what we wish others knew about being a hard-working mom

{This post is part of the Moms Who Work series.}

Have you ever been misunderstood? 

I know, I know… loaded question. Let me make that question more specific…

Have you ever been misunderstood in your role or decision to work full-time away from home? Or be a stay-at-home mom? Or any other scenario you’ve chosen in regards to your work?

Even though I’m still relatively new to motherhood and staying home with my baby (most of the time at least), I’ve already had many opportunities for people to ask me the question, “What do you DO all day?”

No doubt they mean well—and they truly are curious and want to understand—so I try my best to answer politely in hopes that I can give them the little glimpse that they’re hoping for. But even with my best efforts I don’t think that anyone can ever really understand what a SAHM does all day until they’ve tried it themselves for a period of time.

I, for one, had no idea the amount of time and energy it takes to look after young children full-time, and then try to also keep house, do the shopping, plan meals, maintain some part-time volunteer work, have time for friends, stay well-connected with my extended family, and keep my relationship with my husband thriving. (Not to mention trying to fit in things for myself like prayer, exercise, reading, and other hobbies.)

Even as someone who babysat from the time I was ten years old, nannied infant twins full-time, and then worked in early childhood education for four years, I was still in for a rude awakening in regards to what it’s like to stay home full time with a baby of my own.

Oh. My. Goodness. I have seriously never worked harder in my life. Nor have I ever had to be so deliberate about not losing my marbles.

I desperately wish there was a way to adequately communicate what it is like to those who would like to know. (Let me know if you’ve discovered it.) 

There's also a good handful of other things that I wish people could understand... like why I'm home all day but some days seemingly get absolutely nothing done. Or why it was much easier for me to get my daily dose of Oprah while I was working full-time than it is now that I'm home. Or why cooking a nice dinner after getting home from working all day felt easier than it does now that I'm home and have the opportunity to start preparing even earlier.... I'll stop now, but my list goes on... 

In saying that, I also realize that as a SAHM I can’t fully understand what it’s like being a full-time working mom away from home. Of course that position comes with a completely different set of challenges, not to be downplayed or brushed over. No doubt working moms wish us SAHMs would have better insight into what it’s like for them.

We could all use a little understanding. We could all use a little empathy. After all, ALL moms work hard.

I asked readers what they wished other people knew about the position they are in, whether they are a SAHM, a working mom (away from home), or a work-at-home mom.

Here’s what you had to say…

A Little R&R said... 

I wish they would take seriously what I do. Some people think you work in your PJs and are not professional. I am just as professional as the lady in an office...it’s just my office is in my living room.

(A work-from-home mom.)

Mandy said...

I wish others understood just how much work goes into being a full-time mom. People often say to me, "Oh you’re lucky, you get to just stay at home all day and have fun". And yes, that is true to a certain extent. But it’s not always as glamorous as people make it out to be. There are times when it is just down right frustrating. “A screaming baby, spit up everywhere, a messy house, the dog threw up on the carpet, I have to pee, when was the last time I showered?, oh great someone is knocking at the door and I'm nursing, Ah, I can't reach my phone and I really need to take this call, explosive diapers, more crying..." and the list goes on. It's truly, truly a mess sometimes. But a beautiful mess, and one that I'm so grateful for. 

(A stay-at-home mom who also does photography part-time.)

cooperl788 said... 

I wish that others understood that even though it's a choice to stay home, that I still feel frustrated with my choice, just like every person. I really wish others would understand that I'm busy all day - I don't sit at home and watch soap operas all day. I'm cooking, cleaning, growing my child's mind – homemaking! 

(A stay-at-home mom.)

Baby Boberg & Parents said... 

That I'm still working hard. I'm not just sitting on the couch watching soaps and eating bon bons. I have a lot to get done everyday and that all has to be balanced with taking care of a child that demands all my attention. 

(A stay-at-home mom.)

Kristen T. said... 

It's not a competition! I'm not in a "who is the best mom" competition with stay-at-home moms. Just because I brought in Rice Krispie squares, and you made perfect, uniquely decorated cupcakes -- I'm not a bad mom! 

(A full-time work-away-from-home mom.)

