug I could - pethidine, gas, epidural. In the end all that mattered was that we were both healthy.

I tried breastfeeding but it drove me and my daughter to tears. Probably should have stuck it out longer but I was struggling so much. I swapped to formula and from there it all got a whole lot easier.

I stayed at home for a while but I felt like I had cabin fever. Sometimes I feel guilty because I didn't cut it as a stay at home mum. I loved going back to work and I now work four days per week.

There are so many choices. Everyone has their own unique story. At the end of the day a baby is born and that is a wonderful and beautiful thing.

Thanks for the post as it got me thinking and it has reminded me to be careful to not put people into categories and make them feel like they don't fit in.

KimD said...

From the first day I found out I was prego (on my birthday) I knew that 1. no breastfeeding 2. oh heck yeah pain meds 3. I'm not giving up coffee for 9 months. Ooh some heads are spinning now!!!!) I went to the hospital the night before my scheduled induction to make sure I wouldn't miss that epidural window of opportunity! 

Justine said...

Hi Adriel, I didn't realize there was such a divide between the two camps of mamas. I am not even sure why there would be one. But I guess life is like high school over and over again regardless of where you are in life. Cliques, groups, haves, have-nots - we do the best we can to navigate around these I suppose. 

Lynda said...

Thank you Adriel. After what happened with my births and my chronic low supply, I say eff all the clubs. I don't want to be a member, even honorary, of any of them. I have some amazingly supportive, like-minded friends. I think that's all that matters.

Enjoy Birth said...

I love your post. It helps remind us moms to be less judgmental of each other! Each birth is unique and special.  I am sorry you didn't get a chance to have the birth you hoped and planned for, but so happy that you are glad about your birth. You actually helped me remember it is mom and baby who help shape a birth.

Jill L said...

Hey, the fact that you had a baby makes you a supermom :) I pushed Eva out, but had to get an epidural just about one or two hours before the pushing began, I have a very low threshold for pain and pass out because of it (I actually have a medical condition related to this, neurocardiogenic syncope). Actually, by the grace of God, I didn't pass out during labor, but when I started to get very close to it, I decided drugs were better than me passing out all the time which would just complicate things. So, I to did not have Eva "naturally", however, for my body make up, I think I actually am a superwoman. I'm quite proud of myself for how long I did make it naturally with labor.

How you feel about your labor experience is how I feel about my breastfeeding experience. I still find myself sometimes struggling with the fact that I had to give it up.

Anonymous said...

You ALL belong to a club I wanted to join and couldn't . . . I am an infertile mom and now proud adoptive mother of FIVE, all girls (25, 20, 13, and 6 year old twins) . . . there were many times I felt like I had been black-balled from YOUR club. Not so much anymore, but please respect that we are ALL moms: those who foster children, those who adopt, those grandparents who raise their grandkids. We all need to stick together!!!

{In closing.} 

Isn’t this a great variety of perspectives? And really, when you boil it right down... we all have the same message: have your baby in a healthy way, don't judge others or be exclusive, and don't be insecure about the way your own birth(s) unfolded. Of course I’m totally oversimplifying here... but you get what I'm saying.

And this is why clubs are dangerous: they make it “us and them” when really there is nothing more unifying than having a shared experience like childbirth anyway. Or to take that a step even further: to have the shared experience of parenthood full stop.

Dear friends, isn’t this a hot topic?! Would you care to add to the conversation about your experience becoming a mom... whether it be with or without drugs, or with or without pushing? Or even with or without giving birth?

grateful to have given birth at all,
simply grateful to be a mom,

 

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
do not reproduce without written permission

birth is holy, treat is as such | a letter to my pregnant self

Dear Adriel,

You are becoming a mom. Finally, after 32 long years your dream is coming true! And guess what? It’s going to be even better than you imagined.

I know that right now it seems like pregnancy will never end… but enjoy these last days. Soon—when he’s not all tucked up safely inside of you—you will have to share that precious boy with the world.

Don’t stress about him coming too early or too late. I know you’re concerned about your parents flying in from overseas and being there for Levi’s big debut… But your clever little one will actually be one of the few babies that decide to come on his due date. Isn’t that fun?

{What you couldn’t have known then.}

As his birthday approaches, I want to tell you a few things that I’ve learned since then. I hope you’re taking notes, because this stuff is good.

First of all, I know you’ve heard it a thousand times… but seriously, hear it one more time: life is about to drastically change. Don’t worry, you’ve prepared as best as you possibly can. But just know that you can’t fully prepare for the best parts of life… like this one.

