preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits

Tantrums and toddlerhood go together like sunscreen and sand... creating one frustrating, sticky mess. And although they are a normal part of your child’s development as he learns independence, it doesn’t mean they are easy to deal with. Tantrums can cause even a grown woman to overheat, blow steam from her nostrils, or be reduced to tears.

Navigating through the storm of toddler tantrums is certainly not one of the glamorous aspects of motherhood, but it is a necessary one.

As challenging as it is, I’m learning that tantrums don’t have to rule the roost. Here are some ways to avert toddler tantrums before they form into full scale disasters:

1.     Know and respect your child’s threshold, personality, and temperament. Some children are able to cope with more stimulation and activity than others. For example, if you have a very shy child and have already been to a playgroup in the morning, it’s probably best not to also attempt swimming lessons in the afternoon. If your toddler is easily over-stimulated, limit your errands to a few hours and then wind down with a quieter activity like a walk around the neighborhood. Keeping your child's personality and temperament in mind is not only a way to give them the respect they deserve, but it also aides in avoiding unnecessary melt-downs.

2.     Give warning of what’s ahead. Most adults don’t appreciate being interrupted, so why does it surprise us when our kids react poorly to our demands, especially when they are immersed in something they are enjoying? When possible, give a simple warning of what’s ahead. Example: “It’s almost nap time. Two more minutes and then we will pick up the toys and go read a story.” (Obviously this becomes more and more effective the older a toddler is.)

3.     Be preemptive. If you know that your toddler will want to grab at things in the grocery store, give her a snack or a special toy before her behavior goes awry, not in the midst of your battle. Also, when you can, time your outings to not interfere with meal times and naptimes. (Even adults have much less threshold for frustrations when we are tired or hungry!)

4.     Give your child choices, but not so many that it overwhelms them. Giving your child a choice helps foster his sense of independence, while allowing you to still maintain boundaries around his options. Example: “We have to get some groceries and go to the post office. Would you like to go to the grocery store first or the post office?”

5.     Use independence to your advantage. Example: “Your diaper needs to be changed now. Let’s go to your room. Would you like to walk there yourself like a big girl or shall I pick you up and carry you?”

6.     Make sure your child knows the ground rules. This one goes for older toddlers a little bit more than younger ones, but even very young toddlers understand much more than we often think they do. As they’re able to understand, communicate your expectations with them as you go out or go someplace new. Example: “We’re going to the toy store to get special present for Jack’s birthday, but we aren’t getting any new toys for you today. Would you like to help pick out Jack's present?” Or “We’re going to the library today. Do you remember what voice we use in the library? We use our best quiet voice! When you use your best quiet voice mommy will let you pick out some new stories to read.”

7.     Affirm good behavior on a regular basis. Instead of saying “good boy” or “good girl” when your child is well-behaved or obedient (which inadvertently makes them believe that being “good” is only a behavioral issue and is based on your approval), say things like: "good sharing" or “good listening” or “you made a good choice” or “thank you for being obedient/following instructions/etc”. (Side note: although I understand what people are intending, I hate being asked the question, “Is he a good baby/boy?” as I believe all children are “good”. It’s my belief that we need to separate the behavior from the intrinsic value of the individual and change our language accordingly!)

This post is part of a four part series:

1.  The nature of the storm: 12 things every parent should know about dealing with tantrums

2.  Preparing for the storm: 7 ways to batten down the hatches before a tantrum hits

3.  In the midst of the storm: 7 methods of coping with tantrums 

4.  The aftermath of the storm: 9 do’s and don’ts of post-tantrum follow-up 

Dear friends, have any of these aversion techniques worked for you? Do you have any that I’ve not yet tried or considered? Please share your experiences! Next we will talk about coping with tantrums when they come and then how to follow them up when they pass...

storm dodging as best i can,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2011
 do not reproduce without written permission

regression and progression: the plight of a toddler

For the last several weeks, Levi has stopped saying mama and dada. He’s also stopped giving kisses, save for the very rare instance.

Oh, the torture! 

As a mom, all I want is to hear Levi call me mama when he’s trying to get my attention. (It sounds so much sweeter than whining!) And of course I desperately want my good morning kisses and pre-nap and bedtime kisses back. (Not to mention the impromptu ones that come in between.)

But alas, Levi’s lips are sealed.

On the other hand, last weekend he went from taking 4-5 steps at a time (which he’s been doing for what feels like ages now) to walking across the room. It was an over-night change. And of course in just a matter of days he’s also discovered he can walk all over the house, carry his toys around, and even play chase… all on his feet. Big boy. 

{And I swear he had an attempt at running this morning. Really? Really? Yikes people... This is for real.}

I was starting to wonder if his “no speak, no kiss” phenomena was linked to his developmental leap toward walking when I came across this:

Be aware that right around 12 months is when many children are learning to walk AND talk. These are huge skills, and each one can suck up all of your toddler’s physical and emotional energy for a while and lead to some weird behavior (aka toddler regression). For instance, it’s not at all uncommon for a toddler who’s been adding a word a day to his vocabulary to suddenly cease talking as he masters the art of putting one foot in front of the other. When you’re tackling the big milestones, it’s hard to multitask — toddlers can become so focused on the new skill they’re mastering (or just about to master) that their other abilities often waver a bit. (Source: What to Expect.)

