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the mommyhood memos: the tired monster ate my... self

Thursday, February 24, 2011

the tired monster ate my... self

My husband assures me that I felt the same way during my last pregnancy. And by “same way” I mean dog-tired, highly emotional, and basically feeling like a train wreck on thin ice.

I don’t remember it that way at all.

I remember dreaming about tiny fingers and toes, diligently looking through baby name books, and making lists of things I wanted to stock the nursery with.

This time around is different though. This time around, I have tiny little fingers grabbing at me non-stop, tiny little toes running in circles around me, and no motivation or energy to look through lists of names I already know I don’t like.

And of course the nursery is already fully stocked.

But feeling like a walking zombie who—at any given moment—is ready to turn into a werewolf and do some serious damage to anyone in my path? That I don’t remember at all.

Apparently I just don’t have a great memory. (And I don’t have a blog to go back and refer to since I didn’t start blogging until Levi was close to four months old.)

My memory fails me.

I can’t remember feeling like if I couldn’t get a nap somewhere in the day I just might keel over and die. (I’m not trying to be dramatic here… I seriously feel that way often at the moment.) I don’t remember feeling overwhelmed with exhaustion to the point of tears every other day. And I certainly don’t remember wanting to a) bite someone’s head off on a regular basis or b) burst into deep sobs of frustration at any given moment in time.
when you're this tired... even airport floors look appealing

So this is a post in which I am whining. It’s so unbecoming isn’t it? I know. (I tell my one-year-old that all the time, though he doesn’t completely understand how unbecoming just yet. And—no doubt—I’m giving him a shining example.)

I feel like I’m failing, like I’m not being my “best self”. No one is getting my best – not my husband, not Levi, not friends, not my work, not God, and not even myself. Everyone’s getting the scraps that are left-over from the savage Tired Monster that’s sucking away all my physical and emotional energy.

The tank is low folks, and the fuel light is most definitely on.

“This will pass,” my husband reassures me, and of course I know he’s right.

But in the meantime I’m having a hard time keeping it all together.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a great life. I have support. I have an amazing I’ll-cook-dinner-AND-do-the-dishes sort of husband. I have plenty of moments of laughter and amusement during my day as I watch my sweet toddler grow and discover and work his magic on me.

I’m just kind-of wanting to fast-forward another four weeks or so to that golden second trimester. (Yes, I think most of my pregnancy memories are from the glorious middle.)

And yet I don’t want to be that lady either. You know, that lady who whines and complains and basks in self-pity. I don’t want to be that lady that thinks that because I’m pregnant the world should suddenly start revolving around me. And most of all I don’t want to be that lady who takes for granted the miracle of carrying and growing babies in the first place.

So, admitting that I’d give almost anything to just pack it all in and have a good, long, uninterrupted nap… I’m gonna buck up. I’m gonna be a grown-up. I’m gonna tidy up the house and change over the laundry and think about what to make for dinner.

I’m gonna give thanks for the nice home I sit in, the over-the-top gorgeous and hilarious and healthy kid that calls me “mama”, and the dream boat I get to curl up with every night.

I’m gonna look on the bright side, remember how privileged I am to get to carry a baby in the first place, and thank God that he trusts me enough to give me a second Gift in the form of a child.

I’m gonna dream about my little raspberry and love him or her without reservation from the very depths of my heart.

For every moment of exhaustion and every over-exaggerated emotion I will try to remind myself that these are very, very, very small sacrifices that many women would gladly accept in a heartbeat if it meant growing and birthing a child of her own.

And hopefully I can keep my fangs under wraps for just a few more weeks… until this short little phase passes.

Dear friends, do you remember feeling like this during your first trimester? I know it’s normal… yet I still struggle to feel normal! How did you cope during those first few months when you feel so miserable and don't even have a massive belly to show for it all?


adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011 
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At February 24, 2011 at 11:13 PM , Blogger Casey Martinez said...

So, do you know what you are having yet? Could you be preggo with a girl? I often wonder if the extra flood of estrogen in our bodies when we are preggo with a girl is what makes the pregnancy more emotional and physically brutal. Obviously, this is just a theory...and you might be having a boy:). I think we just have to take care of ourselves as best we can when we are preggo. IF you need more sleep then take it. You are also caring for a little boy now and you didn't have to do that the first time you were preggo;0. Sleeping in airport are brave!! ;0

At February 24, 2011 at 11:29 PM , Blogger adriel, from the mommyhood memos said...

oh, no we don't know the gender yet. it's too early still! but that's an interesting theory!!

and this photo is a couple months old - it's from our christmas trip! we had already been traveling about 30+ hours and i think i could have fallen asleep anywhere by that point in time!! :)

At February 25, 2011 at 2:11 AM , Blogger cooperl788 said...

When you buck up and take care of the house, remember to buck up and take care of yourself too! Your body is making massive changes right now, which makes you really tired. Allow yourself that time to whine a little, to put your feet up and let your hubby pamper the mother of his children. Georgia's my only kid, so I have no real advice for you about the 2nd time around. But one thing that used to perk me up was some sort of chocolate mid-day. That treat somehow got me through until dinnertime and then I would just pass out after that. Hope you get to feeling better and more like your energetic self soon!

