worth staying up for

There was a night recently while Levi was sick that he woke a dozen times (or so it seemed) between 7:00pm and midnight. He couldn’t sleep for more than 20 minute stretches without gagging and choking (on his excess phlegm, I think) and waking himself up. He’d wake up crying – in pain and also perhaps a little frightened from the choking – and would need lots of help to get back to sleep.

Ryan and I took turns soothing him and rocking him back to sleep. As the clock shifted from PM to AM I took over and let my working husband get some sleep before morning.

In the quiet of the night I sat up with Levi. I rocked him, whispered to him, sang softly to him, held him tight in the darkness, and wished there was something more I could do to relieve him of his misery.

I wondered if I’d need to stay up with him in the chair through the night so that he could sleep upright and breathe more freely. I gladly would have (and so much more).

I was tired—dog tired—and yet something kicked in during those late night hours – that ability as a mom to put yourself aside and give yourself freely to your child.

I could have held him there all night. And really, I secretly wanted to hold him there all night.

A mother’s love… It runs deep doesn’t it?

Doesn’t it hurt to see your child in pain? 

I’m well aware that this is only the beginning of my journey into motherhood. *ouch*

That night I nursed him and rocked him and gently wiped his constantly dripping nose… As I did so I thought about the fact that each time we nursed, it was one time closer to when he would no longer want to hold still long enough to receive from me.

And I’m torn.

I have days where I wish that my body belonged to me again. And yet, I know it will never belong to me like it once did… And that too, I’m grateful for.

But I'm torn because right now I want him to keep receiving; I have so much still to give.

Yes, a mother’s love runs deep.

I know that it won’t be long until my baby will ask for his milk “to go” so he can be on his way to the next little adventure.

Time. Goes. So. Fast.

I love watching my sweet boy grow and develop and change.

But it’s bittersweet isn’t it?

How do you continue to let go of the precious little soul entrusted to you when everything in you wants to hold them close? How do you burn those late night moments into your memory to be recalled in years to come? How do you make the most of the time you have? How do you continue to find ways to give expression to the love that overflows?

I love my baby.

He’ll forever be my first-born love.

He’ll forever be worth staying up for.

Dear friends, how are you coping with all the love stored up in your heart and the emotional rollercoaster of parenthood?

overflowing,

I decided to jump back on the bandwagon. 
Would you care to vote for the Memos?



 Have you registered your blog here yet?

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
do not reproduce without written permission

the power of letting go

It was a Saturday a couple of weeks ago. Ryan was playing with Levi in our room on the bed and I was in Levi’s room next door putting laundry away. For just a moment Ryan stepped away from the bed to get something from the closet and Levi—of course—quickly followed after him, toppling off the bed and down to the ground causing a massive thud and quite a fright.

Ryan scooped up our little screaming child to console him as I muttered angrily under my breath about the fact that he knew better than to leave our extremely mobile (and fast) kid unattended.

But really, it all happened in a matter of seconds.

As quickly as my mama bear anger rose, my loving wife sympathy rose soon after. In all honesty I knew that I could have just as easily done the same thing. (And—no doubt—I’ve already had my fair share of parenting blunders in the last eight months.)

I went in to make sure everything was alright and also to tell Ryan that it was okay and I wasn’t angry, and found him apologizing to Levi and asking his forgiveness.

When I commented to Ryan that it was wonderful to see his humility with our child by asking his forgiveness even before Levi could understand, Ryan quickly responded with, “it’s probably more for me than for him.”

As parents we are bound to make mistakes – some out of ignorance and just not knowing any better, and others out of carelessness or selfishness or any other number of reasons. The important thing is not that we are “prefect parents” – we all know this will never happen! The important thing is that we are quick to admit our mistakes, humble ourselves before our kids, and ask for their forgiveness. (And it’s never too early to start.)

We all know that when someone asks for forgiveness it is much easier to not hold a grudge against them. Of course we all want our children to grow up with as little reason to hold grudges toward us as possible so that we can maintain strong, healthy relationships.

And that alone is a great reason to ask for forgiveness as we go.

But what we fail to remember is that much of the time asking for forgiveness is just as important for us as it is for the person we’re asking it of. (Because as humbling as it is, we all desire that feeling of being "right" by others.)

The reverse of that is also true: extending forgiveness to someone who has wronged us can be just as much for our own sake (or sometimes even more) than it is for the person we’re forgiving.

Because what if that person never offers an apology? Or what if they don’t see or agree that they’ve done something wrong?

Does that gives us license to forever hold a grudge?

Maybe… But I have learned that forgiveness is one of the single most important keys to having a healthy inner world. It’s impossible to grow and heal and be free within yourself when you hold unforgiveness and bitterness in your heart. (Unfortunately, even lessons we've already learned can be easily forgotten.)

I was reminded of this key as I took my shower this morning. There I was shaving my legs, singing "Old McDonald had a Farm" to entertain Levi as he played on the bathroom floor, and all of a sudden it occurred to me: there was a situation in my life where I had not yet forgiven someone who had hurt me. I had been waiting for an apology… and yet this morning I realized it might never come.


*Light bulb moment.*

I was left with two choices: grow bitter and resentful at the situation and the person, or forgive and let go of my negative feelings so that they wouldn’t fester and become worse.

Guess which one I chose?

I chose to forgive.

Another way of saying “forgive” is to say “let go”. I needed to let go of my attitude and let go of my expectations.

Does this mean I become a doormat? Does this mean that I will never feel any more pain in regards to the situation? Does this justify the offence? Does this mean that I move on and pretend that it never existed in the first place?

No it does not.

But it does release me from the negativity within. And if I don’t let go of that… no doubt it will fester making me hardened and bitter and resentful.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to become a cranky old woman.

And I can tell you from experience, it feels good to let go. There’s a power in forgiveness that’s difficult to express unless you’ve experienced it yourself.

So how about you?

Dear friends, is this a life-lesson that you need to learn... or re-learn? Is there something in your life that you need to let go of? Or someone you need to forgive? How about with your children? Are you teaching them what it means to be humble? No doubt we instruct them to apologize to a sibling or a friend when they’ve done something wrong… but do you ask forgiveness of your children when you’ve made a mistake that involves them or snapped and said something you shouldn’t have? Have you demonstrated to them that you don’t expect perfection, but you do expect that when mistakes are made there should be an honest and heartfelt apology? Do you need to ask for forgiveness or extend forgiveness today?

glad to have let go,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
do not reproduce without written permission