So there you go, an explanation that makes perfect sense. (Sort-of?!)

Isn’t it strange to think that sometimes a perceived step backward is leading to an even bigger step forward? (I could get all deep and philosophical here, but just this once… I’m gonna skip it.)

Oh, the plight of a toddler. The tug between regression and progression.

Their little brains and bodies go on overload and they unconsciously regulate… as if to say, “One thing at a time mama; one thing at a time.”

I could take that advice for myself every once-and-a-while: One thing at a time Adriel; one thing at a time.

Dear friends, have you noticed regression and progression being linked in your child’s development? Was it alarming for you or were you able to recognize it?

progressing… mostly,

An update: After posting this... I got three kisses tonight. Heaven. *grin*

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
do not reproduce without written permission

how is it?

Wasn’t it just yesterday that my sweet little boy couldn’t even hold his head up on his own or roll himself over?

So how is it that today he is riding a bicycle?

And nearly walking on his own?

And playing the drums?

And jumping waves?

And taking long strolls on the beach?

And wrestling with daddy?

And crash-tackling cousin Jackson?

And taking rides on my shoulders?

And waving bye-bye?

And sitting on big boy swings?

And getting cuter and cuter... and more hilarious by the day?

Dear friends, what is your child doing lately that surprises you?

loving it all,

adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
do not reproduce without written permission

how to choose a childcare center

Sending your little one to a childcare center is a big deal.

For most parents, that decision doesn’t come easily… and many agonize over finding that perfect scenario where their wee one will not only be looked after well, but will grow and thrive.

As a mom, I’ve not had to walk that journey yet. I’m fortunate to be able to stay home with Levi, and for that I count my blessings.

{this photo is not really relevant... just super cute.}

But I have been on the other side of the coin, and I know from experience that there are many opportunities for kids to get excellent care outside of the home when that is needed and/or desired.

I worked for four years at a day care center and preschool/kindergarten where we cared for 70+ kids from age 2.5 years old and up.. and I loved every moment of it.

Although childcare should never (and can never) be a replacement for good parenting, I believe that it can compliment it well if you choose wisely and consider what’s important for your child and your family.

Aside from the obvious things like opening hours, cost, age requirements, child to adult ratio, etc, here's what I'd recommend (from a worker’s perspective) to moms scoping out a day care:

·         Visit between 5:00pm and 6:00pm when other parents are typically picking up their kids after work. Try to chat with a few parents about the center when they're not in a rush to get to work.

·         Take your little one(s) along and ask if you can be with them in the center for 30-45 minutes during one of the "free play" times. Watch not only your child, but see how the other kids in the place enjoy it (or not).

·         Observe how the workers relate to the children. Do they just supervise or do they enter into play? Do they speak politely to them? Do they engage in conversation? When giving instruction are they clear and helpful and respectful?

·         Ask to look at the menus and activity schedules, including things like naptimes, meals, snack times, music, arts and crafts time, sports and games, free play, etc. Look for a good balance between structured activities and creative/free play.

·         Ask about the security measures for signing kids in and out, or having people other than parents pick the child up (i.e. grandparents). If they have a great system in place, no doubt this one will make you feel much better!

·         Check out the other security stuff like playground gates and/or safety surveillance cameras.

·         Ask about discipline policies (and request a written document that you can take home and look over). Make sure to ask questions if anything is unclear.

·         Check to see if staff members are first aid certified and what other qualifications and/or training they receive.

·         Finally, suss out the “feel” of the place. Is it welcoming? Is it friendly? Is it clean and well-maintained? Does it feel creative and stimulating? Is learning valued? Are manners modeled? Do employees look well-groomed (professional) and like they enjoy their work? Will the kids get input on things that are important to you? (That could be religious teaching, cultural exposure, etc.) Does it look like a fun place to be??

Any good childcare center would be happy to provide you with these things, and whatever else you personally need for your considerations.

I know it's a huge deal to think about sending your kiddos off into someone else’s care. If I was in the middle of making this decision for myself I know I would find it extremely difficult. But know that there are lots of good childcare options available! Just take the time you need to get all the information that will help set your mind at ease… And don't rush your decision!

Dear friends, have you put your kids into childcare? Do you have tips that I've not thought of that you’d like to pass on? Or maybe you are at the beginning of considering childcare options. If so, will these tips help you in the process? (I sure hope so!)

hoping to help,

p.s. I know there are lots of home daycare scenarios that are fabulous too... but those are easier to find by word of mouth I think, and I can only comment from my experience.

I decided to jump back on the bandwagon. 
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adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
do not reproduce without written permission