{You were made to give birth.}

The day of Levi’s birth is going to be so incredible. It will be hard work, but you will sail through it. You are much tougher than you sometimes give yourself credit for. In fact, most all women are. You were made to bear children… and soon you will get to see that in reality. You have nothing to fear, nothing to be anxious for.

{There will be a change of plans.}

I’m sorry to break it to you, but Levi’s birth will not be un-medicated, or in the birthing pool, or most of the ways you’re imagining it right now. You know that little inkling that he might be breech and you could possibly end up having a C-Section? Well, let’s just call that a mother’s intuition, because…you’re right.

Of course you won’t discover this until twelve hours into labor, but don’t be afraid. You’ll handle it beautifully, with grace and confidence. God knows that you can handle it; He’s promised to never let you go through anything you can’t handle, remember?

{Remember to look beyond yourself.}

In those moments when you’re first told the news, remember to tell your midwife that you love her and you’re not mad at her for misinterpreting Levi’s position correctly in time to move him. She will be feeling incredible disappointment and failure in that moment… and she, too, will need some reassurance and encouragement.

She’ll later tell you how much your sweet attitude and response meant to her. Because as much as everyone tells you this day is about you and your sweet boy, the reality is that many others around you will also be effected by this miracle of life and how you bring your son into the world. Birth is holy, treat is as such.

{first night together... a few hours old.}

{Prepare to behold glory.}

The surgery itself will go quickly and smoothly and the doctors and their teams will do just as great as your midwife would have done. It will be different, but no less amazing. They’ll take wonderful care of you.

More importantly, be prepared to meet the most gorgeous being you’ve ever laid eyes on. (And on that note, no need to worry about your baby being cute or not… He is seriously as cute as they come... everyone says so.) 

{a few hours old.}

You will look at his face and finally know:

This is what glory looks like.

{one day old and still in the hospital.}

And even though you won’t get to hold him straight away like you had always envisioned, when you do finally hold him any of the disappointment from the change of plans will feel small and petty as it melts away in the wonder of that moment.

{Be anxious about nothing.}

And about breastfeeding... Yes, you’ve heard all the horror stories and you’re prepared for the worst. Your willingness to try as hard as you can and your commitment to persevere through those first few difficult weeks as you try everything in your power to make it work is noble and wonderful...

But guess what?

You are one of the lucky ones who finds breastfeeding a breeze. So let’s just forget those worries now. No need for them. During those first moments of holding your dear son on your chest, he will easily find his way and begin nursing naturally. It will be as if you’ve always been together.

The ease of breastfeeding will be grace to you amidst the mixed emotions that come with your unplanned surgery. Enjoy it and give thanks for it.

{Let yourself be taken care of.}

Now about going home... You’re going to need to stay in the hospital for five days due to a mild infection. As much as this doesn’t sound ideal to you right now, please know that it is. We all know your inclination to try and be superwoman, but this is not the time. You really do need to take it easy and let others take care of you. Being in the hospital will gently force this upon you. This, too, is grace to you. Embrace it and enjoy being served. Receive.

You do need to be warned, however, that in Australia husbands aren’t allowed to stay overnight with you in the hospital. I know this is different to home, and it is understandably hard, but you can handle this. During those five long nights you will enjoy some precious moments with your son, just the two of you. Do you best to look on the bright side. Your homecoming day will come soon.


{Don’t stress about your recovery.}

You know what they say about recovering from a C-Section, and so it’s no surprise that you will be frustrated by the prospect. But this is another area that’s not as bad as you might have been led to believe. Within a few days of being home you’ll be ready for some short day trips, and by week three you’ll be able to drive again. Yes, there’s some lingering pain and you have to be careful, but you most certainly won’t be an invalid and you won’t even be housebound… so let’s just dispel that fear right now so that you can enjoy the afterglow of your son’s birth.

{Love: madly, deeply.}

Be prepared to love like you’ve never loved before. You are going to have moments where you’re singing to that little boy, or even just looking at him from across the room while someone else takes a turn holding him… and it will feel as if your heart will explode with a deeper love than you’ve ever experienced.

You’ll begin to understand the love of God in a deeper way, you’ll fall in love with your husband in a more profound way, and of course you’ll love your little boy enough to honestly want to give your life for him if need be.

It’s a fierce, strong, solid love that’s decorated with sweetness and laughter and more kisses-on-the-toes than you ever dreamed possible. It's a love that will drive you to miss him when he's tucked up safely sleeping. A love that cause you to gaze at his photo when you can't look at his face before you. A love that feels eternal and timeless and extravagant and pure. A love that begins to define you anew.