At February 25, 2011 at 2:31 AM , Blogger Chelsea said...

Totally with you! I'm 8 weeks and I literally feel like I could sleep The best way I can describe it is "pure exhaustion"!

At February 25, 2011 at 3:32 AM , Blogger Carol said...

What? Girlfriend, I missed the announcement! Congrautations!

Well, this is why they say to treasure your first pregnancy because you are never able to spend as much time "doting" on your pregnancy the 2nd+ times around. Plus, like you said the exhaustion is 10 fold since you can't nap whenever you feel like it. Once you hit tri 2, you'll feel great, you'll blink, and then wonder where the whole pregnancy went. It goes so much faster the 2nd time around, as does the newborn stage which will be a breeze to you compared to toddlerhood.

You are so blessed! I'm glad you have that in perspective, my friend!

At February 25, 2011 at 3:43 AM , Blogger Sarah P. said...

Seriously, don't beat yourself up. This is completely normal. The second pregnancy is WAY harder than the first and it's ok to feel everything that you're feeling. If you don't feel like making dinner or doing anything, really, then hold off. I found when I was pregnant, that when I forced myself to do things I just got angrier. I waited until I was in a better mental state before taking anything on. It will get better but give youself a little slack, it's ok. :)

At February 25, 2011 at 3:57 AM , Blogger Amy Sullivan said...

Sweet, sweet picture of captuing some sun and sleep at the airport.

Me? I think I slept the first three months of both pregnancies nonstop.

At February 25, 2011 at 5:31 AM , Blogger Unpolished Parenting said...

I do remember being pretty tired the first time, but this second time? I was exhausted to no end. But this time I was also trying to keep up with a toddler, house, meals, work, etc. Thankfully the fog lifted around 12 weeks... but it's a brutal firt tri! Hang in there :)

At February 25, 2011 at 6:04 AM , Blogger JIll said...

I think being tired the second time is hard because you have that first child to keep you busy and meet his needs. I know that my second pregnacy just went by fast, well untill the end that is. I did not have time to think becuase I had to meet the needs of O. Good luck. You will get through this and have a sweet baby to show for it.

At February 25, 2011 at 8:00 AM , Blogger Teva Beasley said...

Just wanted to remind least one person is getting your best. Your little rasberry. He/she will get the best for the next 9/10 months no matter what. You are blogging beautifully to be hosting a Tired Monster.

At February 25, 2011 at 12:47 PM , Blogger Rochelle said...

I am there! 13 weeks with #3 with two little boys (3 and 1) and I totally get it. It is totally normal, but also infuriating. It really shocked me how emotional, nauseated, and exhausted I have been. Thankfully my husband has been patient with me as I can barely stay vertical past 5 pm. I am officially in the 2nd tri next week and I am thrilled! Hang in there! It WILL get better.

At February 25, 2011 at 1:04 PM , Blogger Branson @ Reflection of Something said...

I am terrified of a second pregnancy, because my first was sooo hard! I had morning sickness until 23 weeks, and then was on partial bedrest by 30 weeks so I never really had that "golden trimester". I worry about being able to keep it together with one little bundle of love already needing all my energy! I know if and when it happens God will see me through it... but you can bet I will complain the whole way, because apparently when I am pregnant that is all I do based on what I wrote during that time! LOL!

At February 25, 2011 at 2:24 PM , Anonymous robin said...

In no time at all the super-crazy-nesting-I-must-get-this-done-before-the-baby-comes instinct will kick in :) Rest up as much as you can... maybe warn hubby to rest up too! And I love, love the photograph.

At February 25, 2011 at 10:16 PM , Blogger A Little R&R said...

Oh girl, I am so with you. I have been a lazy (okay, absent) blogger the past week and a half because I am so exhausted and uninspired. But we have a good excuse. We are growing one baby while trying to raise another. :) I am already waiting for 2nd trimester boosts of energy. Ahhh - can't wait!

At February 26, 2011 at 2:54 AM , Blogger Lindsey said...

This sounds like the exact conversation that's been going on in our house. I feel so tired, but the constant hanging and story-reading, and picking up is taking it's toll I'm sure!! Hope you feel better soon. How's the new nursery coming along?

Lindsey @

At February 27, 2011 at 8:53 AM , Anonymous Rachel said...

I remember this oh too clearly right now...I only got about 8 weeks of happy hormones in my second trimester before my body just went psycho too. I honestly felt so sorry for Jason. Have you seen the movie "Knocked Up"? There's a line in there where he's talking to her and saying "I know these are hormones talking, not Allison..." Its so true! It helped me to lock myself in my room and not come out till I was feeling better (works with toddlers & pregnant ladies) but I don't know how one does it with another baby under-foot -- get a babysitter I suppose!

At February 27, 2011 at 3:59 PM , Blogger kate maggie said...

Im sorry Adriel, did you just say dream boat up there? I had a huge smile on my face. I feel like I cant relate to this AT ALL hahaha. Obviously. But I will be praying for you ;) I want to be there so I can see your pregnant belly. I miss those days!!!

At February 28, 2011 at 12:17 PM , Blogger Becca said...

I so felt like that my first trimester. I hope you can get some much needed rest. I had a break and some energy during the second. I just started the third and I am back to the coma. Entering the home stretch...


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