Maryline said... 

Others don't often realize the time I have left to myself is close to zero. I need to sacrifice sleep to fit in the exercising, the blogging, etc. 

(A full-time work-away-from-home mom.)

HRH Mommy said... 

In the Netherlands (where I'm from) moms work and the kids are in day care. The responses I receive from both family and friends are less than supportive when I mention that I'd prefer to be a SAHM. I have a Masters Degree and therefore am expected to work and make $$. After I became a mom that all changed for me. Being a mom is so much more rewarding than the $$ any job would pay. Luckily my hubby is all for me being a SAHM, though at the moment I will be returning to work, simply since things have been slow (hubby is self-employed) and we need the extra $$. 

(A part-time work-away-from-home mom.)

Making It Work Mom said... 

I guess that I just want everyone to understand that I am always doing the best that I can. That I am constantly trying to manage everything. I don't work because I don't like to be a mother, but I do enjoy my job. 

(A full-time work-away-from-home mom.)

KDC Events said... 

Just because I am not at the office and at home, does not mean I am on vacation, having a day off or eating bon bons! I am working just as hard, if not HARDER!!! 

(A part-time work-away-from home mom and part-time work-from-home mom.)

Nya's mom said... 

Umm. I wish that others understood that in choosing to return to work, I did not choose work over my daughter. Both in my real life and online, when I was in the stage of figuring out whether I would return to work, I received some responses from stay-at-home moms who implied that in returning to work, I would be, essentially, putting my self interests over those of my daughter. That hurt!   (A part-time work-away-from home mom and part-time work-from-home mom.)

Further reading in this series:

• All moms work hard  
• How to be a stay-at-home mom without losing your marbles 
• Mom on a wire: finding balance and sanity in a home with two working parents
• You have spoken: the best and worst of being a working mom (away from home)
• How I became a pediatrician turned stay-at-home mom
• The pros and cons of being a work-from-home mom
• From home to work or work to home: speaking up about the transition process
• Back to work: tips for how to prepare for the transition after maternity leave
• Are stay-at-home moms 1950ish? (readers speak up about the best and worst of being a SAHM)
• 4 ways single moms are thriving 
• 8 tips for running a business as a work-from-home mom 
• Mom hat, student hat: important tips for studying moms 
• Hey honey, why don't you stay home with the baby while I go back to work?

Dear mommy-friends, can you relate to these moms? What do you wish other moms understood about what you do? Or how about those who aren't moms... like your husbands, bosses, coworkers, single or childless friends, or relatives? And lastly, what can you do to be more gracious and understanding toward other moms who are in a different position than you are?

working at being more gracious,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
do not reproduce without written permission

are SAHMs 1950-ish? {readers speak up about the best and worst}

[This post is part of the Moms Who Work series.]

Hey you! Moms! 

It’s not easy being you!

A while back I asked readers what you thought about the joys and trials of being a stay-at-home mom... ya know, the kind of mom who works long, hard hours but gets no holiday leave, lunch breaks, or paycheck?! {wink}

Here’s what you had to say...

The best thing about being a SAHM:

Queenie said…

You don't miss anything, you are with them so much you really get to "know" them, more opportunities for influence, no stress of trying to meet expectations of another job in addition to maintaining your household.  

Cameron said…

You don't miss anything, you get to be there for all the milestones & all the fun little things that happen during the day. You know that you are the one helping them grow & learn. Your day is more flexible because you can run errands or go to lunch with friends or have a play date or just stay home all day if you want. [Adriel's note: Since writing this, Cameron has recently joined the ranks of work-outside-of-the-home moms!]

 

Jill said…

I am new to staying at home up till the birth of Little B I was a working mom.  I think the best part is not missing anything. Making the focus on family strong and always being there for the kids.

Mandy said...

The BEST part about being at home with my son is that I AM the one that gets to teach him and help him progress. I LOVE being here to see every single little thing, every milestone. There is nothing more rewarding than watching your little one discover this big world around him. 

cooperl788 said...

Being a SAHM means that I can take care of my own family the way that I want to. I'm home to take care of the errands and chores that my husband and I used to fight over every weekend. When he gets home, he can enjoy spending time with me and his daughter, without having to worry about cleaning or running over to the grocery store. It's a low-stress life for us to have me stay home. Maybe it's a little 1950's, but it works for us. 

