how i became a pediatrician turned stay-at-home mom

By Melissa, author of Confessions of a Dr. Mom

{This post is part of the Moms Who Work series.}

{melissa aka dr. mom}

Becoming a Stay at Home Mom...I wonder how many of us SAHMs set out to do this from the get go? For me, it was sort of accidental. I kind of fell in to this glorious position. I never imagined my life would take this unexpected course and yet, I cannot imagine it any other way.

And isn't that how Motherhood is anyway? The unexpected. The ways your children shape and redefine you. After having my son, my firstborn, it seemed nothing else was quite as important. Becoming a mother changed me to the core.

I had a job waiting for me once my maternity leave was up and with that looming over me, I felt dread. I was dreading the day I'd have to take my son somewhere else to be taken care of.

That dread led me to continually delay my return. My employer was nothing but gracious and gave me more than enough time. Still, in the end, I just couldn't do it. My heart was at home with my baby. That I could not deny anymore. It was my first (of many) lessons on listening to my Mommy Instinct.

So after months of not knowing exactly when I would return, I finally made the decision. I just wanted to be home with my baby. That's it. Of course, it was not that simple. I felt immense guilt over this decision. First, I had put off my employer for months only to tell him in the end..."sorry, no thanks, I'm going to stay home". Secondly, my husband...how would I break this news to him?

I had been getting by with "soon...maybe next month". Now I was faced with having to have the discussion. I was almost embarrassed to admit that after years of school, training, devotion to one thing that I wanted to set all that aside. I had no idea how he would respond. I mean we did have bills to pay, not to mention an inordinate amount of medical school loans.

Thankfully, bless his heart, he has been nothing but supportive. Five and a half years later and Little Sister added to the mix, we have somehow made this work. It took me awhile to finally admit that I was in fact a SAHM. Not that I was ashamed to be, I just never thought of myself as one before then.

But there I was at play dates, mom's clubs, and little gym classes meeting other Moms. It finally hit me, yes I am a Stay at Home Mom so I better start acting like one. What I mean by that is, up until then, I felt like I still had one foot out the door. That my time at home was temporary. All I had to do was get through the baby stage.

I finally realized...this is my job now. This is what I do so I better start getting good at it. It didn't come naturally to me. All my schooling and training didn't even come close to preparing me for Motherhood. Yes, the Pediatrician part of me knew how to recognize illnesses, what to do for certain injuries, but it did not prepare me for the unexpected in parenting. This is something no book can teach.

Now that I have fully embraced my role as stay at home mom, I truly love it. I would not have it any other way. It's not easy and I'm not guilt free over this decision. However, I feel blessed to have the choice. I consider it a privilege to have this time with my children. I already see how fleeting their childhood is and that soon enough I will be back to my career.

Nonetheless, doubt creeps in from time to time. I wonder how my Doctor Mom friends view my decision to stay home. I often feel I am left behind in that aspect. But in the end, I know in my heart this is how it was meant to be. Do I know where I will be in 5 years? No, not really. My hope is that I will have made my way back to the world of working Pediatrician. But I honestly don't know.

The one thing I do know is...I am here now. Exactly where I should be. Being home with my children trumps any negative feelings I have of leaving my career behind. I like to think of it this way: I have a very private and exclusive pediatric practice of two. These two adorable and rambunctious kiddos are my 'on the job training' in more ways than one. They are teaching me more than I could ever have hoped for.

Bio: As pediatrician turned stay-at-home mom, Melissa of Confessions of a Dr. Mom has learned that parenting rarely plays out like in the textbooks. She blogs about the universal issues of Motherhood... just with a slight Dr. Mom twist.

For further reading in this series:

• all moms work hard
• how to be a stay-at-home-mom without losing your marbles
• mom on a wire: finding balance and sanity in a home with two working parents
• you have spoken: the best and worst of being a work-outside-of-the-home mom

Dear mommy-friends, how about those of you who are SAHMs? Did you "fall" into being a SAHM or was it something you had always dreamed of? When you made your decision, did you struggle with guilt like Melissa describes? Do you now? And for all of you moms - working at home or away - what about that Mommy Intuition she speaks of? Do you have it? Recognize it? Listen to it? Tell us how.

also endeavoring to be guilt-free,

P.S. Don't forget to stop by Confessions of a Dr. Mom!

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adriel booker | the mommyhood memos | 2010 
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