oh fair Nap Time, where art thou?

Dear Nap Time,

I hate you. No, I love you. No I hate you. Where are you?

It seems not that long ago that I had a sleepy newborn that was no so sleepy. Don’t get me wrong – he was an amazing sleeper at night and I was one happy momma about that. But Nap Time, you were nowhere to be seen.

And we had a major Nap Time-shaped-hole in our hearts.

Then, after some searching and woo-ing and very hard momma-work, you came bounding into our lives at two months old. You came, you cooperated, you made my sweet boy happy. You made him alert. You made me sane. You started to give my puffy eyes a make-over. You even gave me a chance to meet my own Nap Time every few days.

How I loved you. How we loved you.

But you only stayed for two months. You came and stole our hearts and then you took off.

What was it about my son’s four-month birthday that turned you off? Was it the drool? The tooth? The new sitting-up-trick? Was it the massive growth spurt? The immunizations? The constant rolling-over? Were you angry because we took away the swaddle? (Come on, you know it was time.) Did the unbelievable cuteness become too much to handle anymore?

Or is this just a conspiracy between you and God to make me pray more? (It's working you cheeky Nap Time!)

I’ve gone ‘round and ‘round and can make no sense of your departure. I just don’t understand why you left. You had it so good here with our happy little family. I set the mood for you. I honored your time table. I gave you consistency. And yes, I realize you’ve been back since then… but only for fleeting visits. You have been such a tease these last six weeks.

When did this relationship get so toxic? So one-sided? So unpredictable? So shaky at best?

You want the truth? Here it is: I think it's grossly unfair that I have to walk on eggshells and cater to your every whim. Where's the give and take? Where's the mutual respect?

And now you’ve left again… and I hate you for it.

Except that I still love you. I do. I really, really do. (Is this what they would call a co-dependency?)

If you would come back, I would take you in a heartbeat. But I want you to come back and stay. Move in. Unpack your bags and change your address. What must I do to convince you that you belong here? This is your home.

Is it immaturity that makes you so fickle? I don’t understand why you constantly come and go. Your commitment issues are a concern to me. Why don’t you just move in and stay forever? Or could you at least stay until my sweet boy is a bit older? Like maybe four? (That’s only three-and-a-half more years!) Surely it’s not too much to ask.

I promise we’ll make you comfortable here. I’ll draw the curtains. I’ll turn on the fan. I’ll even play music if that’s what you wish.

But please, oh pluh-leeeeese Nap Time, won’t you come back to us?

We’re lost without you. We’re tired. We’re grumpy. We’re teary. We have a short attention span and a failing memory. Our kitchen floor is covered in crumbs and our laundry is overflowing. The bags under our eyes are back and no doubt our blood pressure has climbed.

This just isn’t good for us.

If we’ve done something to offend you – tell me! We’ll undo it! We’ll make it up to you! I promise we’ll do everything in our power to make you want to stay this time.

Nap Time, I really do love you. I’m sorry I said “I hate you”. I didn’t mean it. Forgive me! I love you. We love you. We neeeeeeeed you.

The key is under the mat. You know where your room is.

Nap Time, please make haste!

Waiting in hope and a slight bit of panic,

     levi & mommy

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