Baby Boberg & Parents said...

The best part about being a SAHM is that I get to make my own schedule. I don't have to listen to a boss tell me to be here or there by a certain time.

TV's Take said...

In Feb 2010 I decided to stay at home w/my daughter and work very part-time. I have more time to clean, shop etc.

HRH Mommy said...

Having the privilege to see my sons grow up. Be there with them, for them and being able to create a bond that I would not be able to create if I were out of the house at a job. 


For me...
The best part of being a SAHM is that I get to be the primary carer, teacher, and nurturer for my son. I love that I get to be the one who most influences him in the foundations of his life (along with his dad). And being home with him most of the time means I get lots of precious moments, can take a million photos, and can have a little bit more flexibility with how I divide my time. And as simple as it sounds... I get to look at him more. (I love that, and miss him when I'm away.) As hard as it is sometimes, I feel really blessed to be able to stay at home while my baby is still so little.

The hardest thing about being a SAHM:

Queenie said…

The hours aren't 9-5 and you don't get a lunch break.  You can't call in sick and even vacation time is spent doing pretty much what you do every day.  It's easy to get caught up in the mundane details and it's VERY easy to lose sight of who YOU are as a person outside of your children.

 

Cameron said…

Sometimes you can really caught up in the mom stuff & it can get overwhelming - like Queenie said - there aren't breaks.

Jill said…

For me right now is just figuring out how to get it all done in one day and not get really caught up in all the mom stuff. Learning how to do things for myself. I found it a little bit easier to stop and pick something up for myself or do something for myself when I was on my way home from work and then I would get home and shift into mom mode.  Now I am in mom mode all the time.

Mandy said...

I think the hardest part about being a stay at home mom is that I don't get as much adult social interaction. Sometimes I miss having those every day casual adult conversations. (BUT blogging and meeting all of the other people/mommies out there really helps. I love that I can turn to blogger and find so many people I relate to. That inspires me.)

cooperl788 said...

It's a struggle to come up with new ways to entertain Georgia, to keep her engaged in something that will stimulate her mind and help her learn about the world. I try to keep the tv off, but we find ourselves slipping into Blues Clues and other things as the afternoon wears on. Also, when you're trying to eat healthfully, it's really hard to have all the food at your fingertips all day. I have to make a huge effort to keep our fridge closed after mealtime.

Baby Boberg & Parents said...

The hardest part about being a SAHM is that I have to realize things may not always go according to my schedule. Things come up. I get sick. Baby gets sick. 

TV's Take said...

The mental solitude is what frustrates me… I also have more time to over analyze situations that I would not have otherwise done while working. Being a SAHM is a different kind of hard than a working mom.

HRH Mommy said...

Facing the challenges that the children throw to me. I am a group person and function best if I can talk and discuss situations with others. There are many instances where I am the only one making the decision, figuring out how to go about doing something, simply because David is at work and no one else is around who I can discuss a situation with in that very instance. Yes, I can talk to my friends over the phone, at play dates, etc., but it doesn't do much in the moment that a certain situation comes up.


For me...
I think the hardest part is working long hours and always feeling physically worn-out. I had no idea how exhausting it would be to have a baby. People "warn" you, but you really have no idea until you're experiencing it for yourself. Some days I feel like I will never get a moment to myself. When Levi is sleeping I try to get things done that need more attention than I can give when I've got one eye on him, so even the quiet nap times are usually packed full. I can handle that, but then at the end of the day, I'd love to "sign off" and have a transition. I sometimes envy my husband because--even though he comes home and continues to "work" by helping with the baby, dinner, or whatever--it's at least a change of work. (I know, I'm super lucky to have him!) But when you're a SAHM the type of work you do never changes and so you constantly feel like you're working overtime - 13 hour shifts... Every. Single. Day. Seven. Days. A week. I miss the change of pace that 8:00am, 12:30pm, 5:00pm, and Friday used to bring, and the ability to feel like I'm switching gears throughout the day and week.

