dear natural birth club, P.S.

A while back I wrote a post called Dear Natural Birth Club. To date it’s one of my most-clicked, most-forwarded posts.

Probably because it’s a little controversial. And it's also a little sarcastic. (It was never intended to be a serious dig… just a stir-the-pot-and-get-you-thinking sort of post.)

And probably because it touches something close to the heart of every mother – childbirth.

I got some wonderful and insightful comments from this post and wanted to share some of them with you to keep the conversation going.

A tiny bit of background in case you haven't read my original letter: I had planned to have a water birth without medication, but ended up with a C-section because my little munchkin was an undetected breech. And you know what? I’m okay with that. Sure, I had to deal with some feelings of disappointment and the emotions that come with unmet expectations, but I really was over-the-moon about the birth of my firstborn and the fact that it was a low-stress, smooth birth (all things considering). Because of course I knew that a birth plan is just that: a birth plan... And things don't always go according to plan, now do they? {grin}

And yet in the months after my birth, I kept feeling as if I was hearing so much negativity about births like mine. Not mine specifically; just those like mine. And well, that made me... a little ticked off. 

Because we all know that a healthy birth is a successful one. (God knows, many women aren't as lucky as we are to have the care and expertise that we are offered in our hospitals and birthing centers.) 


Who are we to judge each others' choices and experiences?

So the hot topic: To give birth with drugs and interventions... or to give birth naturally? 

It is a sensitive issue isn't it? And one we don't always have a choice about.

Of course it’s not the only parenting hot topic. There’s also breastfeeding, sleep training, discipline methods, staying home or working outside the home, and so many other parenting preferences and choices! Ohmygoodness.

If you haven’t read Dear Natural Birth Club, you may want to visit first here. But even if you don’t, the comments below speak for themselves. (Please note that this is only a selection of the comments from that original post. Although I greatly appreciate all comments, these are the ones I thought relevant to a follow-up post.)

Thanks to my readers for some wonderful contributions to the discussion.... I love your insight, expertise, opinions, and thoughtfulness.

Hannah said...

LOL, I am so going to join your group. I also had every intention of joining the "pushed", even though I did push for four hours with my first. I didn't get to join with either of my boys, they too had their own plans on how they were coming into this world.

Livy said...

I did have a sorta-natural birth. If you count pitocin + no pain meds. I just did it that way because I was more scared of an epidural than pain. I don't tell everyone. Only if they ask.

It doesn't really matter how our children got here, only that they DID get here and safely at that.

I am learning more and more as I go how many different clubs there are in mommyhood. We can never do everything "right." I am trying to not care and just do things the way I feel.

Mandy said...

I know how you feel!! I was one of those that intended to join the natural childbirth club as well. And although I was able to deliver vaginally, my son had plan to make it a bit harder and almost impossible to do so. One thing I've learned about childbirth, is that it rarely goes according to our plan. It's unpredictable and all we can do is be proud of ourselves, regardless of the way it went. We have our beautiful babies to show for it, right?

Amy Sullivan said...

As an unintentional member of the Natural Birth Club (way, way fast birth...didn't even make it to the hospital), I'd like to say it's not as fab as everyone claims.

Emily @ Finding My Aloha said...

I totally feel ya on this one! I am a card toting organic lifestyle person. I have been living green long before it was cool. However, never once did I ever think I wanted to have a natural birth. It grossed me out and I cannot understand why people would intentionally put themselves through pain. I have heard all the arguments and I STILL don't get it. I have an inherent problem with the argument that it is a rite of passage. You have got to be kidding me! Like pregnancy, birth, 10, 12, 2, 4, & 6am feedings, spit up, uncontrollable crying, hormones, and all the other "joys" of motherhood isn't rite of passage enough. I do not understand why people make this all such a big deal. We are all moms, thats all that really matters. Thanks for sharing. It sure is a hot subject.

Maryline said...

I know exactly where you are coming from, a girlfriend of mine felt so disappointed she had a C-section when she really wanted to push. But today? She's the same happy mommy she would have been.

Truth is it does not matter. It's like the natural birth club -- who hands out the medals again? Now come on, give yourself a pat on the shoulder and go on. Good work momma.

Anna said...

I am not a part of that club as well. Disappointing. Yes. Felt like a failure in my first job as a mom. However, on the flip side, I now have 3 healthy children all delivered via the zipper. They are turning out very well, so I have succeeded in many other areas. 

cooperl788 said...

Getting the baby out, however way it happens, is hard work and not something to feel superior about

Melissa (Confessions of a Dr. Mom) said...