{You will step onto a roller coaster.}

But along with those highs there will be things that stretch you at the core of who you are as a woman. Insecurities will be revealed that you don’t even realize are lurking under the surface of your smile. There will be moments when fears that are new and foreign to you will seem to come out of nowhere and corner you in the dark.

You need to know that you can handle all of it. You are as ready as you’ll ever be. With the help of your husband and God and the loved ones around you, you will learn to ask for help, you will learn humility, you will learn patience, and you will learn to trust yourself more than you ever have yet.

{Having a child will grow you.}

As magical as it is, being a new parent is difficult. There will be times when you don’t know what to do and times where you second guess yourself. In those moments you need to try and remember that you’re the mom… you really do know what’s best, even if your emotions are telling you otherwise. You might sometimes feel like you’re grasping at straws, but the good news is that you and your son and your family will all learn and grow together.

I also want to warn you about the times when you’ll want more than anything to trade jobs with your husband. There will be days when you want to call in sick… or at least take a lunch break or sign off at 5:00pm. Those days are especially difficult because the reality is that you simply can’t.

But the sooner you figure out how to get some time for yourself to refresh and recharge, the better you’ll be able to handle those days. You’ll work it out. Just be deliberate. And in the meantime, know that having those days and those thoughts doesn’t make you a bad mom.

{You are the expert.}

And lastly, I can’t emphasize this enough… Every child is different just as every mom is different. Trust yourself. Go with your gut. Listen to your intuition. If something doesn’t work, just try something else. There are no “rules” that you have to go by.

Parenting is—and should be—fluid and organic. One lesson learned will flow into the next. Listen to the advice from others, read the books and websites that you need to, but when it all boils down, remember that you’re the mom and you know what’s best.

{Wash your brain in this truth.}

You’re a great mom. You’re a great mom. You’re a great mom. This needs to be your new mantra.

Make sure that you don’t try to be perfect or you’ll make yourself feel miserable in your failed expectations. But do remember that perfect has nothing to do with great.

Sear it into your mind… carve it into your heart… write in on your hand… post-it note it around the house if you need to: You’re a great mom.

Love,

me xx

Dear friends, if you could deliver a letter to your pregnant self, what would it say?

love,

| Originally published on Ingenue Mom on September 3, 2010 as a guest post. |



adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
do not reproduce without written permission

my unplanned c-section

Birth is such a personal ordeal - a huge milestone in a woman's life.

I had an unplanned C-Section. My little monkey was an undetected breech baby! The procedure itself went smoothly and I ended up with a beautiful baby boy in my arms so I couldn't complain. It wasn't the natural water birth in the Birthing Centre with my midwife that I was gunning for, but it was wonderful and happy nonetheless.

When I was told (12 hours into labour) that I'd need to be transfered upstairs to the hospital to be prepped for surgery, I was feeling let down but not devastated. Although I had a few tears of disappointment, I had been prepared for the unexpected and was just so thankful that I would be meeting our boy soon.

The delivery went well and soon I was enjoying my baby on the outside. It took a few days to process the fact that I'd have more limited mobility during my recovery than I expected (a set-back for this on-the-go woman!) and that was a bummer. BUT... I thought to myself,  "there's always next time." I'd fallen in love with our Birthing Centre and my midwife so much, the idea of going through the hospital was not appealing and I still wanted to try and have the natural birth experience I'd hoped for.

Let me explain a little. In Australia we have a wonderful health care system, which takes care of our babies (and mommies). Generally you get this care through the public hospitals (or if you are lucky, like me, you could get accepted into the local Birthing Centre). Although the hospitals provide very good care, it does mean that you see whoever is on call the day you go in for your pre-natal visits, and the same goes for whoever delivers your baby. (There is also a much higher rate of interventions.) 

When you go through the Birthing Centre, however, you are assigned a midwife who looks after you during your prenatal visits, delivers the baby for you, and then does six weeks of post-natal home visits to check on both you and bubs. It's such a fantastic model of care! After having experienced that I would never want to turn back!

So like I said, though I was disappointed at being wheeled out of the Birthing Centre and upstairs to the operating theatre, I also had hopes of trying again next time to have the birth I'd imagined. That is, until I found out that our local hospital policy states that any woman with a previous C-Section is now considered "high risk" and is therefore disqualified from the Birthing Centre.

To say I was disappointed to discover this is an vast understatement! I think I was more upset hearing this news than I was at the original news of needing to be transferred on the day of Levi's birth. (At least on his birthday I had a baby to look forward to meeting!)

Anyhow, I know the dust will settle and this will just seem like a minor glitch in the road, but for now I'm still processing my emotions related to future births. I'm glad for the doctors and nurses and midwives that are committed to me and that they have my best interest in mind. But still, it's hard.