What I wish someone would have told me before I became a SAHM:

Mandy said...

I wish I would have known that it's exhausting entertaining a baby all day! Ha ha. Seriously, it tires me out! By the end of the day, I'm more ready for bed than my baby is!

cooperl788 said...

I wish I would have known how lonely I would get without the adult interaction of a full-time job. By the time Jeremy gets home at the end of the day, I desperately want to just have some adult conversation. I also wish someone would have told me how frustrated I would get at my own child. Nobody wants to admit it, but raising a kid can be really crazy-making!

Baby Boberg & Parents said...

I wish I'd known that some days can be a bit lonely. That while having conversations with a 6mth old can be quite funny they are a bit one sided and not always very helpful.

HRH Mommy said...

Before becoming a mom, you hear often "being a mom is the hardest and the most rewarding job there is". I never knew exactly what that meant "the hardest job". Really? How could that be? Now a mom, I totally get it. It truly is the most difficult and most rewarding job there is, but I would add to that at 5:00 a mom cannot leave work behind and shut the door behind her. The job of being a mom is a 24hr/day job and requires attention and focus at both 3am and 3pm.

Tiffany Larson said...

You may change your desire to work or not work over the years so prepare yourself financially to be able to make those changes. Don't start working and adapt your lifestyle to your new income because you may find once baby #2 or #3 rolls around that staying home is the better option for your family. That's what happened to us and fortunately it worked out for me to stay at home but I have other friends that cannot afford to stay at home and would like to.

In closing:

Well, you have spoken and the verdict is in: Being a stay-at-home mom—like any type of working mom—has its highs and lows, perks and challenges.

If there’s one thing all moms know is that being a mom is not a walk in the park! It’s more like a roller coaster – filled with ups and downs... and certainly thrills.

There’s much to consider when deciding to stay home with the kiddos or not – what’s best for the kids, where the mom will thrive most, how the family budget will pan out, and the overall marriage and family dynamics (just to name a few).

Here’s to the freedom to choose what’s best on a case-by-case, season-by-season basis!

Moms. Work. Hard. All of ‘em!

For further reading in this series:

• All moms work hard
• How to be a stay-at-home mom without losing your marbles
• Mom on a wire: finding balance and sanity in a home with two working parents
• Readers speak up about the best and worst of... being a working mom
• How I became a pediatrician turned stay-at-home mom
• The pros and cons of being a work-from-home mom
• From home to work or work to home: speaking up about the transition process
• Back to work: How to prepare for the transition after maternity leave

Dear mommy-friends, are you a SAHM? If so, have you always wanted to be or did that desire come later in life once you had kids? Has it turned out to be anything like what you were expecting? Did you ever dream it would be so wonderful and/or so hard? What is your “best and worst” of being a SAHM? What do you wish someone would have told you in advance? And… do you think being a SAHM is 1950-ish??

happy to be home,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
do not reproduce without written permission

from work to home or home to work: speaking up about the transition process

{This post is part of the Moms Who Work series.}

When having a baby, every mom is faced with decision time. How much maternity leave should I take? Should I become a stay-at-home mom? Should I continue working? Maybe I should try to work from home? I wonder how many hours I can handle? How will we meet our budget? Can I afford to do what I prefer? How will my husband respond? What will my friends/family/colleagues think? Will I go crazy at work while my kids are in day care? Or at home while my friends all work? How will I cope?

So. Many. Questions.

So much to consider.

For me, the answer included a combination of staying home, working from home, and working at the office. But largely I’ve become a SAHM (even though I do continue my work part-time). And when people ask, I normally just tell them I'm a SAHM because that's easier than trying to explain how it all works.

As a child I never would have thought I’d become a SAHM. My mom worked (and enjoyed it) and I always thought other kids’ moms who stayed home were kind-of weird and old-fashioned. (Not that my mom or anyone else taught me that. It’s just that I was a child during the 1980’s when powerful women were considered the women who were working in corporate America.)

And besides, I was going to be a rock star/broadway wonder/pediatrician/attorney/politician depending on what age you asked me.

What in the world would I do at home all day? Cook and clean?

No thank you.