It is so very true, we all give birth...it may not always turn out as planned, but no one way is better than others. I can certainly understand your disappointment and heartache having planned and dreamed this day for 9 months.

I like your club: The Mamas Who Gave Birth and I think it was clever and well written...Congratulations and I think you're an amazing Mama!

The Planet Pink said...

I don't understand why we have to belong to a club at all *shrug* But if we have to, I'm a member of both. The natural birth club x3 (does that make me president?) and the line across my belly club x 1. I can safely say (since I go to both meetings) that with the exception of the vocal minority (which ALWAYS try to speak for the entire group), both clubs are greatly misunderstood by each other. And I can also confidently say that unless you are a part of both clubs, you will never fully understand the other side. My suggestion is to assume positive intent and move on. In fact I think I shall resign my membership to both and just be me....

Amy said...

I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes moms can make each other feel bad for not doing this or that...without meaning to. I feel confident that what I did/do is OK. I am a wimp, so I went for the epidural the 1st time. Second time? Baby came WAY too fast and I had no choice but to go au natural. Both times all that mattered was the cute little guy who came out of it.

LauraCYMFT said...

Tsk! Can't stand there are so called clubs like these! Does it really matter how baby is born so long as both baby and mother are healthy and well afterwards?!

~Lisa~ said...

I was a breeched baby and I tell you what, it is harder to have a c-section than a natural birth.

hannah said...

Congratulations and welcome to the C-Section Club! You've expressed some things I have felt too as a c-section mommy (placenta previa for me instead of breach).

I have felt many of the same things you've expressed, although it's definitely from my own judgment of myself rather than that of others. Sometimes I put too much pressure on myself to be the perfect mom because I feel like I couldn't do the first thing I should have as a mom--just get him out. Remember that giving birth, having major surgery, and the combination of the two are things you have to recover from mentally and emotionally as well as physically!

Laura Elliott said...

I've never really thought about myself as part of a club, I'm just me.

I wanted a natural birth without drugs, I got the natural part in the sense that I didn't need a c section but I had every drug I could - pethidine, gas, epidural. In the end all that mattered was that we were both healthy.

I tried breastfeeding but it drove me and my daughter to tears. Probably should have stuck it out longer but I was struggling so much. I swapped to formula and from there it all got a whole lot easier.

I stayed at home for a while but I felt like I had cabin fever. Sometimes I feel guilty because I didn't cut it as a stay at home mum. I loved going back to work and I now work four days per week.

There are so many choices. Everyone has their own unique story. At the end of the day a baby is born and that is a wonderful and beautiful thing.

Thanks for the post as it got me thinking and it has reminded me to be careful to not put people into categories and make them feel like they don't fit in.

KimD said...

From the first day I found out I was prego (on my birthday) I knew that 1. no breastfeeding 2. oh heck yeah pain meds 3. I'm not giving up coffee for 9 months. Ooh some heads are spinning now!!!!) I went to the hospital the night before my scheduled induction to make sure I wouldn't miss that epidural window of opportunity! 

Justine said...

Hi Adriel, I didn't realize there was such a divide between the two camps of mamas. I am not even sure why there would be one. But I guess life is like high school over and over again regardless of where you are in life. Cliques, groups, haves, have-nots - we do the best we can to navigate around these I suppose. 

Lynda said...

Thank you Adriel. After what happened with my births and my chronic low supply, I say eff all the clubs. I don't want to be a member, even honorary, of any of them. I have some amazingly supportive, like-minded friends. I think that's all that matters.

Enjoy Birth said...

I love your post. It helps remind us moms to be less judgmental of each other! Each birth is unique and special.  I am sorry you didn't get a chance to have the birth you hoped and planned for, but so happy that you are glad about your birth. You actually helped me remember it is mom and baby who help shape a birth.

Jill L said...

Hey, the fact that you had a baby makes you a supermom :) I pushed Eva out, but had to get an epidural just about one or two hours before the pushing began, I have a very low threshold for pain and pass out because of it (I actually have a medical condition related to this, neurocardiogenic syncope). Actually, by the grace of God, I didn't pass out during labor, but when I started to get very close to it, I decided drugs were better than me passing out all the time which would just complicate things. So, I to did not have Eva "naturally", however, for my body make up, I think I actually am a superwoman. I'm quite proud of myself for how long I did make it naturally with labor.

How you feel about your labor experience is how I feel about my breastfeeding experience. I still find myself sometimes struggling with the fact that I had to give it up.

Anonymous said...

