quality time or quantity time - which is more important?

Some people say that it’s not about how much time you spend with your kids, it’s about the quality of time you spend with them.

I say that’s rubbish.

Kids need time with their parents. They need to know that their parents are present in their lives. They need to know their parents are available. They need to know that their parents are approachable, interruptible, and not too busy giving everything else priority.

They need parents around to teach them by example – to model good behavior, display character, and impart family values. You can’t do this in short bursts or just through verbal teaching and instruction. It has to be lived-out in the day-to-day aspects of life for them to see and absorb and follow your lead.

Anyone who says that you can cram all of those things into “quality time” alone has obviously not spent much time with kids.

Kids with absent parents often grow up feeling insecure, inadequate, or like they need to work really hard to gain approval or success (which will, in turn, gain them some attention). Although I’m no psychologist or parenting expert, I’ve personally seen this pattern many times with adult friends who have had to overcome these hurdles… many of which—upon reflecting on their childhoods—would say that having absent parents (one or both) contributed to their insecurities as adults.

So… kids need quantity time. They need parents who are around.

But kids also need quality time. Just being with them (in quantity) is not enough either.

I can be a stay-at-home mom (or a work-from-home mom) and be around Levi all the time, and yet still not give him the quality time that he needs.

If I’m not careful I can run around all day with him on one hip getting chores done or doing loads of laundry, and then move him from one activity area to another while I sit “with” him (but actually absent) and bang out emails or do my online banking. I could spend hours being with him but not with him.

Kids need more than us just being with them physically. They need us to be present with them intentionally – both mentally and emotionally (quality time).

Again, kids with absent parents often grow up feeling insecure, inadequate, or like they need to work really hard to gain approval or success (which will, in turn, gain them some attention).

But you can be absent even if you are there. So this goes both ways – when parents are just not around… or when they are around but are not present.

Some of us find quantity time easier to achieve but lack in quality time. And others of us find quality time easier to achieve but lack in quantity time. Both are necessary to raise well-adjusted kids who will move into the future knowing they are not only loved, but valued as individuals and as people.

No matter if parents are working outside of the home or not, children need both quality and quantity time in order to see that they are important to us and that they matter. It’s our responsibility to see how we can be creative and make that happen, even with our varying work schedules and commitments. (And it is possible. My husband works full time outside of the home and yet still gives incredible quantity time to our son - he's ordered his life to be able to do so.)

It’s a challenge, but—in my opinion—it’s a responsibility that we took on as soon as we said “yes” to becoming parents. It’s up to us to work out the details and find ways to give of ourselves – both in quantity and quality time. The outworking of that may look different from day to day or month to month, but in the grand scheme of things gaps—in either quality or quantity—will lead to regrets.

And those are regrets that I’m trying my best to avoid.

Dear friends, what are you doing to try and ensure that you give your kids both quality and quantity time to the best of your ability? I've voiced some strong opinion on this post. Do you agree? Disagree? Why??

trying to prioritize well,

I decided to jump back on the bandwagon. 
Would you care to vote for the Memos?



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adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
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