But as I got older... and older... and was still single, my desires started to change. I wanted nothing more than to get married, get pregnant, and be at home raising babies.

At 30 I got married (to an amazing man, so worth the wait). And at 32 I had my first child. For me, getting to stay home with my baby was something I had looked forward to for a long time... So, the decision to stay home came easily.

But I do continue to work, which I find good for keeping me connected to life outside my home’s four walls. (And besides I really care about my work and have a passion for it.) I'm blessed because my work allows me to continue on a very flexible schedule where I can set much of the pace. I realize not all women have this luxury, but I'm thankful that I do.

And even though staying home with my baby was highly anticipated, I still had to go through a transition process of learning what it means to spend the majority of my time with a little person who can’t yet hold a conversation, and have my days filled with things that I had no idea could possibly eat up so much time. I used to add up the hours spent breast feeding alone and about die thinking of all the other things I could be doing. (Don’t even get me started talking about the laundry. Ugh.)

I’m no cooking or cleaning fanatic (and a very far stretch from being a domestic goddess), so just learning how to stay on top of life with a baby has been a steep learning curve – the absolute hardest part of the transition process. I imagine nearly all new moms go through that whether they are working at home or working away from home.

Overall, however, the transition has been a fairly smooth one for me. I attribute that to the longing that had built up within my heart for so many years... along with a healthy dose of God’s grace!

Of course every woman experiences the transition differently. And that's why I've asked you to weigh in on the matter.

Here’s what some of you had to say...

On transitioning from work to home:

Walkers said...

I'm a stay at home mom. And I just wanted to share a little about the difficult transition I had. I suffered big time with post partum [depression], I really wanted nothing to do with my sweet baby. I thought I was majorly crazy. But as the time went on, I got over my post partum [depression], but there are days that I still just want to break down. It’s definitely not easy being a stay at home mom. I think it’s the most rewarding job, but at the same time it’s emotionally draining. I think sometimes we forget to stop, and take time for ourselves. We're just constantly trying to take care of our child, which can be really hard at times. Another thing that is still really difficult about being a stay at home mom is juggling the time with your husband as well. I know that sometimes I can really neglect him, but its really hard to have a child hanging on you all day, and meet their every need, and than at the end of the day, try to give some of your time to your husband. I know that me personally, by the end of the day, I don't want anyone touching me, I just want a break from being needed. So it’s definitely been a super hard transition that I'm still working on, and will constantly need to work on.

A Little R&R said...
I am a work-at-home mom. [The decision to work at home] was non-optional with me. Since I have to work it must be at home. The transition was not difficult for me - I began working at home when I was 7 or 8 months pregnant. 

Mandy said...
I am a stay at home mom that works part time doing photography. It wasn't a hard decision to stay home, but it was definitely foreign. Growing up, I never thought I'd be a stay at home mom. I really thought I'd be out in the work force. But it's the best decision I ever made. Granted, I am a photographer part time, but I consider it more of a hobby than a profession. And being a Mom is definitely harder work. :-) The transition has been smoother than I thought it would be.

cooperl788 said...
I'm a stay-at-home mom. This decision was something my husband and I went back and forth about for a long time. As far as leaving my teaching career, it wasn't difficult. But living without that (small amount) of money was something that was difficult for us to try to reconcile. The transition to staying home wasn't too hard, but going from 0 to 1 kid was really hard! It was like going from 0 to 100 in one minute. One minute I was my own person, and the next I was living for someone else. That slowly got better, and I learned to fit myself into the schedule, but the first months were really difficult.

Baby Boberg & Parents said...
I am a stay-at-home-mom. My mom stayed at home with me until I was school age and I loved having that special time with her and I knew I would do that with my children as well. I was a nanny for the past five years before my baby was born. If anything the transition was from a hard job to a bit easier because of caring for one child instead of two or three.