You ALL belong to a club I wanted to join and couldn't . . . I am an infertile mom and now proud adoptive mother of FIVE, all girls (25, 20, 13, and 6 year old twins) . . . there were many times I felt like I had been black-balled from YOUR club. Not so much anymore, but please respect that we are ALL moms: those who foster children, those who adopt, those grandparents who raise their grandkids. We all need to stick together!!!

{In closing.} 

Isn’t this a great variety of perspectives? And really, when you boil it right down... we all have the same message: have your baby in a healthy way, don't judge others or be exclusive, and don't be insecure about the way your own birth(s) unfolded. Of course I’m totally oversimplifying here... but you get what I'm saying.

And this is why clubs are dangerous: they make it “us and them” when really there is nothing more unifying than having a shared experience like childbirth anyway. Or to take that a step even further: to have the shared experience of parenthood full stop.

Dear friends, isn’t this a hot topic?! Would you care to add to the conversation about your experience becoming a mom... whether it be with or without drugs, or with or without pushing? Or even with or without giving birth?

grateful to have given birth at all,
simply grateful to be a mom,

 

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
do not reproduce without written permission

let's talk about sex, baby

By Morgan, author of The Little Hen House

I love getting together with my mommy friends. I think they are the sole reason that being a Stay at Home Mom has not driven me to the loony bin (yet!). We get together about once a week, let the kids run amuck, and get a chance to have actual adult conversation.

Of all the things we talk about, sex is NEVER a topic. It’s interesting. I can tell you exactly how many stitches my best friend had after her second baby, and I have held my other friend’s breast while she tried to get her baby to latch properly, but I can’t tell you when the last time we honestly talked about sex.

Occasionally, usually in a one on one conversation, a girlfriend will open up to me about her sex life. Anyone who knows me knows that I will pretty much talk about anything, so I’m always down for a good sex talk. Here’s what I have learned: Most of us really don’t feel like doing it a whole lot. And by a whole lot, I mean pretty much almost never.

Here’s the part where I have to ask you to refrain from telling me about how you can’t get enough of your husband and you practically attack him the second he walks in the door. Good for you. And him.

What I’m saying is- most of us don’t have the same sex drive that we did before we became mothers. Don’t worry. It’s totally normal. The best thing we can do is share our experiences and try to help one another. So.....

Here is what I think affects libido after childbirth:

1. Breastfeeding- your estrogen levels are very low. It's like your body is in menopause. Even the act of just holding a baby makes your hormones drop. It's nature’s little way of ensuring their survival by making sure that you won't do anything that will make a sibling for them any time soon. :) 

2. Lack of sleep. Sleep trumps sex. Period.

3. Post baby body. Even if you have returned to your pre-baby size, you may feel differently about your body- especially if you are nursing or had a difficult delivery. 

4. How involved/helpful your partner is. I tell my husband that doing the dishes counts as foreplay. Husbands need to step up and act like supportive partners. I've had it with man-children. Mothers don't feel like having sex with a partner who acts like a child. They feel like putting them in the corner for a time out. 

5. Where your baby sleeps. It's hard to have sexy time when you have the baby in the bed. 

6. How consumed you are with motherhood. Take time for yourself. Work on a non-child related hobby. Have a glass of wine with your girlfriends. Re-connect with your pre-mommy self. You were a person before you had children. And that person felt like having sex. Get to know her again. 

7. Date night. I know it's cliché, but it's SO important to get away with your spouse once in a while. Enjoy a great meal, have a glass of wine (or two!). I find that Friday nights are great for us. It allows us to reconnect after a long week and gear up for the weekend. 

8. Baby blues/postpartum depression. Enough said. 

9. Fake it till you make it. Sometimes you just have to make yourself do it. You will be glad afterwards. So will your husband. :) 

10. Finally, you may never feel like jumping your partner’s bones like you used to. That's ok. Having children changes everything about a relationship. You are both parents now and you need to re-discover each other in a completely new way. It's really, really hard and everyone goes through this struggle. It will take time, but you will get in your groove again. 

I’m no expert and I’m certainly not a doctor. If you think something is medically wrong with you, then I suggest you discuss it with a professional. I can only give you my advice, which is based on my own personal experience.

Having two babies in just over two years did quite a number on my sex life. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying really hard to get back in the game and I know you can too. 

Bio: Morgan is a Stay at Home Mom to Emma and Annie. In between eating Bon Bons and watching soaps, she writes about life, the adventures of motherhood, and the challenges of raising her two little chicks. You can read more of her at The Little Hen House.

Dear friends, do you have anything that you've learned and would like to share about post-partum libido? Just keep it at PG13 please... {smile}

opening up the conversation,

Have you registered your blog here yet?

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
do not reproduce without written permission