worth staying up for

There was a night recently while Levi was sick that he woke a dozen times (or so it seemed) between 7:00pm and midnight. He couldn’t sleep for more than 20 minute stretches without gagging and choking (on his excess phlegm, I think) and waking himself up. He’d wake up crying – in pain and also perhaps a little frightened from the choking – and would need lots of help to get back to sleep.

Ryan and I took turns soothing him and rocking him back to sleep. As the clock shifted from PM to AM I took over and let my working husband get some sleep before morning.

In the quiet of the night I sat up with Levi. I rocked him, whispered to him, sang softly to him, held him tight in the darkness, and wished there was something more I could do to relieve him of his misery.

I wondered if I’d need to stay up with him in the chair through the night so that he could sleep upright and breathe more freely. I gladly would have (and so much more).

I was tired—dog tired—and yet something kicked in during those late night hours – that ability as a mom to put yourself aside and give yourself freely to your child.

I could have held him there all night. And really, I secretly wanted to hold him there all night.

A mother’s love… It runs deep doesn’t it?

Doesn’t it hurt to see your child in pain? 

I’m well aware that this is only the beginning of my journey into motherhood. *ouch*

That night I nursed him and rocked him and gently wiped his constantly dripping nose… As I did so I thought about the fact that each time we nursed, it was one time closer to when he would no longer want to hold still long enough to receive from me.

And I’m torn.

I have days where I wish that my body belonged to me again. And yet, I know it will never belong to me like it once did… And that too, I’m grateful for.

But I'm torn because right now I want him to keep receiving; I have so much still to give.

Yes, a mother’s love runs deep.

I know that it won’t be long until my baby will ask for his milk “to go” so he can be on his way to the next little adventure.

Time. Goes. So. Fast.

I love watching my sweet boy grow and develop and change.

But it’s bittersweet isn’t it?

How do you continue to let go of the precious little soul entrusted to you when everything in you wants to hold them close? How do you burn those late night moments into your memory to be recalled in years to come? How do you make the most of the time you have? How do you continue to find ways to give expression to the love that overflows?

I love my baby.

He’ll forever be my first-born love.

He’ll forever be worth staying up for.

Dear friends, how are you coping with all the love stored up in your heart and the emotional rollercoaster of parenthood?

overflowing,

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adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
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