HRH Mommy said...
I work as an Adjunct Professor at a local college and took 5-6 months off after Ryder was born. The plan was that I was going back to work in June to teach the summer semester. In April hubby and I talked and we decided that I would stay home to be a mom. It was exactly what I wanted. David would take on the responsibility of making $$. Then work dried up (he's self-employed) and a few days after rejecting the job offer for the summer we regretted the decision. Things are incredibly slow at the moment, so I am returning to work in the Fall. I'd prefer to stay home, but it's only 2 hours/day of teaching, so it's not that bad. And no, the transition wasn't difficult. I LOVED it. With my pregnancy with Ryder, I stopped working 6 weeks before my EDD. This was the end of the Fall semester. It gave me 6 weeks to solely focus on Kai. 6 weeks of one-on-one time, time with my only son, before I would have 2 boys. They were 6 weeks in which Kai and I grew so much closer. It was perfect. Then, when Ryder was born, the transition went smoothly. It was perfect.

On transitioning from home back to work:

Kristen T. said...
I’m a working mom -- full-time. I never wanted to stay at home. It drives me crazy. I'm a better mom by working. The transition to motherhood was difficult! The transition back to work -- not so much.

Maryline said...
I am a working mom, went back to work when my son was eight weeks old. Broke my heart, but so glad I did! "What makes mommy happy and balanced is GOOD for baby!" is my philosophy. It was a hard decision emotionally, but I had always known I was going to return to work. It worked out great because until now I was able to work from home two days a week, and because we have a nanny at home, I get to see my little guy more! The transition went okay, but the first week, I wanted to quit :) I hear this is pretty common!

Chef Eureka said...
I am a working mom. I work full-time in a hospital in a supervisory role. I have always needed to work. When I was married we needed both incomes to keep us going. Now that I’m divorced (and also widowed) I have no choice but to work, us single moms need to put food on the table. I’ve been working since I was 15 years old. It’s all I’ve known really. I was placed on bedrest with my second pregnancy and had to spend a few months at home with my toddler. I thought I was going to go insane. I didn’t think I had the gusto to be a stay at home mom.

Laura Elliott said...
I work part-time (four days per week) and I'm just about to start studying again, yikes! Initially I felt guilty because I tried to be a SAHM but I really missed working. It took me a while to get re-established at work and into a routine. Now it's just second nature though I'm inevitably exhausted by Friday! But who isn't?

Transitioning to working from home (or a combination scenario):

KDC Events said...
I work 3 days a week out of my home and 4 days a week in my home. It was a hard decision financially, but it was more important for me to be with the kids. Yes, [the transition was hard] but only getting used to less money in the checkbook.

Nya's mom said...
I am a wahm and work-in-the-office mom. I work at home three days out of the week and in the office for two. [The decision] was very difficult. I talk about it a lot on my blog, but to sum things, my mom was a sahm, and even though I had imagined myself being a “career mom” (whatever that meant), when I had Nya, my whole perspective changed. I no longer wanted to work or contribute to anyone else's bottom line as that which used to inspire me to do so, or my "American dream," I realized, was only a facade. While unpaid and without any tangible accolades to name, as a stay at home mom, I enjoyed spending my days at home with Nya as her mommy and “being there” for every moment of her childhood. I ended up deciding to go back to work after much debate because in addition to being Nya's mom, I realized that I also enjoyed my work, and with my current schedule, I assumed that I could have the "best of both worlds." The transition wasn't too difficult because of my schedule. As I said previously, I work from home three days out of the week and am in the office for two days out of the week. Adding a full time job, however, onto being a wife and mom, even with this flexible schedule, is still something that I find a bit challenging. Some days are better than others in this respect, but I am learning as I go along. 

For further reading in this series:

• All moms work hard
• How to be a stay-at-home mom without losing your marbles
• Mom on a wire: finding balance and sanity in a home with two working parents
• Readers speak up about the best and worst of... being a working mom
• How I became a pediatrician turned stay-at-home mom
• The pros and cons of being a work-from-home mom

Dear mommy-friends, if there’s one common theme I’m hearing come though in many of these responses, it’s the guilt associated with our decision-making! Some feel guilty for wanting to work away from home. Others feel guilty for not bringing in any income. And yet others feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed by the mere responsibility of being a hard-working mom... in whatever capacity they've chosen. How was your transition from work to home or home to work? Did you struggle with guilt? Do you still? What advice would you give a new mom for her transition?

learning as I go,

Have you registered your blog here yet?

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
do not reproduce without written permission